Blast From The Past

Shay saw her across the restaurant and recognised her immediately. Even the ten years that had passed since the hot, sticky summer of her eighteenth year hadn't changed her much - she was still freckled and rosy-cheeked and lanky in all the right ways, her loose-limbed grace turning heads as she took her seat opposite her handsome dining partner.

She actually lost track of what she was doing for a moment and so it was a second before she gathered herself together and turned her attention back to what she was supposed to be doing.

"Sorry, sorry, that's two white wines, a gin and tonic, and three bottled beers, got it."

Her own section was busy enough that she didn't get a chance to look back over for a while; when she did they had a bottle of wine between them and were raising a glass in a toast - to what, Shay wondered.

 

"I'd say penny for 'em but I reckon you'd accuse me of being a mean tipper."

"Mph?" Shay glanced up from her tally sheet, finger on the spot where she'd got to. Dar grinned.

"Man you were miles away. What's up?"

"Oh... I just saw someone tonight in the restaurant. Someone I know. Knew. A bit. Anyway I didn't ever expect to see her again so it's kinda weirded me out."

"Oh yeah? Who is this mysterious 'her', then? Some kind of astronaut? What?" Dar said at the other woman's look. "Just trying to come up with reasons why you might never see someone again! Although they always come back down, don't they..."

Shay managed to chuckle a little at this and she shook her head. "We were at this summer school together, like a sort of young artists' retreat thing. She isn't even from this state so I dunno, I guess I figured the world's a big place y'know?"

"I thought the line was 'it's a small world after all'."

"Yeah, well, as it turns out, 'cause I look up tonight and there she is, having dinner with some man who looks like he might have put together on a hot guy assembly line."

"Ooh, wait, I think I know the one you mean - sharp suit, great teeth, perfect tan? Table... seventeen?"

"Trust you to notice the guy. Yes, that's the one."

"Huh, well. You're right, he was totally cute. Ooh, have you tried Facebook stalking her yet?"

"What? No! Honestly I haven't even thought about her in ten years. Well. Most of ten years."

Dar raised her eyebrows; she was always a bit too perceptive for her own good. "Okay, well. I'm just saying. The power of Google compels you."

"Yeah. Maybe. We'll see. I mean, what's the point right, it's not like I'm going to see her again."

"The point is that it's fun to be a little nosy sometimes. Don't you wonder what she's been up to?"

"I guess I am now, but..."

"But?"

"I dunno. It's all ancient history, y'know? Why would I want to dredge all that stuff up?"

"What's there to dredge up? Did something happen back at that summer camp?"

"Summer school. And like I said. It was a long time ago."

"Right. You realise that's practically code for 'yes something totally happened', right?"

"I was a seventeen year old at summer school, of course stuff happened!"

"What, did she bully you? Kids can be so cruel..."

"Sure, let's go with that," Shay said with a roll of her eyes. "Can I finish this sheet? Otherwise neither of us are getting home before midnight."

"Okay, yeah, sure. I'll get the chairs." Dar pushed off the doorframe, looking down at Shay for a moment longer. "Y'know, maybe this is a sign or something. She's in town, you're still hung up over what happened... You could get closure, y'know."

"I don't need closure, Dar. I just need a good night's sleep."

"Sorry, sorry. Going now."

 

Shay knew, walking home in the biting cold, that the first thing she was going to do when she got back to her apartment was fire up Facebook and Google and type in that name, one she genuinely hadn't thought about in... well, certainly a good few years, if not perhaps the ten since they'd last seen one another.

 

"Alexandra Holloway?"

There was no answer at first, and their 'study coordinator' raised his head from his registration list to look around the small sea of fresh young faces in front of him.

"Alexandra Holloway?" he asked again.

"It's Lex, actually," came the confident voice from the back; several heads turned to take in the tall young woman slouched at the back of the classroom. "Just Lex."

"Lex it may be," the coordinator (who had introduced himself as 'Dan' in a faux-familiar fashion) said, "but I've got Alexandra on here, so if I forget just humour me and call out anyway, hm?"

It was a shame, Shay found herself musing - he was doing his best to be friendly and easy going but he still stood just a little too straight and spoke just a little too carefully to be anywhere near as 'cool' as he was trying to be, and that was just death to his air of authority. The last thing you wanted if you wanted a bunch of teenagers to listen to you was to let them know you were trying. If he'd just got up and been his clearly nerdtastic self he wouldn't have been any more popular, but he might have got some respect, as it was...

"Sure," the blonde girl said in a tone that made it very clear that she was just humouring him, and there were a few giggles spread over the room as Dan moved on through the attendance list. It wasn't that this should've been a particularly charged atmosphere - Shay would've bet that at their respective schools each person here was viewed as an 'outsider' or 'weirdo' or 'nerd' - but it seemed that it was impossible to get a group of hormonal adolescents together in one room without some sort of power play going on. And it was very clear that 'Lex' had taken an effortless step closer to the top of the heap with just one word.

By the time he got to 'Shayla Weller', there was already a lot of whispering and chair scraping going on, and her call of 'present' was almost lost in among the noise of the class of Greenbanks Gifted Kids Retreat 2004 losing concentration.

"Okay! Okay! Quiet down everybody, listen up!" Gradually Dan got the class more or less under control - or at least as much under control as he was going to get that morning. "A lot of your time here is going to be spent on individual study and practice, obviously, but you'll be meeting here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning for your seminars. You should all have timetables in your orientation packs for the rest of your schedules - does anybody have any housekeeping questions so far?"

Most shook their heads or just ignored the question altogether, already packing up their things - they'd all been through the non-academic orientation that morning on arrival, where Veronica, their head resident, had assigned them to their dorms and shown them around the living areas. All that is, except their newcomer.

"Excuse me, Daniel, I only just arrived; who should I speak to about sleeping and eating and stuff?" Again, Shay was impressed. This girl not only didn't seem to care about standing out by admitting she was late and that she didn't know some stuff, but on top of that she managed to get a cheeky little dig in about the name thing at the same time?

Shay found herself turning around again in spite of herself to look back at the other girl as she heard Dan sigh in exasperation at this. "Did someone get your bags? Okay then, follow everyone else back to Ford Hall after morning classes and ask at reception for Veronica."

"Veronica. Okay, great, got it." Lex rose and gathered her things, shoving them all in a leather satchel that she then slung over her shoulder.

Shay shouldered her own (canvas and suddenly very inadequate-feeling) bag and filtered out of the room with her fellow 'freaks and geeks' as she was beginning to call them in her head. They would all be heading off to various studios now - one of the best parts of the Retreat was that they would be getting a lot of one-on-one tutoring from actual college professors and professional artists (in and among sessions led by TAs and teachers). Shay was on the 'combined programme' - the retreat covered both art and writing and students who made the cut in both had the option to mix their studies to get a bit of each. Given her dream was to write and draw her own graphic novels, it had made it the perfect place to spend her summer. She found herself wondering idly as she look about herself at the other students which ones were writers, which were artists, and which, like her, were a combination of the two.

It was pretty clear for some of them - there was no way the floppy-haired guy with horn-rimmed glasses was anything but a writer, and there were a couple people with doodle-filled notebooks and paint-stained jackets who had to be artists; Shay didn't mind buying into those stereotypes.

There were a few who were more mysterious, though, your classic indie kids with their shaggy hair and downcast eyes who could fit neatly behind either easel or notebook. She'd find out soon enough, of course, since there was going to be a group orientation in the art studio next - and Shay at least was eager to see the resources and materials at their disposal. As they went, she found herself keeping an eye also on where 'Lex' was headed, for the other girl was another of those mysteries. They headed down the same hallway along with a gaggle of other students, and Lex was still at the tail end of the group that turned into the studio, a long, open room lined on one wall with drawers and shelves and the other with windows.

"Okay, so, hi," a purple-haired girl said, waving the students over to where she stood next to a stack of easels. "Can everybody hear me? Okay, good. So I'm Erica and I'm going to be your guide today through the wonderful world... of art."

Now she was cool. She didn't talk down to them - hell, she wasn't much older than they were - and she didn't try too hard, either, laughing a little when she said something 'uncool' rather than trying to pretend she was the same age they were with the same tastes and opinions. Plus, she was showing them all sorts of incredible stuff: pastels, pencils, every sort of paint and every shape of paintbrush and more than that stuff they didn't get at home or in school: clay and silver, wood and stone, wire meshes and moulds. "You can use whatever you want, just make sure you let me know if anything is running low," Erica was saying, waving a hand around the room. "And, y'know, don't abuse the privilege, but we all understand that sometimes you just have to go through a lot of shit-- I mean crap... to make good art."

Shay didn't think that was going to be a problem here. The studios - because there were several, some dedicated to certain media - were astounding and awe-inspiring to a bunch of kids some of whom would've come from places with no art programme at all, and glancing around herself at their faces she was pretty sure they wouldn't be wasting the opportunity that had been presented to them wasting materials making lewd pictures or casting their own genitalia - well, unless they found some genuine artistic merit in the act.

She spotted Lex standing at the back of the room, arms wrapped around herself; unlike most of the other students she hadn't immediately gone to rummage through the drawers of supplies or started marvelling over some of the work spread out on the tables around them. Indeed as confident as she's appeared before she seemed now to have disappeared a little, like she didn't want to be there or to be seen, and instinctively Shay found herself sidling over.

"Pretty insane, right?" she said. "Some of this stuff I don't think I've ever even seen before never mind used."

"Huh?" The taller girl glanced over, looking surprised that someone had bothered to approach her. "Oh. Yeah. Crazy."

"Mm. Um. I'm Shay by the way."

"Hi." Either Lex assumed Shay had heard her introduction in class, or she didn't care to do it again.

"So how come you were late today?" Shay tried.

"I was a last-minute substitution. The guy who was originally supposed to come got mono. So my train only got in this morning."

"Oh, right." Shay nodded at this but didn't really have any follow-up - what could you say to that? 'Oh, so basically on paper you're the least talented person here, that's great'?

"Where are you from?"

"Me?" Of course you, you idiot. "Oh, um, upstate - Preston? It's pretty small..."

"Oh. I haven't heard of it, but I'm not from here, so."

"Yeah? Where are you from?"

"Out of state."

"Huh? Oh, cool. So... where?"

"You wouldn't know it."

"...'kay..."

Across the room most of the kids had pulled out pads and sheets of paper and were chattering away as they claimed this table or that space on the floor to start working on. Erica was floating around from person to person, checking in with them and answering questions; as she got closer Shay could see that in addition to her brightly-coloured hair she also had several piercings and at least one tattoo peeking out from under the paint-spattered shirt she wore. "You guys okay?" she asked, catching Shay's eye, and Shay nodded quickly.

"Yeah, yeah, we're good, just, y'know. Choice paralysis." She grinned.

"Well, best way to break it is just to do something - anything."

"Oh yeah? I guess I'll be off for a walk round the lake, then," Shay joked with a cheeky grin.

"Well, preferably something art-related," Erica clarified with her own grin. "But y'know, if you need to get outside or whatever, that's cool too. Whatever turns your crank."

"I actually kinda do want to get out and do some sketching outside," Shay said, "although I want to see 'round the studios too... I don't suppose I could get the grand tour later? I don't mind staying late or coming back at the end of the day?"

"Sure, umm... I guess as long as you come back before seven or eight someone should be here to show you around."

"Great. I mean, I'll be back before the end of class anyway, just want to, like, get a feel for the place and I guess you'll be done doing tours by then so... aaaand I'm babbling." Shay grinned sheepishly. "I'm gonna go." She glanced at Lex. "You want to come, or..."

To her surprise, the other girl nodded. "Sure."

Together they gathered up sketchpads and pencils and headed for the door, Erica giving them a little wave before they left. It was easy enough to head down the hallway towards the nearest exit, and they found upon stepping outside that it had turned into a lovely, sunny day. Shay had just taken a deep breath of fresh and and turned to speak to her partner when she caught sight of the other girl dumping her sketchbook and pencils into the nearest bush.

"Hey, you can't-..." But Lex just kept walking, leaving Erica to stumble over and retrieve the book and as many of the pencils as she could reach, stuffing them into her bag before trotting to catch the other girl up. "What's that about?" she said heatedly.

"Listen," the other girl said, whirling to face Shay so suddenly she nearly ran into her. "Maybe you want to be here, okay, but I don't. So go do your little nature walks and studio tours and leave me the hell alone, okay?"

Shay blinked, and backed up a little. "Oh-kay..." She was flustered now and it took her a second to get herself together, but eventually she managed, "so don't do stuff, fine," she said, "but is that any reason to shove art supplies into bushes? That's just... pointless destruction."

"She said take what we need. They'll never even notice it's gone."

"I didn't say they'd notice, I said it was pointless, don't you get that? Do you just destroy things for the sake of it, you think that's cool?" Shay was getting really annoyed now, and she could feel her face getting red.

"You don't know anything about me," Lex retorted hotly, "so don't pretend you know why I do things! It's just a stupid pad of paper, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is there was no need! Why did you have to throw it away rather than just not take any, or to just put it back later? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh fuck off," the other girl spat, and she turned sharply on her heel and stalked away, satchel slapping against her hip.

"Hey!" Shay didn't really know what she was doing and it was as if she wasn't even really in her own body as she ran to catch Lex up, grabbing the strap of her bag and pulling. Later she couldn't've said whether she was trying to stop her, to hurt her, or what, she just knew she needed her attention, needed to make her understand that no amount of ennui or disinterest justified needless waste. Lex stumbled as Shay tugged on her bag, then turned, striking out at the other girl - whether in anger or to get her to let go it wasn't clear.

"Would you j- Ow!" The hand connected with her jaw, not quite a punch or a slap but something in between, and then they were tussling, their bag straps getting wrapped up with their arms, their feet scuffing on the grit-laid path. The next time Lex swung for her it did connect, a resounding slap across her cheek that shocked her as much as it stung. Shay launched at her then with a yell of rage, and they hit the ground with a painful thud.

"Hey... hey!" The two girls barely heard the shout; they only realised someone else was there when two hands grabbed Shay and began to pull her off the other girl. "Knock it off!"

Shay's simmering anger deflated like a balloon the moment she felt them, and she went limp for a moment before picking herself up, stumbling backwards and lifting her hands in a gesture of submission. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said, turning to see Erica there - Dan was currently holding onto Lex, who had not given up so easily with the intervention, tugging against his hands in an effort to get away.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" the purple-haired woman asked, shaking her head. "You two were supposed to be going on a nature walk!"

"Yeah, well, that's what I thought too!" Shay spat, "but some people wanted to dump their sketchbooks in bushes and goof off!" She registered the look of surprise on Lex's face at this. Yeah, that's right, we're nerds and losers around here, we don't have stupid rules about not ratting people out.

"...right, okay. Well, you two are gonna have to come with me, I know I said there are no rules here but I think fighting is probably an exception."

Deeply ashamed, Shay slumped along behind the other woman, the two books suddenly heavy in her bag. Why didn't you just take the book and forget about it?

"Well, this is very disappointing." Dean Paltrow shook his head, looking - unsurprisingly - disappointed with the two girls in front of him. "Would you care to explain exactly what happened that led you two to fighting outside the studios?"

Shay looked sideways at Lex, who just folded her arms and scowled. She sighed. "We got outside, and Lex dumped her book and pencils in a bush. I got angry at her, and... overreacted. I'm sorry."

"Hm. I'm sure you are." The dean directed a look at Lex, who just stared defiantly back at him. "Well, I'm going to have to punish you for your behaviour - this may not be school but we still have a code of conduct we expect all students to follow. For the next week you will report to studio A after your creative time is over to help Erika clean and tidy the studios for the next day. Understood?"

Shay nodded. "Um, sure. I mean yes. Sorry."

"Mm. Additionally, I've reorganised the dorm assignments somewhat. You'll now be roommates for the duration of the summer."

"What!?" Lex straightened up, looking disgusted. "That's bullshit! Listen, I got into a fight, can't you like... send me home or something?"

"Oh, I don't think that's necessary at this stage," the Dean breezed. "You both acted rashly but it was obviously out-of-character."

"Jesus," the blonde muttered, rolling her eyes. "This place sucks."

"Save it for the feedback forms." Dean Paltrow favoured each of them with a thin smile and then picked up his pen, looking back to whatever he was doing. It was clear that they had been dismissed.

Scooping up her bag, Lex pushed out of her chair and stalked out of the office, leaving Shay to trail behind her.

"Hey..." Shay caught Lex up without grabbing her this time, falling into step beside her. "I am sorry," she said. "I mean, not about the sketchbook thing, that was stupid. But I'm sorry I grabbed you." Though why I'm saying sorry when I'm the one who got slapped...

"Whatever."

"Look, I mean it. Can we just... try to get along?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I, unlike you, did want to come here, and I don't really want to have a shitty time?"

"So go have a good time. Contrary to what you might think I'm not going to stop you," Lex muttered.

"Well, it looks like we're gonna be spending a fair bit of time together at this point so y'know, I'm willing to call a truce if you are. I just think it might make stuff easier."

"Fine, whatever, just... leave me alone, okay?" The other girl's voice was stretched tight, and Shay had a sudden horrified suspicion that she was about to cry. "Why are you so fucking pushy?"

"I'm no-..." Shay broke off with a sigh. "I'm just trying to make it right, okay?"

"What, did you grow up on some sort of commune? If you want to 'make it right' get off my back!"

Shay wanted to spit back some witty comment speculating where Lex might have grown up, but she bit it back and said nothing, letting Lex pulled ahead of her to walk alone. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they were both making their way to the computer lab, where the writing tutorial was to take place - and indeed had probably already started. Shay had had plans to make friends with her fellow 'cross-discipline' types, to try to connect with them... she hoped there were others there who were doing both art and writing.

 

Luckily there were a few familiar-looking faces already seated around the room; Shay took an empty seat next to the friendliest-looking person in the room, trying to put Lex out of her mind as Dan droned on about IT resources. The kid next to her glanced her way with a broad grin - he was a fellow art-and-writing student, she knew, with a wild head of dark hair and a mouthful of train-track braces in rainbow colours.

"Adam," he whispered.

"Shay," Shay returned, though she was quickly silenced from saying anything further by the sound of Dan clearing his throat at the front of the room and they both looked back to see that he was no longer alone.

"Okay you guys, that's the boring techy stuff over," he said with that broad, trying-too-hard grin. "I'm gonna hand over to your mentor, Anita."

Anita was about that same 'probably still in college' age as Dan and Erica, and where Dan tried too hard and Erica didn't have to, Anita was obviously... trying not to try, in a sort of 'I picked this outfit to make sure you know I don't care' approach that Shay immediately sympathised with. Her ramrod straight black hair was cropped short on the sides and a little shaggier on top, her hipster glasses pushed properly up her nose, and she'd rolled up the sleeves of the loose button-down shirt that seemed to dwarf her neat frame, its white cotton stark against her light brown skin. Shay felt herself smile reflexively as Anita did, and liked her immediately.

"Hey guys, so, um... one of the most important things as a writer is to take constructive criticism of your work to improve it, so part of your time here will be in group reading sessions where you can share your stuff and get feedback from everybody else. It's not like, mandatory, but it is a really important part of the process so I hope you'll take advantage of it.

"And, um, so I'm not just talking the talk but walking the walk, I'll put myself up to the same scrutiny as you all are. Giving good feedback is an important skill to learn, so we're going to go over a few things that make feedback useful and then... give it a go. Sound good?"

Nobody said anything - this crowd were not about call and response - but Shay could see a smattering of nods in her peripheral vision and Anita went on.

"Okay, so," the young woman said, pulling over a chair and straddling it, backwards, her forearms resting on the back. "What makes for good feedback?" She looked steadily around the group, enduring the silence, until finally Adam spoke up.

"Uh... it can't be too mean?"

"Hm, well, what makes something 'mean'?" Anita asked.

"I guess... if it's just criticising to make someone feel bad, as opposed to trying to help them to make it better?"

"Good, good. So good feedback is constructive, not destructive. I like it."

Emboldened by this opening of the forum, Shay cleared her own throat. "I guess we, um... should try to phrase stuff positively. Like, if you think there are, say, too many fight scenes, you don't just say that, you need to say what you would've like to see more of, like character development or description or whatever?"

"Good, yeah - so not just saying what sucked, but suggesting how to improve it. Good," Anita repeated, smiling, and Shay felt a little twist of delight and grinned in return.

That had got things rolling - soon everyone was pitching in. Well, almost everyone.

Lex was in the room - Dan was keeping a close eye to ensure she stayed - but she didn't say a word, even when Anita spoke directly to her. The older girl didn't seem too thrown by this, merely smiling and moving swiftly onward, asking if anybody had anything they wanted to read to get things started.

Few people had brought anything with them that day, or certainly anything they were prepared to read, and it was after some awkward giggling that Anita had smiled that infectious smile again and instead given them some freewriting prompts. Not everybody went to a computer - a handful of people, including Shay, had brought notebooks along and so they settled themselves at tables to get to work, eager to start producing work that may or may not be featured in a future session.

Well. Mostly eager.

"...n't you think you should at least try?" Dan was asking in a wheedling tone of voice.

"Do I have to?" came the icy challenge.

"Well, no, but--"

"Then I'm fine. Thanks."

Shay sighed to herself, frowning as she bent over her book. Ladies and gentlemen, my roommate.

Time seemed to fly by, and Shay wasn't sure how much had passed when she felt rather than saw someone sit down beside her. "Hey, how are you getting on?"

"Hm? Oh, I'm just..." Shay shrugged lightly and turned to shoot her new 'mentor' a quick grin. "Y'know. Scribbling. And doodling. Can't really stick to one thing at a time I'm afraid."

"Oh, right, you're... Shayla, right? Graphic novels?"

"Hey, good memory," she replied with a grin.

Anita grinned back. "I really like your stuff! So, um, what are you working on now?"

"Like right now?" Shay sat back a little to look at her own sketch, making no attempt to stop Anita from leaning in to look at it. It appeared to feature a tall, skinny girl with long blonde hair that hung right down her back. She looked extremely bored.

"Wow, that's pretty good," Anita said, looking down at the page for a long moment and then back up at Shay. "So do you draw a lot from real life inspiration?"

"I, um..." Shay smirked a little. "Sometimes. Not always."

"Well, I guess a new experience like this is ripe for mining, huh?"

"Mm. I suppose, yeah. Though I mean, mainly I'm looking to hone my critical faculties and hard skills. Inspiration's a whole other thing, y'know? I want to learn the craft, get good. Then maybe the ideas I have, I'll actually be well-equipped to get them down, y'know?"

Anita blinked, obviously taken aback by this cogent response, though a moment later she was grinning widely at Shay. "Yeah, that's a pretty good plan - I mean that's why we're all here, isn't it? College can't teach you inspiration, just give you the tools to put it down on paper."

"Um, right. Though I mean, hopefully College'll provide some of the inspiration too," Shay countered with a bit of a smirk.

"Oh, I'm sure it will..." Anita trailed off, then gave her head a shake. "Um, anyway. If you need anything, just ask, okay? And I'm really looking forward to seeing your stuff."

"Yeah, me too... I mean, um." Shay felt her face redden slightly and she shook her head. "I mean thanks."

Anita flashed her another grin and then pushed herself up and moved on to the next person, leaving Shay to her sketching.

 

The rest of the day went much as the first half had - lunch was surprisingly decent, featuring genuinely fresh salad and vegetables along with the usual high-school-lunchroom fare (which Shay didn't mind anyway), and the afternoon had intros to their critical analysis and history classes, in which Shay was once again delighted to find herself among (mostly) like-minded souls who actually wanted to be there, in stark contrast to her experiences in school during the year.

She was beginning to find who her friends were going to be, too. Open and friendly by nature, Shay found that there weren't a lot of people at school that she wanted to be friends with, but here was another story. The other students were geeky, passionate, creative, and weird - in short, just her kind of people.

Adam had joined her at her table as she was eating lunch and they'd soon crash-coursed one another's 'edited highlights', as Adam put it. He was also into graphic novels - comics, really - and after they had touched on their own circumstances they spent a spirited hour debating this or that run, finding plenty to disagree about but enjoying the chance just to talk about things they loved with another kindred soul. In addition to comics they were both big movie buffs, and they were soon arguing therefore about the best adaptations.

It wasn't long before that discussion drew in several other kids - Poppy, who wore long skirts and had strong views on Shakespearean updates, Martin, who seemed to speak only in film quotes, and Li Min, who was very quiet but followed the conversation avidly. Soon enough there was a laughing, chattering gaggle at the table, and Shay had a warm feeling that she realised must be camaraderie.

They all made plans to meet up for dinner, and so it was with a smile on her face that Shay made her way back to her room to drop her things after class before heading back to the canteen.

The dorms were a pretty reasonable size, for all that they were shared, with a desk and chair, nightstand, chest of drawers and a narrow wardrobe each, all in the same fresh, cheap pine. The other side of the room from hers was empty - her roommate must've packed up and moved already, meaning--

She whirled around as she heard the keycard being swiped in the door; a moment later Lex entered, dragging a suitcase behind her. She looked less than thrilled to see Shay. "Can I come in?"

"'Course, it's your room." Shay tried to sound lighthearted though she knew her attempts fell somewhat flat.

The twitch of Lex's lips showed how thrilled she was about that. "Mm."

"I haven't totally unpacked if you'd rather have this side," Shay offered, gesturing to her own side of the room.

"Whatever. I don't care." Lex dragged the suitcase in and then hefted it onto the empty bed.

"There's a surprise," Shay muttered, turning to sit down at her desk and opening the lid of her laptop. Behind her she could hear the sound of Lex unpacking - drawers opening, sheets being rustled - and then, just as suddenly, the door opening and then shutting again.

Blinking, Shay looked up. Lex had really just left again. She sighed, slumping down in her chair. As much as the other girl wasn't actually doing or saying anything to make things difficult, it was still pretty depressing to think about spending the rest of her summer with... well... that.

After dinner Shay made her way along to the art studios for her 'punishment', though she couldn't imagine tidying art supplies to be a particularly onerous task. To her mild surprise Erica was there when she arrived - she didn't know why but she'd expected Dan. She didn't look quite as merry as she had earlier that day.

"Hey, um." Shay shot the art mentor a sheepish smile. "So... where do we start?" I say 'we'... Lex of course was nowhere to be seen as yet.

"Everything's labelled pretty clearly," Erica told her, waving a hand towards the shelves. "So wherever you like, really."

"So I just... sort stuff?"

"And put it back, yeah. If you find something like a paintbrush that needs to be cleaned all the stuff's over by the sink. And any art that's been left just put over to the side on that table for people to claim tomorrow."

"'Kay. Um... do you think it'd be okay if I listened to music, or would that be, like, not punishy enough?"

Erica raised her eyebrows, looking over at Shay for a long moment before her lips curved into a smirk. "Sure, what the hell. Go for it."

"Thanks."

Erica disappeared into some side room, and Shay began to work, slowly familiarising herself with the artrooms as she moved around sorting the materials - a welcome self-guided tour since she had never actually been shown around. With music in her ears and her mind occupied she barely even noticed that the time was wearing on and she remained entirely alone in her task. Eventually she had finished up, more or less, and sought Erica out to tell her so. The purple-haired girl glanced behind her curiously. "All by yourself, huh?"

"Yeah. I, um... guess Lex decided not to show. I mean, she wanted to be sent home I think so they basically have nothing on her." Shay shrugged.

"Huh. So I guess just being here is punishment enough."

"Probably, I dunno. I mean, the thing is why is she here then, y'know? We had to write and submit work for this; she didn't just get in by paying or with grades..."

"Yeah... I dunno," Erica said, although she probably did know at least a little, if the tutors had looked at all the applications. "Anyway, you don't have to do all the work if it's just you. Why don't you just do half an hour next time?"

"Um, sure - I mean, I don't really mind, or at least I wasn't bored today 'cause I was getting to look around."

"Half an hour's cool. Don't want to spoil your whole evening."

"'Kay. I mean, thanks. I think this it kinda supposed to spoil my evening. But um. Thanks anyway."

"No problem. See you tomorrow morning, yeah?"

"Bright and early."

 

After leaving the art rooms Shay debated where to go. She knew that Martin was hosting a 'film night' in the rec room, but she also wondered about Lex's whereabouts. On balance, she opted for the film night, since any attempt to engage with Lex in any way seemed to do only harm. The kids gathered there greeted her enthusiastically, much to Martin's chagrin, who hissed at them to shut up lest they missed any of the movie - this evening the seminal classic The Hunt for Red October.

Shay settled down on a beanbag beside Adam with a sigh. "Did I miss anything good?" she asked in a whisper.

"In the movie? Not really, it's pretty derivative stuff really..."

"'Kay... what d'you mean 'in the movie' - did I miss anything good not in the movie?"

"Oh, uh, Dan came in and told us about curfew, and Li Min totally sassed him, it was awesome."

"Oh, we have a curfew? I guess that makes sense..."

"Well, Li Min said that if they were really trying to give us the college experience they'd let us stay up as late as we wanted."

"And Dan said..."

"That the college experience only went so far and that lights go out at eleven."

"That was probably Dan's college experience anyway."

Adam laughed loudly, earning another annoyed 'shh!' from Martin, and Shay settled down in her beanbag to watch the rest of the movie.

 

It finished up at about ten thirty, and they sat around for another half an hour talking about everything - their day, the mentors, the movie. Despite Li Min's retorts to Dan no one really wanted to get in trouble on their first day, so a few minutes before eleven they packed up and headed to their rooms, laughing with the delight of having made new friends after so long as outcasts.

Shay was still high when she got back to her room, and so she had almost forgotten what was waiting there for her. Not, of course, that there was anyone there at all. Breaking every rule, including curfew...

Rolling her eyes, she got ready for bed, nipping down to the shared bathroom to brush her teeth. When she got back to her room she hesitated before at the door, almost knocking before deciding not to bother since if Lex was inside it would only make her more pissed.

She wasn't, of course, and Shay got into bed with her book with the lamp on, settling down to read. As the minutes ticked by she felt more and more distracted - where was her roommate?

Not my problem. She's not my problem. Shay closed her eyes tightly for a moment, but obviously when she opened them again nothing had changed. At length she ended up deciding to head to sleep, turning off her light and settling down under the covers.

The sound of the door opening and shutting woke her some time later; as she swam back to alertness she could hear someone moving around on the other side of the room, bumping into things in the pitch dark and muttering profanities under their breath. She tried not to move, but did open her eyes to look across the room. It was definitely Lex, who was busy stripping off her clothes and throwing them on the floor, her movements slightly unsteady.

"Jesus, are you drunk?" Shay spoke in spite of herself, and Lex whirled around, staring down at her.

"It's none of your fucking business," she slurred. Well. That answered that question.

"Where the hell did you go? Who were you even with? How did you get back without anyone seeing you? Do you have a fake ID, did you go to a bar?"

"Do you have a fake ID?" Lex mimicked, making a face as she hopped on one leg, reaching down to pull off her sock. "God, how sheltered are you?"

"I'm not sheltered, I'm just boring," Shay said flatly, sitting up in bed. "There's a difference."

"Well good for you." The other girl wobbled, then toppled back onto her mattress, giggling. It was the first happy noise Shay had heard her make since they met, and she felt herself relax a little at the sound.

"You want some water?" she asked, pulling back the covers and swinging her legs out of bed.

"Yeah, sure, whatever... not like I ever get hangovers anyway..."

Rolling her eyes, Shay went over to the little fridge in the corner of the room anyway, fetching one of her bottles of water from it and approaching Lex's bed with it. "Here."

"Thanks." Half-undressed, Lex flopped back onto the bed, unscrewing the water bottle and rolling onto her side to drink it.

"So... where were you? I mean, really."

"We're not the only people staying on campus, you know."

"Oh?"

"Mm. There's like... students. Actual college students."

"I see. Well, I guess it figures that College would have summer schools too. So you were hanging out with them, huh?"

"Mmhmm."

"Right. Well. Good for you, I guess."

"Yup. Good for me.... getting out of this stupid place as much as I can. What'd you do tonight, braid each other's hair?"

"Watched a movie."

"Ooh, a movie..."

"You don't like movies? Man, what fun it must be to be you. Over everything."

"I don't like watching movies with kids," Lex retorted, pushing herself up on one elbow. Her bra strap fell down her shoulder, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Right, because vandalism, dodging detention and underage drinking is super mature. Jesus, would you listen to yourself?"

"Vandalism? Jesus Christ, it was a notebook!"

"It was a waste. Look... I don't want to get into that again. You can do what you want, okay? Clearly. Just... don't think you're better than me just because you don't actually want to learn anything here."

"Oh please. What are you going to learn here? How to colour in the lines like they tell you to?"

"That is not what this place is about and you should know that."

"Oh? And why's that?"

"Well, you applied just like everyone else, right? Though I don't know why given you clearly have no intention of actually doing anything."

"Look, maybe I wanted to be here once, okay? But I don't any more."

"Why not?"

"Because I-- because I don't," Lex snapped, frowning.

Shay sighed. "Okay." Then, "I'm going back to bed."

"Fine."

"Don't puke or anything."

Lex snorted, and took another sip of water before setting the bottle aside and collapsing back onto the bed.

With another long-suffering sigh Shay made her way back over to her side of the room and climbed back into her bed, which had at least cooled pleasingly while she was out of it. A few moments later she heard her roommate start to snore. Of course.

 

Shay woke grumpy and underslept, but at least she had a day in class to look forward to.

To look forward to. Though yeah, she was a fairly good kid, even Shay didn't exactly 'look forward' to school. But this wasn't school. This was something new, she was learning stuff she really wanted to learn, and it was actually pretty invigorating. She practically bounced to the canteen in the morning, spotting Adam across the room and waving to him as she went to collect her breakfast.

"Hey," he greeted her when she slid into the seat beside him, his mouth half-full of cereal. "Sup."

"Man, I am beat. But other than that good. You?"

"Yeah, m'okay. Why're you tired - you go out and party after the rest of us went to bed?"

"No, but someone was, and she came in late."

"Wow, really? How'd she get away with that?"

"By just not giving a shit, I guess."

"Huh. Nice."

"Apparently there are other people on campus. Like, College kids."

"Yeah?" Adam raised his eyebrows. "And they're partying? On a Monday?"

"I guess? That was her story, anyway."

"You should get her to get us invitations next time," he grinned, shovelling up more cereal.

"Spend yet more time in the same room with her?" Shay snorted. "I don't think so."

"Oh c'mon, she's not that bad. Plus if it was a party we'd barely have to talk to her."

"Firstly, she is definitely that bad. Secondly, do you really want to party with college kids?"

"Totally! What, you don't?"

"Want to hang around with a bunch of people who'll either treat us like kids or be totally inappropriate with us, all behaving super-irresponsibly? Uhhh... no. It's not that I wouldn't want to hang out with college kids. It's that I wouldn't want to hang out with any college kids who'd hang out with me. Not at, like, a party, anyway."

Adam gave her a dubious look and then shrugged. "Okay."

"But y'know, feel free to ask her; I'm sure she wouldn't care."

He bobbed his head in a non-committal nod. "Uh huh. Anyway. I thought I might do some stuff with clay today - I mean, I know it's not really my thing, but when am I gonna get the chance, y'know?"

"Yeah? That sounds like fun. I'd definitely like to do some work in unfamiliar media but I want to do a bit of hardcore sketching first, see what resources and advice they have here, y'know?"

"Yeah, totally. Erica's really good, she knows her stuff."

Shay nodded. "Um, yeah, didn't really get to speak to her yesterday but she seems cool. So does Anita."

"Uh huh. Everyone but Dan, basically."

"Oh, he's harmless really."

"Yeah, totally. But also totally uncool."

"We're all totally uncool around here."

"Except for Lex..."

"Oh yeah," Shay said with a roll of her eyes. "She's super cool..."

 

Shay browsed the Google hits on Lex's name, half her mind still elsewhere, not really expecting to find anything of note. Much to her surprise, the first page showed several current news articles featuring the other woman - apparently she had just optioned a novel for filming rights, in what was expected to be 'the next English Patient'.

So she made it after all, huh... Eagerly, Shay clicked through to read the articles in question.

There was surprisingly little information about her in most of the articles, which mostly centred around the news of the upcoming film and speculation on casting and release dates. One of the articles did go into a bit more detail, talking about the woman's collection of work - which mostly seemed to be short stories, save for this particular novel, newly published last year and apparently 'brilliant, but mostly unappreciated'.

Least she's not 'apparently mediocre and unpublished'. Shay sat back with a long sigh. So. Now she knew. It wasn't like she could actually do anything with this information even if she'd wanted to. And she didn't even think she wanted to - did she? She hadn't spoken to the other woman in years. She had had the opportunity to approach her in the restaurant and didn't, so. Time to move on.

 

Lex didn't show up for 'detention' on Day Two either. Erica just shrugged and glanced at the clock. "Half an hour, kay?"

"You're the boss," Shay muttered, already putting her headphones back on.

There were half-finished projects scattered around the room this time; Shay took a bit of time to look over them as she tidied things up. In one corner were Adam's attempts with clay, which were beautiful if rather abstract, and a number of beautifully coloured ceramics tiles, presumably freshly fired that afternoon, lay on a sheet at the back of the room. There were also a number of sketches, mostly still lifes, and she flicked through them admiringly before putting them into a neat stack next to the other projects.

Erica hadn't left yet, instead pottering about at the other end of the room, and so at length Shay pulled her headphones down around her neck to comment, "So class has been really good," she said. "I've really been enjoying it - even just for the new environment, so far."

"Yeah? That's good," Erica said, nodding.

"How does this usually go? Like, a few days bedding in then people start narrowing down and studying certain disciplines intensively? Or what? You must get other tutors in for some stuff right? I mean, not that you aren't amazing - your sculptures are... I mean, wow, but-"

"Thanks," Erica said quickly, cutting off any further gushing. "I haven't done this programme before so I dunno exactly how it goes... I mean, there are other tutors if anybody wants them, I think we've got some of the animation crowd coming to do a seminar later in the week too..."

"Right. I mean, that sounds cool." Shay said with a nod. "So, um, you didn't, like, go here or whatever?"

"I still go here," the other woman said, chuckling. "I'm a senior next year."

"No, I mean, to this summer school - it's been running for like ten years now right?"

"Oh, right. No, I didn't go here - I'm from California, so it would've been a pretty big trek."

"Right. 'Course, I didn't even think... so... are all the mentors still in college? I mean, like Dan? And, uh, Anita?"

"Yeah, though Anita's in grad school now, not undergrad. But we're all students."

"Right." Shay nodded, feeling a little internal twist of something like disappointment at this knowledge, though she wasn't quite sure why.

"So you thinking of coming here?"

"Huh? Oh... No, I just graduated; I'm going to Stanford. This is just... extra credit, I guess." Shay smiled sheepishly. "I missed my chance last year - got in and then came down with mono. So they let me re-apply."

"Oh, cool. Stanford, huh? What's your major?"

"Creative Writing. They don't really 'do' graphic fiction or whatever. And I dunno, I guess I felt like it was the writing side where I'd benefit most from formal study. So."

"That's cool. And I'm sure you can do art on the side - there are probably lots of good programmes."

"Sure, I mean that's what I figured. I looked into possibly moving to a joint major in fine art and writing but fine art's apparently just too intensive in junior and senior year, y'know?"

Erica nodded. "Yeah, makes sense."

"So, um, what does Dan study then? I mean, I assume you do art..."

"Yeah, we both do. He's photography, though, and I'm Sculpture and Environmental Art."

"Seriously though? Dan's an artist? Huh... I would... never have thought that."

Erica raised her eyebrows. "He's really good."

"Huh. Fair enough. So are you guys friends, then, all of you?"

"I dunno if we're all friends... but we're friendly. We've been getting to know each other through the programme, I guess."

"Cool. So... and Anita's doing writing or English or whatever then, right?" Shay said in a casual tone, turning around to start sorting through some brushes that lay scattered across the table.

"Yeah, something like that."

"You don't know?"

Erica shrugged, grinned. "Y'know those wordy people. It's all the same to me."

"Fair enough. So I guess she's older than you guys, then, huh?"

"Yeah, a little. But she's still pretty cool."

"She seems really, um. Engaged. So. Yeah."

Erica nodded slowly. "Yeah..."

"Anyway." Shay grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, I should get back to my, um. Punishment."

"Don't work too hard."

"I'll do my best."

 

Slipping in partway through dinner, Shay managed to find a seat at a table with Adam and the rest, who were animatedly talking about the things they had learned in that afternoon's seminar.

"Hey, hey, what'd I miss?"

"We were just talking about how stoned those monks had to have been to make all those insane illuminations! Like 'whoa, dude, how big was Jesus again?'"

Shay laughed. "Did it occur to you that maybe they just had giants then?"

"Oh come on you know those monks were drunk as skunks, all up in the ceremonial wine..."

"Well, I'm impressed. If I could keep my hand that steady while drunk..."

"So you do party!" Adam said triumphantly. "I knew it!"

"What? I never said I didn't party!"

"Well you just seemed so down on the idea earlier."

"I was against doing it with college kids."

"But why!"

"Adam..." Shay sighed. "We've already had this argument. I just don't like it, 'kay?"

"Okay, okay, whatever. Anyway. Back to the monks!"

"Yeah, tell me more of your monk theories..."

 

They chatted all through dinner, and then piled into the rec room for another movie night - this time something chosen by Poppy, much to Martin's chagrin.

"Mean Girls, are you seeeerious?" he whined.

"Just shut up and watch it, it's amazing."

"Fine, fine, whatever, but if this gets boring I'm leaving."

 

"So? Not boring at all, was it?"

"It was okay, I guess."

Shay, ensconced in the corner with Adam, chuckled as she watch the pair bicker. "Well, that's not gonna take long..." she muttered.

"Huh?" he asked, glancing sideways at her.

"Those two. The mating dance."

"You think?"

"Toootally."

He glanced over at Poppy and Martin, who were now bickering over some other unimportant thing. "Man, lucky..."

"Yeh? I guess."

"Lemme guess, you don't want to hook up, either."

"What? Oh..." Shay shrugged. "I hadn't really thought about it," she said. "I'm not a very... that's not really something I'm into, y'know?"

"Yeah. I mean, no, not really, but it's cool..."

"I think I'm just not a very sensual person," Shay said, finishing what she'd started saying before, running a nervous hand through her light brown hair.

Adam didn't seem to know what to say to this at first, chewing on his lower lip thoughtfully. "My mom said some people are just late bloomers," he offered eventually.

"Sure," Shay said with a shrug. "Could be. Or I'm just really picky, I dunno. But either way it's cool with me, I just don't have to think about it, so."

"You don't think about it?"

"About what?"

"You know..."

"About sex? Sure. I'm a writer, I think about that stuff all the time."

"Because you're a writer?" Adam looked confused.

"I'm fascinated by human relationships - all kinds. I just don't personally want one."

"Oh."

"Anyway," Shay said in a 'moving on' sort of tone. "What prompt did you get for our exercise tomorrow morning?"

"The, uh, 'write from an inanimate object's point of view' one. You?"

"The first contact one."

"Oh, cool. You know what you're going to write?"

"I think so. I want to write something about how people communicate, so I think it'll be about that. Just have to find a good hook."

"Cool."

"D'you know what inanimate object you're going to write as?"

"Well, uh, I was thinking a pencil, but I don't know if that's too cliché," he said, making a face.

"Only if you do it badly."

"Yeah... right."

"I'm sure you'll do it great."

"Yeah... well, I'm gonna go back and get a head start on some ideas. See you at breakfast?"

"See you then."

 

This time when Shay returned to her room Lex was there, lying on her bed apparently listening to music, her gaze fixed on the ceiling.

"Not going out tonight then, I guess," Shay said, though without much hope that the other girl would hear her, or respond if she did.

To her surprise, Lex pulled out one of her earphones, turning to look at her roommate. "What?"

"Huh? Oh..." Shay moved over to her desk to turn on her laptop. "I just said I guess you're not going out tonight."

"How'd you guess?" the other girl said dryly.

"You're still here? Look, whatever, okay, I was just commenting."

"Uh huh. Have a nice time with your friends?" It was hard to tell if her tone was mocking or not.

"I did, actually. We watched Mean Girls."

"Huh. Good for you."

"It's actually a pretty good movie."

"I know; I've seen it."

"'Kay. Well, I guess you didn't miss anything, then."

"Mm. Guess not."

"So. Um." Shay opened her email and began scanning down it idly. "What did you do tonight?"

"Went for a run. Listened to music. That's about it."

"You run, huh? Figures."

"What?"

"Oh, y'know. You just... look like a runner I guess. Long distance, right?"

Lex furrowed her brow. "Yeah. Cross country."

"Must be nice."

"I... guess?"

"I'm a shitty runner. And I suck at sports."

"Too bad."

"Eh, I don't really like them anyway. I mean, they're fun for a while but I'm not like into them, y'know?"

"...sure."

Okay, there's only so long I can do this. Shay let a silence fall then, going back to checking Facebook. Lex seemed happy to finish the conversation there, putting her earphone back in and falling back onto her pillow once more. Slightly reassured that perhaps things wouldn't be so bad after all, Shay was soon finishing up on her computer and getting ready for bed, shimmying out of her day clothes and into her pyjamas. Lex was still lying on her bed listening to her music when Shay began to drift to sleep, but then, that was a pretty normal roommate type thing to do.

 

"And their fingertips parted, and it was done."

Shay's pulse was racing a little in her neck as she finished and rose her head from her laptop screen. The first thing she saw was Anita, nodding a little and smiling encouragingly - and approvingly, Shay thought with a thrill. Eventually she tore her eyes away from their mentor's to look around the rest of the room, fixing a sheepish grin on her face.

"So, does anybody have any feedback for Shayla?" the tutor prompted.

As usual, there was a stretch of silence before someone spoke up. Unusually, it was her roommate, who was sitting at the back of the room, long legs stretched out in front of her. "It didn't seem very realistic to me."

Realistic? What... Shay swallowed the excuses, and managed to nod. "I can see that," she said. "You kind of have to just accept that the world would get together and choose one girl to make contact, with no armour or protection or whatever, and would let her make the decision for herself how to communicate."

"No, not that," Lex said with an annoyed wave of her hand. "Like, sure, whatever, that's the conceit of the story. But the internal monologue, her thoughts - those are what didn't sound right."

"Oh." Shay frowned, though mainly in thought. "How come?"

"They were just too... ordered. I mean, am I really supposed to believe this girl gets this incredible weight on her shoulders and she just thinks 'oh, there's so much pressure, what will I do?"

A couple of the other students snickered a bit. Lex ignored them, staring straight at Shay with a challenging expression on her face.

"Well, I mean... it's a short story. I feel like if I wanted to realistically portray the panic and avoidance of someone in a situation like that it'd be a novel..."

"So instead of trying to figure out a way to make it work, you're gonna punk out? Nice," Lex snorted.

"Constructive, please," Anita reminded her.

"I just think you could make it work, even in that format. If you wanted to."

"It wasn't really part of the story I was trying to tell..." Shay stammered, face growing red. Had she punked out? Had she phoned this in? She'd thought it was pretty decent - good, even...

Lex just gave a shrug, apparently done with her 'feedback', leaning back in her chair once again.

"Okay, um." Shay wanted to just shrink and disappear but somehow she remembered 'the rules'. "Um, thanks for that, Lex."

"And thanks for sharing, Shayla," Anita said warmly then. "Okay, who's next? Sophie, you said you were working on something, want to give us a taste?"

"Um, sure..."

Shay tried to pay attention to the rest of the session, but found it hard to concentrate. In spite of herself her eyes kept flickering up to Lex. She was a little hurt, sure, and didn't think the criticism was entirely fair. On the other hand, it meant Lex had listened - not just that but cared enough to say something. And she couldn't entirely hate that.

 

Things settled into a routine, more or less, after that. The students were all kept busy with studio sessions, seminars, and 'recreational' outings, usually somewhere in town or to one of the campus's attractions, chaperoned by the tutors. In between there was still time for socialising, and almost every evening found a group in the common room, watching a movie or playing card games while they talked over what they had learned that day.

Their one-on-one sessions had begun also, where they had small tutorials and split off for solo work, with multiple tutors were on-hand, assigned to them according to their chosen medium. Shay was working with a fine artist named Jim, who in the first day taught her a great deal about perspective and composition, and to her combined delight and nerves with Anita for writing.

She found the older woman an encouraging tutor, positive about just about any attempt she made at putting words to paper and excellent at getting Shay herself to puzzle out the best way to fix the problems that arose as she did so.

She also seemed to be quite familiar with comic book and graphic novel writing, which was perhaps why they'd been paired up, and the end of their first session was passed talking about their favourite works and comparing notes on what they had and hadn't read.

"Oh wow, so you haven't read Blankets? You totally have you, it's... it's amazing, seriously."

"I'll try and look it up when I get home. Or, I mean, unless they have it in the library here..."

"Maybe, I don't know, but you don't have to do that - I've got it, I'll totally lend it to you."

"Yeah? Um... that'd be great, thanks!"

"No problem," the young woman said with a smile. "D'you want me to bring it tomorrow, or you could come pick it up from my room..."

"Um, either is... I don't wanna put you out; I can come by, that would be fine." Shay's heart fluttered a little at this.

"Okay, cool. I'm in room 204 - do you know where that is?"

"Um, oh, like, 204 here, in the Kidd building? You're not over in another part of the campus?"

"Nope, I guess they wanted to keep us all close."

"Fair enough. I'm in Ford, but they all seem pretty similar, I'm sure I can find you. Um. When's good? I'm sure you have a billion better things to do than wait in for some kid..."

"Nah, most nights I'm in my room, typing away... you know how it goes," Anita added with a conspiratorial grin that gave Shay a sudden and rather confusing flutter in her stomach.

"Uh, okay, so... after dinner, then I guess? I'd say before but..." Shay trailed off with a shake of her head. She didn't really want to remind Anita that she had detention.

"Sure, after dinner's fine. Anytime after seven, really."

"Right, um. Cool. I'll... see you then - tonight okay?"

"Yeah, sure, sounds great!"

Shay grinned in spite of her irrational desire to 'look cool' around Anita.

"Now... let's get back to work. What were you thinking for the last paragraph there - you going to switch perspective again?"

"Mm, I don't know, d'you think I should?"

 

Shay couldn't help the grin that kept falling over her face the rest of that day - so much so that Erica commented on it at 'detention', and it didn't escape the notice of the girl waiting in her room when she returned there after dinner either.

"Lemme guess, you've got a date with one of the geeks," Lex said with a roll of her eyes. "You gonna watch movies together on that smelly couch?"

"What? No..." Shay rolled her eyes and turned to open her wardrobe and sift through her clothes, resolving to change her shirt before heading back out.

"Well, what is it then?" Lex demanded, apparently forgetting that she and Shay weren't really bosom buddies.

"What's what?"

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing?"

"Fine, whatever," her roommate said with an exasperated sigh, flopping back onto her bed.

"I'm going out past the campus store," Shay said impulsively then. "Can I get you anything on the way back?"

"Sure, gimme a six-pack," Lex snorted. "And a packet of Virginia Slims."

Shay sighed. "Whatever. See you later."

"Hey wait," the other girl said suddenly, pushing herself up. "I'm going out too. I'll walk with you."

"That's-..." Shay began to protest and then realised there was really no good reason to do so. "Sure," she said with a shrug.

The other girl shoved her feet into a pair of battered sneakers and then stretched her hands over her head, looking at Shay expectantly. "Well?"

"...Kay." Shay turned and made her way out, holding the door for Lex as she went. Together the two girls headed out of the dorm building; Shay found that she had to walk quickly to keep up with Lex's long-legged stride.

"So, um. 'Nother college party?" she asked as they walked, more to fill the silence than anything else.

"Going for a run."

"Oh. Um. Cool. That's cool." They walked in silence a while. "So it is nice to run at night?"

"It's cooler, usually."

"Figures I guess."

"Mm."

So the question is if you're out for a run, why are you walking with me now? They reached the Kidd building in silence, and Shay drew to a halt. "'Kay, so, um. Enjoy your run, I guess?"

Lex looked up at the building, then back to Shay, nodding. "Yeah. Have fun... doing whatever."

Shay hoped very much that in the fading light Lex couldn't see her blush.

 

After her knock, it was only a few moments before Anita pulled open the door, looking pleased to see the younger woman. "Shayla, hey, you made it, cool. You want to come in?"

"Um..." Yep. "Sure..."

Anita's room was almost identical to Shay's own, except of course there was only one bed, and the white cinderblock walls had a series of postcards tacked up in a rather random fashion. There were also books everywhere - stacked on the desk, lining the small bookshelf, peeking out from under the bed.

Shay looked around with interest, forgetting for a moment that she was trying to look cool.

"So, uh, I swear I thought I had the book, but I've turned my room upside down and I can't find it," Anita said then, making a face.

"Oh. Um. Well, that's okay," Shay said with a shrug. "It's cool. I'll just... look in the library after all."

"I found a couple other things you might like, though. I mean, if you want them." Shay knew she was grinning like an idiot again but there didn't seem to be anything she could do about it. "Yeah, great, I mean cool, that'd be awesome, I mean yeah..." She trailed off with a sheepish chuckle. "I swear I'm usually less of a moron than this."

"Hey, it's not moronic to get excited over good books - far from it," Anita told her, shaking her head. "Assuming these are good, I mean. I think they'll be to your taste, but you'll have to be the judge of that."

"Sure - I mean, I'm sure they are," Shay said. "Um... so what're they about?" she asked, slipping her hands into her pockets in her best attempt to look casual.

"Well," Anita said, picking up a small stack of books from her desk and turning back to Shay, "this one's kinda semi-autobiographical, with a parallel story set in the World's Fair in eighteen-something, and this one is a zombie story set in the South, it's amazing, and this one," she said with a flourish, "is just... well, I don't want to spoil anything, but it's basically fairytales in New York sort of noir mystery thriller, and it's amazing."

"Wow, so I've totally heard about these but I haven't managed to read any of them," Shay said with a grin as she picked up the first one and flipped through it. "Um, I shouldn't just run off with all your comics, though, I mean... are you sure?"

"Of course! I mean, it's not like I don't know where to find you if you try to steal them." Anita grinned, reaching up to adjust her glasses.

"Right. I mean, sure, totally. Um. So I could just... take one for now and come back when I'm done maybe?"

Anita opened her mouth, then shut it again, giving a nod. "Yeah, sure, that works."

"Just, y'know. My room mate shoves stuff in hedges when she's pissed."

"Ah, right. So you guys aren't getting along any better?"

"Oh... I guess we are. I think she's kinda given up on trying to get to me."

"Well, that's good at least. Sometimes a détente is the best you can hope for."

Shay tried to ignore her little thrill at the conversational use of the word 'détente'. Nerd. "Um, yeah. Quite. So, um... Erica said you were at grad school here?"

"Mmhmm. Just finished my Master's degree, moving on to PhD soon... at least that's the plan."

"Career in academia, huh?"

"Yeah, well... those who can't, teach," Anita said with a grin and a shrug.

"Shaw, right? He was a prick. Teachers are amazing. They change lives."

"Well, that's the hope, anyway."

"I don't doubt it for a second. You've been amazing this past few days. I really feel like I've learned a lot - aaand I'm not just saying that so you'll loan me comics," Shay added with a grin.

"Hah, well, you know they'll rot your mind, or something. And, um, some of them are kind of adult, so... well, just don't get me in trouble if you end up being scandalised by them."

"I'm eighteen next month, I think I can handle them."

Anita smiled. "Okay, cool. Well... which one do you want to take away first?"

"Ummmmmm... let's say the 'amazing' noir thriller, yeah?"

"I was hoping you'd say that!"

"Yeah? Well, good. I... guess I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Mmhmm. Have a good night, Shayla."

"Shay," came the response. "I mean... most people call me Shay."

"Oh!" the other woman said, looking chagrined. "I'm sorry, of course, Shay. Right, got it."

"Hey, it's cool, you didn't know, I didn't say." She felt a sudden urge to wipe the unhappy expression from Anita's face however she could. "Are you just 'Anita'? I mean, is that what you prefer, or..."

"Yeah, just Anita - I used to hate it when people called me Annie, y'know? So that's why I'm sorry I was calling you something you didn't like..."

"No, no, I don't mind Shayla at all, it's pretty, just... I guess it's never quite felt like me, y'know?"

"Yeah, totally, I get it. And I won't make the same mistake twice, I promise."

"Okay, it's cool. So, um... g'night, then."

"Yeah, night. See you tomorrow, Shay."

And even though it was very deliberate, almost awkwardly so, Shay still felt as though no one had said her name quite the way Anita had just said it, and she felt herself grin all the wider.

 

When she got back to her room, Lex was lounging on her bed in her towel, apparently having just returned from the shower. She looked up from the magazine she was thumbing through, her eyes flicking to the book Shay was cradling.

"Where'd you get that?"

"What? Oh..." Shay looked down guiltily at the book in her arms. "Picked it up from Anita."

"I knew it."

"You... whatnow?"

"I totally knew that's who you were going to see."

"Oh. Well, I mean. She's my mentor. So."

"Uh huh."

What's that supposed to mean? "Mm. Anyway."

"Anyway," Lex repeated, though she didn't seem to have anything to follow this up with, merely sitting up and reaching for the oversized t-shirt at the end of her bed.

This 'conversation' apparently over, Shay barely glanced over her emails before flopping down onto the bed to get started on the book. On her own bed Lex dropped her towel and shimmied into the shirt, using the towel then to dry her damp, curling hair. In her peripheral vision Shay caught a flash of the other girl's lean, tanned form before it disappeared beneath the teeshirt - well, all but those long legs. She had a sudden urge to glance over, but kept her eyes studiously on her book.

"So what's it about?"

"Huh? Oh... it's, um, sort of an noir urban fairytale?"

"Right."

Shay hesitated. Then, "Are you, um. Into comics? Or graphic novels or whatever?"

"I dunno. I've read a few. They're not really my thing."

"What is your thing?"

"I dunno. I like books. Literature. Short stories. Anything good, really."

Anything good. How eloquent. "'Kay. Um, read anything good recently?"

"Yeah, actually - Oryx and Crake. Have you heard of it?"

"Oh, uh, I have actually, yeah - I love Margaret Atwood, though I haven't read her latest stuff."

"Well, it's pretty good." Lex hesitated, obviously reluctant to get drawn into a proper conversation, but in the end her enthusiasm won out. "If you like fairy tale adaptations you'd probably like it," she said, nodding towards the comic in Shay's lap. "It's got some similarities."

"Yeah? How so?"

"I guess the way it's told, it's kind of a fable about fantastical events, with larger-than-life characters. I mean, they go by the nicknames 'Oryx' and 'Crake', so..."

"Oh, fair enough - I really don't know anything about it. But I'll look it up."

"Mm. 'Kay."

"So, um..." Shay began to formulate another question, but ended up trailing off without asking it. After all, wasn't she just opening herself up to another cold shoulder? Thinking better of speaking any further, she looked back to her comic. She heard the other girl give a huff and flop back down on the bed, reaching for her mp3 player on her desk.

At least Lex was quiet - even her headphones were the noise-reducing kind - and soon enough bedtime neared without either girl saying another word. A few minutes before eleven Lex got up and headed to brush her teeth, still just wearing the thigh-skimming t-shirt from before. Shay found her gaze following the other girl's movements as she went back and forth - sink to cupboard, cupboard to sink (the room wasn't exactly arranged in an ergonomic fashion). Though she was slim, with narrow hips and a near-flat chest, Lex had powerful-looking thighs and calves, no doubt from all the running she did, and she certainly didn't move the way some skinny girls did, like they might fold over sideways at any moment.

When she finished she flopped back down onto her bed with a sigh. "I hate this place."

So we're talking now? Lex sat up and put her book aside, swinging her own legs off her bed to head over to the sink. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's the worst."

"Right." Shay didn't ask why, just going through the motions of her own ablutions. Cupboard to sink, sink to cupboard.

Lex sighed again, loudly and dramatically. Then, "my mom's dying, you know."

Shay blinked, her hand stilling in its brushing a little. At length, she rinsed and spat. She turned to head back to the bedside, pulling out her pyjamas, though she halted before beginning to strip off her day clothes to say, "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Mm."

Lex felt like she should say something more, but she wasn't sure what. She couldn't ask what her mother was dying of, that was just invasive. She couldn't offer any sort of affection. And commenting on either Lex's crappy behaviour or the fact she seemed to get away with it in connection with this was also most definitely out. Instead, she just began undressing for bed.

The other girl sat on her bed for a minute longer before sighing again and pulling back her sheets forcefully and climbing into bed. She pulled the blankets up around her; Shay listened carefully but heard no crying, much to her guilty relief.

 

"Can you take table fourteen, Shay? I'm dying here..."

"Crap, I'm pretty swamped myself... Dar gave her a pleading look and she sighed. "Yeah, okay, I guess I can handle one more."

"You're a lifesaver, babe."

"Yeah, yeah, rewards in heaven, whatever..." Shay shot Dar a harried grin, and whipped out her pad as she approached the table in question. "Hi there, are you ready to order?"

"...Shayla. Hello."

"Uh. Lex," Shay said, neglecting to use Lex's full name in return for all that she had a sudden childish urge to do so. "Hi."

"...hi. You work here?"

"I... do?" Shay tried for a smile but was pretty sure she achieved a weak grimace. "Small world, huh."

"So it seems." Lex was just as stunning up close, her long, blonde hair artfully tousled as it cascaded down her back, her cheeks and nose still brushed with tiny freckles. "How are you?"

"Y'know. Getting by. You?"

"I'm. I'm okay." The other woman hesitated, then began to speak quickly, her words tripping over one another in their haste to be free. "Shayla, I really want to say how sorry I am for what happened, there's no excuse for what I did but I think about it every day and regret my part in it, and I just want you to know how sorry I am for... everything I did."

"Lex..." Shay sighed. "I'm at work," was all she could think to say.

Lex had the decency to look ashamed. "Right. Right, I'm sorry."

"We were kids, okay? Just... forget it."

The other woman all but gaped at her. "Forget it? But I--"

"Don't worry about it," Shay said. "I'm over it. It was a long time ago. So..." she lifted her pad again. "What can I get you?"

 

"So... what did you think?"

"It was... great, actually. Really good. Um..." Shay grinned sheepishly as she found herself lost for words. "Very tense."

"Tense, huh? Hopefully in a good way."

"Yeah, yeah - I read almost all of it on the first night."

Anita grinned. "That's always a good sign. Well, I'm glad you liked it... did it inspire you at all?"

"'Inspire' me? I... guess I didn't think about that..." Shay confessed, looking chagrined as she leaned back against Anita's desk.

"Ah, well, that's okay. Sometimes it's good just to read things for the enjoyment of them."

"So, um... what did you think about it?"

"Oh, well, I love it... but then I'm a sucker for all those re-imagining type updates. There's something intriguing about taking known characters and twisting them around... like, have you read Wicked?"

"I've, um... Seen the show? I do keep meaning to read it; I know there's a lot more to the book..."

"Wow, you've seen the show, lucky. I've heard it's really good, did you enjoy it?"

"I did, yeah. I'm not a huge musicals fan, to be honest, I was dragged along by friends, but it was actually really good."

"Cool. So, um, did you want to borrow another one then? Can't promise it'll be as good, of course..."

"Um, yeah, definitely. I mean, if you don't mind - must be a drag having me coming here and cramping your style every other night..."

"Not at all, it's great to get so many visits from you guys," Anita said, turning to pick a book from the pile next to her bed.

"Us... guys?" Shay hoped that she sounded innocent, even as her heart sank a little bit. Not special after all, then.

"Yeah, Lex came by the other day... I assumed because you told her about my book-lending service."

"Oh. Well, I mean, I mentioned that you'd loaned me this, yeah. She... came to see you? What for?"

"To borrow a book, of course."

"Right. Um. Well, that's... nice, I guess?"

"Mmhmm! How about this one?" Shay barely looked, so preoccupied were her thoughts, but she saw at her glance that it was one of Anita's first recommendations.

"Sure, sounds great."

"Kay. I hope you like it."

"I'm sure I will. Um. So tomorrow," Shay said then, spurred by this new information about Lex to spit out an idea that had been percolating in her mind. "I was thinking about what you said about inspiration. I wondered if we could maybe do our one-on-one outside somewhere - maybe down by the lake? It's cool if you think it's a stupid idea, I just figured..."

"No, sure, that's a great idea. Wherever you like."

"Okay, cool. So I'll just catch you at class and we can walk out from there?"

"Sure, that works."

 

Shay couldn't even begin to hide the look on her face that night as she got into the room she shared with Lex, and the other girl raised her eyebrows in mild interest. "What?"

"Huh?" Shay knew she sounded sharper than she meant to but she couldn't help it, and she tossed her newly borrowed book down onto the bed before moving over to her laptop.

"You look pissed."

"Yeah? Well." Shay tapped the keys a little too hard as she typed in her password, fingers clacking loudly and betraying her. "I'm fine," she added.

"Mm, okay then."

This disregard was almost more annoying than if Lex had pressed her further, and Shay swivelled round in her desk chair suddenly to ask, "Why'd you go see Anita?"

The blonde girl looked up again, shrugged. "I needed something to read."

"There's a library."

"Mmhmm."

"But you went to see Anita anyway. She's not even your mentor. What's the game?"

"Uh... what game?"

"Come on, you don't give a shit about being here or doing anything, you won't engage with or talk to anyone, then I tell you I've been to see Anita and you were all 'I knew it' - whatever that's supposed to mean, and then the next day you go see her for a book when there's a massive library right there? And that's supposed to be a coincidence? I'm not an idiot. I know you're trying to fuck with me. I just don't know how, so could you just tell me because I hate this kind of shit."

"Oh please," Lex said, rolling her eyes. "She's not your private toy or whatever - I have her for writing too. Chill out."

"Okay, I just... would you just stop? I'm sorry you don't want to be here. I'm sorry shit is hard for you. But I am trying to achieve something here, I'm trying to get better at what I want to do with my life and I thought it might actually be nice to have a friend here."

"I'm sorry, how is me borrowing a fucking book interfering with you 'getting better' or making friends?" Lex asked, her hackles rising now.

"I just thought there might be one part of this whole experience that didn't have to involve you!" Shay snapped. "Is that too much to ask? That I could do something without hearing your name, or go somewhere without you snarking at me about it!"

"Sorry my existence annoys you so much. Maybe if you hadn't started that fight we wouldn't have to be roommates and then you wouldn't have to put up with me breathing near you."

"I started it? Jeeesus, talk about revisionist history!"

"You were the one who got all upset over the sketchbook. You were the one who put your hands on me."

"Fine! Whatever! I don't even care - I guess it's fitting then that I've been the one going to detention by myself, but then that was just a relief honestly. Look..." Shay tried to calm herself even as her hands bunched into fists and she rose from her chair, though she just hovered after that, unsure where to go, certainly not prepared to get any closer to Lex in case she did something stupid. "Just... tell me why you went to see her. If it's not about me, fine. But it's not about book borrowing either. So. Just tell me. And... and I swear I'll leave you alone - I shouldn't've said that stuff."

Lex rolled her eyes again, though Shay could tell she was still hurt, and angry. "I just thought she was cute, and I wanted to see her outside of class. So sue me."

This was not what Shay had expected. Her brows drew together in confusion, and an echo had spilled out of her before she could stop it. "Thought she was cute? I don't..."

"Oh please. It's not rocket science."

"You're into her?"

Lex shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe."

"But..." Shay's ears were ringing, suddenly and she sat down again. "But she's... but you're... like, sixteen or something," she finished lamely.

"So? Pretty sure Angelina Jolie's older than me too and she's still hot."

"Oh. So... Okay." Shay wasn't sure what to do with this information, and it showed. "Right."

"I thought you said you'd stop bothering me if I told you. And I told you. So."

"Okay. I mean, I will. I have. Sorry."

"Mm."

"So why-... nevermind."

"What?"

"Just... why were you all 'I knew it' when I'd been to see her?"

"Because I've seen you mooning over her in class."

"What? I haven't... I'm not even..."

"Uh huh."

"So y'know, that's not what this is about. At all."

"Okay, whatever." Lex pushed to her feet then, suddenly seeming very close and very intimidating. "I'm going out."

"Where? I mean, sorry, right, sure, sorry..." Shay shook her head. "Look, it's no big deal," she said then, impulsively. "Like, I'm not gonna be... weird."

"You mean other than resenting me and hating my guts," Lex said dryly. "Great. Glad to hear it."

"Yeah, but, no, but..."

"Whatever. Don't wait up." With that, Lex turned on her heel and stalked out, shutting the door firmly behind her.

 

Shay almost didn't even fetch the bill - she probably would've asked Dar to do it, in fact, but the other woman was so overrun with customers that just wasn't gonna happen - she barely managed a "Fourteen needs her bill!" in passing with laden arms.

Such was her reluctance even to be in the same space with the other woman that she couldn't believe what she'd done at first, writing her number and name on a scrap of receipt paper, neatly passing it across to Lex with her card receipt - on top, so she'd definitely see that it wasn't just another printout to be tossed straight in the trash when she got home.

Then, of course, all she could do was wait. It had seemed like Lex had wanted to talk, had fallen over herself to try and open a conversation, but would she still want to when Shay wasn't standing right there, staring down at her? Maybe she'd rather just brush off the encounter and forget it. Shay really wished she could, but as she went to bed that night she couldn't help thinking back to that summer, and what had passed between them.

 

"Wow, two sessions outdoors in a row. I'm gonna get spoiled," Anita said with a grin, settling down on the grass next to Shay. Shay grinned in turn, running a hand through her hair - its brown already streaking blonde a little from he sun she'd been getting the past couple of days.

"It's just nice to get out of the classroom," she said. "Idunno, forget you're technically my teacher and just connect over writing, y'know?" Shay hoped Anita knew. This past couple of days she found herself more and more wanting Anita to see her not as a student but as an equal. After all, there really weren't that many years between them - what, three or four? Five at most? Her eyes wandered across the young woman as Anita got out her things - she'd brought her own notebook and pen, today, 'the old-fashioned way' she commented, observing how hard it was to see a screen in this sun, her dark brows drawn together to shade her eyes as she looked across at Shay. She was wearing the same white shirt she had on the first day, sleeves rolled up past her elbows, and they were sitting close enough that Shay could see the fine pattern of hairs on Anita's lower arm, and it was suddenly very hard not to touch her.

Part of her hated Lex for opening her eyes to this - to all of this. To the acknowledgement of her way her pulse skipped when Anita smiled, the little wriggle she felt inside at the other girl's more awkward mannerisms - the way she pushed her glasses up her nose, the way she would say something and then grin reflexively afterwards even if the thing wasn't particularly exciting or funny. The rest of her - the bit that wasn't busy hating Lex - well the rest of her was just focussed on Anita.

"So, um. I worked through some revisions last night," she said, a little reluctant to dive straight into work but not really sure what else she could do.

"Oh yeah? Cool. D'you want to read them aloud, or..." The 'or', of course, was that Anita could lean in, looking over Shay's shoulder as she read her revisions, close enough to touch.... or of course, Shay could just pass her the notebook. With almost palpable regret, Shay passed it over, though after a moment she shifted a tiny bit closer to look over Anita's shoulder in turn - after all, what if her mentor couldn't read her handwriting?

Anita was a fast reader, flipping through several pages in quick succession before returning to the first page. "Okay, so this is a lot better. This section flows a lot more smoothly," she said, indicating several paragraphs with her finger. "I know how hard it can be to cut stuff but I really think paring it down was the right choice. What do you think?"

Shay nodded. "Yeah, I mean. I think it's better too. I kept the stuff I cut 'cause there were some images I liked, but. Well, I dunno, maybe I'll find some other use for them but I think that stuff is best gone."

"Yeah, totally, nothing saying you can't rework them for other scenes, or at least keep the themes going," Anita said, grinning.

"Right. So, um, I did some sketches too. I mean, obviously I know you're not my art tutor, but if you were interested..."

"Yeah, of course! Let's see them."

Shay drew out her sketchpad and flipped to the page where the character art for the story started before passing it to Anita. The sketches were in pencil, but she was quite happy with them, their sure lines and minimal shading nevertheless conveying well the looks and expressions she wanted to get across.

"Oh wow, this is great, Shay," Anita murmured, glancing up at the girl with a quick grin before looking back at the drawings. "You've totally captured them - Sarah looks exactly how I imagined her."

"Yeah?" Shay was so overcome with relief and delight at this approval that at first she didn't even notice as Anita turned to subsequent pages - more pictures of Sarah and the other lead characters followed, even up to and including the dog, and then-

"Oh, don't-" Shay actually moved to stop Anita as she turned the last page - too late to stop it happening and moreover meaning that her hand was over Anita's when she saw it.

The diminutive young woman was captured perfectly - with her distinctive short back and sides and long on top haircut, her thick-rimmed glasses, her tan skin. She was even wearing a button-down shirt, though in Shay's rendition it was all she was wearing, her legs bare as she curled up in the chair that had been drawn around her. She wore a shy smile, and was looking to the side, presumably at whoever owned the hand that lay under hers on the arm of the chair, their fingers linked, the arm disappearing off into nowhere at the edge of the sketch.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck... Shay didn't even know what to say. She pulled her hand away from Anita's like had burned her, and sat back away from her, face growing redder by the second.

"Oh," the other woman said, staring at the page for several long, torturous seconds. "Wow, that's... you're really talented, Shay." Carefully she flipped the pages back, looking up to give the student a small, mostly genuine smile. "And the characters look great. I can't wait to see the story when it's all laid out."

"Thanks," Shay said miserably, knowing that she was blushing from ear-to-ear, was comprehensively busted, and could do absolutely nothing about it. Cue my own mentor avoiding me for the rest of the summer. Might as well just switch to full art.

"So, um... do you maybe just want to do a free write for a bit, see what comes out? I'll join you."

"Sure."

The two sat in silence for some time, Anita busily scribbling in her notebook, Shay most staring at the page in front of her as her embarrassment and horror grew. Eventually, she could take it no more. "Actually, I'm kind of dying of the heat out here," she said, flipping her notebook shut. "Think I need to... I should go."

"Wait," Anita said, looking up and pushing her glasses back up her nose from where they had slid down in the course of her writing. "I mean, of course, you should go, I just... could you take this?" she asked, tearing out several pages from her pad and offering them to Shay. "Y'know, and read it? When you have the time."

"Um. Okay." Shay was hoarse from the lump that had grown in her throat over the past minutes, but she nodded and took the pages, sticking them under the front cover of her own notebook and gathering the rest of her things together in record time.

She didn't dare go back to her room in case Lex was there, but she wasn't sure where else to go - where, on a college campus, could you go when you were fairly sure you were going to cry?

In the end, she opted for the deserted film room. It was out of the way down in the basement of Ford Hall, and with everyone else in class she ought to be fine. Only after a few long minutes sitting trying to get her breathing in order did she pull out the writing Anita had passed to her.

It wasn't a letter; Shay didn't know whether to be relieved or crushed by this fact, but she read on anyway. It seemed to be the beginning of a story, a fairytale almost, about a girl who travelled far from home and seemed to be primed to go on many adventures. To be honest, it was obviously a first draft, lacking any real coherence though well-written enough. At the end it broke off mid-sentence to a hastily scribbled note.

Shay, I don't really know where I was going with this story. I don't really think it's mine to tell, to be honest. Maybe you could help me? What happens next?

A frown of bemusement settled over Shay's face, and she felt her heart sink a little. As clear as the metaphor was, she couldn't help but read it as a gentle let-down - everything she would have expected to hear someone in Anita's position say: "You have a great life ahead of you and you've only just started," "There'll be other crushes - reciprocated crushes," "We're not at the same place in our journey." - as rough as the draft was it seemed pretty clear to her that her mentor was trying to recalibrate - not just back to where they were, but to a new place, where Anita was very definitely the 'grown-up' and Shay was a child with a silly crush - a girl in a fairytale.

As much as she'd never for a moment expected that Anita would return her affections somehow (not least because she had never had the slightest intention to reveal them), it still hurt, and she felt the lump rising in her throat again. Not one for tears even at the worst of times, she was soon under control again, and stuffing the pages into a zip-pocket in her bag she rose and began to make her way to her next class.

 

"Hi. It's Alex. Lex. I... I got your note, obviously. Listen, I don't know if you want to talk, or meet up, or whatever, but I'm in town for a few more days, so. If you wanted to meet up I can. I'm staying at the Sheraton downtown. I... well, I really don't want to say any more on your answering machine, so just call me back if you want to. My number is..."

Shay reached for the receiver in spite of herself as the other woman began reeling her number off. Perhaps it was the semi-conscious desire to wrong-foot Lex, she wasn't sure, but there she was putting it to her ear regardless. "Hey, I'm here."

"Oh. Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn't realise..."

"That's okay."

"So did you hear the rest of my... If you want to meet up, or just talk over the phone, I'm game, just whatever you want."

Shay sighed. "I'm okay, Lex - Alex," she corrected herself, revealing that of course she had heard the rest of the message. "It just seemed like you have stuff you want to get out. I couldn't do that at work, but if you have things you need me to hear, we can meet."

"No, I don't... I mean, I've already said my piece, you don't need to listen to me for my sake, I don't deserve that. But if you wanted to talk, for your sake, then of course we can. And if you don't want to see me or hear from me ever again, I understand that, and I'll leave you alone."

Closing her eyes for a long moment Shay tamped down her irritation at this response. "Okay," she said then. And then, "Well, I don't really need to talk. Like I said, it was a long time ago. Seeing you was... what it was. Random chance. Why would I hear from you again anyway? It's just... not a thing I think about."

"Right. Okay. I'm sorry for... bringing it up, then."

"You do what you need to." Like always.

She heard a heavy sigh from the other woman. "Listen, Shayla, I really am sorry. But obviously I'm not doing anyone any favours right now, so I'll just... go. I'm sorry for bothering you."

"Jesus, this is still all about you, isn't it? Is it so hard to parse that maybe you didn't fuck me up forever and you aren't causing me some deep abiding pain by appearing like this?" Shay snapped then. "Am I shaking up your personal narrative of the last nine years so much that you can't actually understand what I'm saying?"

"...I get what you're saying, and if it's true then I'm really glad that it didn't mess you up," Lex said carefully, though Shay could hear the edge of annoyance in her tone. "Look, I know I'm being selfish and I shouldn't had said anything, but I was surprised by seeing you and wanted to offer an apology for treating you badly all those years ago. That's all. You don't have to forgive me, or even acknowledge me. Like I said, I'll leave you alone now, you can go back to... not thinking about me."

"Look, I don't hold you responsible, okay? I believe that you're sorry - we were kids, we both did some really stupid stuff. But what happened was ultimately on me. So just... I don't want you wandering around carrying this guilt with you, okay? Just... you're forgiven, you're acknowledged. Whatever you need. Just... get on with your life and stop worrying about me, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay." Another sigh. "Goodbye, then."

"Good bye."

As soon as she hung up the phone, Shay picked it up again, dialling another number.

"Dar?" She could hear the wobble in her voice, but was pretty sure Dar wouldn't. "You're off tonight right? Think you'd be available to listen to a really long, really boring story about my childhood? I... think I need to talk to someone."

 

Things had gone from pretty idyllic to pretty miserable in the space of one day - Shay's mood plummeted, and her enjoyment of the classes and her new friends seemed to take a back seat to her disappointment and misery. She skipped her mentoring sessions the next two days - Anita didn't make any comment about, though in class the older woman certainly tried to reach out to her, a gesture which only made her rejection harder to bear. All in all, Shay found it hard to believe things could get any worse.

And then she walked in on Lex going through her sketchpad, one evening after dinner.

"-the fuck..." Shay crossed the room in a couple of strides, grabbing for the notebook immediately.

Lex let her rip it from her hands, but her knowing smirk said that she had already seen enough. "Interesting work."

"Private work - again I ask, what the hell is wrong with you! I don't go through your stuff!"

"What, this is all about making art, we're supposed to share," the other girl reasoned.

"Just shut the fuck up, okay, you know perfectly well that's not cool!" Shay's face was bright red, she knew - obviously Lex had seen something incriminating, but the question was what - the sketches of Anita? Or the equally risqué sketches of Lex herself?

Lex shrugged. "Sorry."

"Yeah, I bet."

Rolling her eyes, the other girl turned to pick up her book - a graphic novel, Shay realised, probably on loan from Anita. This was the last straw.

"I'm going out," Shay said, straightening and bundling both her sketchbook and her notebook into her bag before slinging it over her shoulder. "Leave my fucking stuff alone while I'm gone. Don't wait up," she added cattily.

 

"Wow, so I guess that whole 'she's fine, really' thing, that's last season now, huh?" Adam smirked as Shay finished another unpleasantly worded rant.

"Yeah, well. Everyone has their limits," she said with a shrug, swirling her straw around in her drink and fighting the urge to smirk slightly as the table, as one, turned to stare at Lex in her position in the corner of the lunchroom. "She's a nightmare. D'you know she hasn't shown up once to that detention we got? Plus she goes through my stuff while I'm not around."

"Whoa, really? That's not cool," Poppy said, shaking her head. Then, "what a bitch."

"Yep," Shay said with a shrug. "I tried to be nice, but she basically just threw everything I said back in my face. Plus she's constantly out after curfew at, like, frat parties or whatever, I don't even know."

"I bet she's totally sleeping around," Martin said.

"Yeah," Adam agreed sagely.

Shay was pretty damn sure Lex was doing nothing of the sort, and regardless of whether she was she felt a little unwell as she took in Martin and Adam's gleeful expressions at the idea, but she said nothing, just shrugging and rolling her eyes. Apparently this lack of discouragement was enough for them, as they both sniggered and exchanged significant glances. Poppy shook her head disapprovingly, look back over at the beautiful blonde girl sitting alone in the corner. Intentionally or not, Shay had just started her first rumour.

 

"So it grew legs and arms obviously - you know what kids are like, and suddenly some totally different kid apparently saw her blowing these college guys - like, three of them. And, well, you know the drill. I guess she was insulated to some extent since she'd never made any friends in the first place and also I dunno, I mean, we were basically all good kids underneath, it never got as venomous as it could've in a real high school I guess. But still. I felt really bad, and I didn't feel like I had any control over it. But I didn't do anything to try and stop it either."

"Huh." Dar blinked, shaking her head a little. "Kids are assholes, that much is for sure."

"Yeah, we were terrible. Plus we got totally carried away with it - normally we didn't get to do this stuff, y'know? So she's starting to obviously show the strain, like, she's more withdrawn, she stops showing up at mealtimes and skipping classes, and then one day I go to the bathroom and I hear this crying coming from another stall - like, proper heart-torn-out sobbing, and I remember her mom, and that she didn't even do any of the stuff they're saying and I'm like, shit, I let this happen 'cause she busted me on a crush? So I leave, I go outside - to get some air, to figure shit out - and I take a walk around the lake and I realise I need to go back and find her and try and sort stuff out, but then guess who I run into, out at the lake, because the world is cruel and unusual..."

 

"Shay, hi." Anita's smile was wide and genuine. "Taking advantage of the sunshine too, eh?"

Shay just stared at first, her expression striken. "I. Uh."

And then for the first time since everything had happened - Lex's comment that had unravelled so much, Anita seeing the sketch, that story, the rumours she had started - Shay's face crumpled, and she burst into tears.

"Oh, hey..." Anita immediately stepped closer, reaching out to put a hand on Shay's arm. "Hey, what's up, talk to me..."

Shay flinched at the contact, lifting her hand to cover her face, shaking her head. "It's nothing, it's no big deal, I... fuck, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Anita removed her hand, though she still remained, looking concerned. "Don't be sorry, it's okay, really. I really do care what's going on with you, Shay... you sure you don't want to talk?"

"I just fucked everything up, that's all," Shay said with another shake of her head, wiping her eyes almost savagely. "With Lex. With you. You were right, in that story. I'm sill a kid. I thought I was so much more mature than the rest of them but I'm still just a stupid kid."

"Hey, that's not what I meant with that story at all..." Anita frowned. "I was just trying to talk about your potential, Shay - you're immensely talented, you know that, right? That has nothing to do with you being young, or whatever, it was just... shit, it was just a clumsy metaphor I should've been more careful with. I'm sorry."

At another time this information might have been welcome - or at least, Shay thought it would; she wasn't sure whether Anita completely ignoring her crush was better or worse than trying to let her down gently. Right now it barely penetrated the numb feeling that was seeping across her body. "You saw the applications, right?" she said, glancing up at the older girl. "I mean, you know about the students' circumstances. Is Lex's mom really dying? I mean," she said quickly, "she told me that, I didn't... but is it true?"

"I, um... I don't know," the older woman said, shaking her head. "We don't really get personal details like that, just what's in the application..."

Shay sighed. "Right. I didn't know if maybe, with all the slack she was cut on discipline or whatever, if that was... why."

"The Dean might know, but he didn't tell us about it. We're just... this isn't school, we can't really force you to do things you don't want to do, and that goes for Lex. If she's saying stuff like that, though, true or not... she's obviously having a hard time..."

Another ragged sigh, and the tears threatened to spill over again. "Yeah. And it's at least mostly my fault."

"What do you mean?" Anita asked, looking concerned.

"I caught her going through my sketchbook. She saw... well. You know. And other stuff. And she was so..." Shay caught herself You're seriously making excuses for yourself? "I said some stuff - true stuff but... it grew into rumours about her and college guys, stuff that I'm positive isn't true. And I. Well. I didn't stop them. Haven't. Stopped them."

"Oh. Hm. That's... okay. Well, it's probably best if you... y'know, tried to gently put a stop to them, you know? That sort of thing can get nasty pretty quick."

"Yeah. I know. And I'm gonna try. I just... what if I really messed her up? What do I do then?"

"I'm sure it'll be okay," Anita said reassuringly, giving Shay a tight smile. "I'll talk to her, how about that? And if you guys need some kind of mediation, well, we can work on that. Things'll be all right, I promise."

"No, don't, don't." God, lower that from 'kid' to 'baby' then. "It's... I can do it. I should talk to her. I need to just suck it up and do it myself."

"Okay, well, I still should, just to check on her, you know? But I'll wait until after you guys have had a chance to talk, if you want."

"Please. Jesus, I'm sorry about all this - I swear this isn't me, this isn't anything like me."

"It's okay, I believe you," Anita said with a heartfelt look. "These situations can be really intense. Stuff happens."

"Mm. I'm sorry to drag you in, it isn't really anything to do with you. Well." Shay's mouth flattened to a wry line. "I guess it's everything to do with you, but not in a way that you have any actual responsibility. Is what I meant. Sorry."

Perhaps wisely, Anita didn't allow that conversational line to continue, merely shaking her head. "It's okay. C'mon, let's get inside, it's almost lunchtime."

"Mm. I mean right, okay."

 

Shay only looked in the foodhall long enough to establish that Lex wasn't there before departing in search of her. The bathrooms were empty now too, and so she headed to check their room. She found the other girl lying face-down on her bed, though she shifted as Shay came in, pushing herself up and wiping a hand across her eyes.

"Um. Hey."

"What do you want?" The words were accusatory, but her tone was tired, listless.

"Um." Shay moved over toward Lex's bed, hovering, thumbs hooked into her jeans pockets self-consciously. "I want to apologise. For everything. And to help make it better if I can." She took a deep breath and then spoke, too quickly to be interrupted. "I was angry and I overreacted massively. I'm sure you know I let those rumours spread - I knew there was no way they were true and even if they were it was uncool to just sit back and let people say that shit. I should never have done it, and I should especially never have let it go on this long. I think it might be the worst thing I've ever done, and I'll do anything I need to do put it right if I can."

"Why don't you fuck off. Can you do that?"

Shay blinked. "Um." The words sank in, and her heart with it. "Right," she said. "Well. I'm sorry anyway. If you change your mind, if there's anything I can do... just say I guess."

"Just leave me alone!" Lex said, sounding - and looking - more incensed now. "God! Do you even know what it's like, having people say those things about you? And not even behind your back, when you're right there, looking at them!"

"I don't. But I want to fix it. Look, say what you want to me, hate me, whatever, I deserve it, but I'm gonna try and shut them up and set them straight regardless. So. Whatever, I guess," Shay said with a frown. "I can't make you accept my apology and I don't expect you to forgive me. So I guess I'm done."

"Yeah, you're done all right." The blonde girl glared at Shay for a moment before grabbing her keycard and lanyard. "Bitch."

Shay watched her leave with a numb feeling in her stomach. She didn't stay long in her room though before heading to the lunchroom. She had a lot of talking - and pleading, and probably arguing - to do.

 

"So when she didn't come back to her room, I worried. I couldn't blame her for wanting to avoid me, but if I couldn't talk to her I couldn't try and work out a compromise, y'know? So I sat alone, fretting, 'til about one thirty. Latest she'd been out before was one, so I end up putting my clothes back on and sneaking out to Kidd. Keycards worked for both buildings 'cause there were rec rooms in Kidd, so I get in okay and head up to Anita's room - 'cause I'm like, she might at least know where Lex is if she's gone to some other part of the campus, y'know? But there's no answer. So I'm thinking that's too much of a coincidence - it's not like it's a weekend and Anita's no party animal. So I figured whatever was going on they were probably in the same place - maybe Lex had come to see her, maybe Anita found her somewhere earlier that day - so I sat down outside her door to wait for her."

 

The last person she had expected to see showing up at Anita's door was Dan, who looked just as shocked to see her. "Shay? What the... Jesus, it's all true..."

Shay blinked. "What? What's true? Where's Anita?"

"I... think you should come with me."

 

"So we're walking and I realise he's taking me to the Admin building, and I start asking more questions - is Anita okay, what's happened, has something happened to Lex - and when I mention Lex he just turns and stares at me with this look, like, I dunno, like this combination of suspicion and sympathy, and he still isn't telling me anything."

"Oh shit..."

 

"I'm afraid we're going to need to see your notebooks, and sketchpads," the Dean said, looking wearily across his desk at Shay.

Shay's eyes narrowed in confusion. "Why? Where's Lex? Is she okay?"

"Lex is fine - what we need to do now is make sure you and the other students are safe."

"Safe? What are you talking about - did she hurt herself, is that what this is about? Shit..."

"No, she didn't hurt herself... there was an... incident, with one of the mentors, and we just want to make sure that nothing else... untoward has occurred..."

"I don't understand."

"Shayla, it would be very helpful if you could tell me about your relationship with Anita Esten."

"She's my mentor."

"And during the time you spent with her, did she ever act in a way that made you... uncomfortable?"

Realisation began to dawn, and Shay began to feel a little sick. "Never," she said.

"Mm. And she never insinuated that..." He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable himself. "That she wanted to start some sort of... physical relationship with you?"

"What? No! Wait, has someone said that? Did Lex say that? Is that what's going on here?"

"I think that's enough for now. Dan will take you back to your room."

At the Dean's nod toward the door Shay realised they weren't alone - Dan had returned, and with hands full.

"Wait, are those my notebooks? Were you in my room? You... you can't do that." Shay leapt to her feet, reaching for the books. And Anita's story, Jesus...

"Shayla, obviously we would appreciate it very much if you cooperated with us - this is a very serious issue and we want to deal with it with all due process."

"But nothing happened! Like literally nothing! And there's just no way anything happened with Lex either, Anita would never."

"I'm afraid that's provably not true," the Dean said heavily. "So you can see why we need to be very thorough."

"Provably? There's no way you have proof - look, whatever Lex said she's lying to get at me, okay? I made her mad at me, this is all my fault, but Anita hadn't done anything wrong!"

"Shayla, we caught her in the act." Shay felt a tinny ringing in her ears, and watched the Dean's mouth opening and closing in silence before the sound faded in again. "...let go, of course, and Lex will be returning home shortly. Are you sure nothing untoward ever happened between you and Ms Esten? You will not be punished for anything that may have happened, we know you're not at fault here."

There was a long pause before Shay managed to respond. "I'm sure," she said. "I swear. Can I speak to her? Anita? Please?"

"I'm afraid that's not possible. Dan will take you back to your room now, try and get some sleep."

 

"They took my books anyway." Shay ran a weary hand across her face, and followed up with a long swig of her beer. "I was so thrown I forgot to get them back. And there were the pictures of her - way more undressed than I'd ever seen her, 'cause I was a horny teen artist, y'know? It's what we do. And worse still there was the letter from her - the story about the girl with that message from her at the end about what happened next. They did not take the same meaning from it that I had. So that pretty much convinced them that whatever had actually happened she'd been 'grooming' both of us. Just that she'd only got to Lex."

"Jesus. That's... that's fucked up," Dar remarked. "And they just sacked her? Like that?"

Shay shrugged. "Just like that. I mean, Lex was sixteen. She'd been caught. Apparently. So. I mean, I guess they decided not to press criminal charges 'cause I was never called as a witness - or maybe they did just on Lex's testimony, I dunno. I used to do a web search for her name every few months, to see if she came up on any university websites, if she still got into a PhD somewhere, y'know? But nothing." She gave a miserable sigh. "She would've been an amazing teacher."

"Wow. And that's the chick you saw the other night? No wonder you were thrown."

"Yeah, I dunno, I mean, she's all trying to apologise and I'm like... I don't even know if she should be? Like, if Anita did that, isn't it still her responsibility no matter what Lex did to 'tempt' her or whatever? And even if she did owe some sort of apology it's not to me, y'know? She didn't actually do anything to me."

"Well, in fairness you said this was the reason you broke down and never went to college."

"Sure, sure, but I mean, the whole feud with Lex, the crap that went on between us, that was as much my fault as hers. I started those rumours - let them start, whatever. I made her life a misery." Shay sighed. "D'you know the worst part? At the time - hell, years later - more than anything I wished that it could've at least been me. Like, if Anita was gonna do that, why couldn't it've been me? I know that was part of the point, part of Lex's reason, but... I mean, how can I really hate her when I would've given anything right then to have been in her shoes? How fucked-up is that?"

"Yeah, I dunno. We all do weird things for our first crushes. Albeit this is a much more fucked-up situation than most, but..." Dar shrugged. "It's too bad you can't find her. D'you think this Lex woman has?"

"Found Anita, you mean? God... I have no idea. I never got to speak to either of them after - I tried to get in touch with Lex but nothing ever came back from her. Probably just as well."

"Yeah, I guess so..."

"I guess I've always felt like... I dunno, as much as I don't know what actually happened, there's just no story that would make me feel better about it. So what's the point? Right?"

"Sure. I mean, right."

"Only y'know. I had to have you come over to stop me marching straight to the Sheraton and demanding that Lex tell me what the fuck. So. There's that."

"Why didn't you go over there? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?"

"I kill her and stuff her down a laundry chute? Kidding, kidding. I dunno. I guess I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. You know she's an up-and-coming author? Like, bestseller movie rights kind of up-and-coming? Alexandra Holloway? I hadn't heard of her, but-"

"Ohmygod, she's the Alexandra Holloway? I love [Book Name]!"

Shay sat back and rolled her eyes. "Of course you do."

"What, haven't you read it? It's soooo good. I mean." Dar looked guilty. "It's okay."

"It's okay," Shay said, shaking her head. "I mean, it figures that she's good. At least one of the three of us had a future, y'know?"

"That's so sad..."

"Mm."

"So... that's it? You're just going to move on?"

"Well, what else am I supposed to do?"

"I dunno... seek closure? Is that what all the self-help gurus always say?"

"How? I can't think of anything Lex could say that would make any difference to this."

Dar shrugged. "No clue."

"So basically I should what, just show up and punch her? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that's how it'd go."

"Would it make you feel better? 'Cause if so... yeah!"

"I think it would make me feel a night in jail. 'Crazy waitress assaults up-and-coming author'."

"Mm, too bad. Sounds like she probably deserves it. A little just desserts."

"Mm." Shay frowned into the neck of her... fourth? Fifth? ...beer, and gave another expansive sigh. "You really think I should go see her?"

"I dunno. I would, but then I have basically no self-control, so. You're made of stronger stuff."

"Yeah."

 

"I'm here to see Ms Holloway."

"Is she expecting you?"

"She's, er. Yes, yes, she, um, should be. Sorry, I know it's late..."

The concierge smiled pleasantly at her. "I'll call up. May I ask your name?"

"Shay. Um. Weller."

"Very well, Ms Weller. If you'd like to take a seat?"

"...Sure."

Shay sat fidgeting on one of the plush sofas in the lobby for several minutes; though it was late there was still a fairly steady stream of people in and out of the building. She was so distracted watching them that she jumped when the shadow fell over her. "Shayla. Hi."

She jumped, then looked up guiltily. "Um. Hey."

Lex - Alex - looked down at her with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation. "Should we go to the bar?"

"Sure, I guess that works." Shay stood, swaying just slightly as she followed the other woman through the lobby and into the private guests' bar. Lex chose a small table, indicating that Shay should sit.

"What would you like?"

"Uh, just water, actually. Thanks."

Lex raised her eyebrows but nodded, heading to the bar and returning a minute later with a glass of water and one of white wine, which she sipped at nervously once she had sat down. "So... I suppose you changed your mind about not having anything to say to me. Which. Is fine. Totally fine."

"I didn't. I mean. I just. I think I need to ask you something."

"Right. Well... shoot."

"What actually happened? That night. No one ever told me. I mean, not in any detail."

"Oh. Well. Right." Lex took a deep breath, and then another sip of her wine. "After we had our... fight in the room, I left and just sort of... wandered the halls. I wanted to be anywhere but there, you know? And I ran into Anita - or she ran into me, I guess, she had been looking for me. And I guess I was pretty emotional, because when she asked if I wanted to talk I started to cry, and so she took me into one of the rec rooms and comforted me..."

 

"D'you want to talk about it?" Anita's brow was furrowed in concern as she pulled her chair up opposite Lex's. "It's okay if not, obviously. Just... I'm here if you need me."

"I just..." Lex tried to hold back the tears, which seem to continue unabated down her cheeks regardless. "I hate it here! Everybody is so horrible, and I just wish I was home..."

"Is there any reason you can't go? Would that be difficult? Maybe I could talk to the Dean, we could figure out a weekend visit at least..."

"No, my dad doesn't want me there, he won't let me come home..."

"Oh, sweetie..." The tutor's brow furrowed in sympathy. "D'you think one of us calling and speaking to him would help?"

"I don't know," Lex sobbed, shaking her head. "I just... I just... I don't know what to do!"

"Hey, hey..." Anita's hand closed round hers and after a moment she shifted from her chair onto the couch beside Lex, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "It's going to be okay, okay? I know it probably doesn't feel that way, but it'll be okay."

Lex shook her head, turning to bury her face in the other woman's shoulder. She wrapped her arms around her, holding onto her tightly as she struggled to get her tears under control. Anita just held her in silence, hand smoothing gently up and down her back as they sat. Eventually the girl pulled back a little, reaching up to wipe her cheeks with the palm of her hand.

"'m'sorry," she murmured, her voice still thick. "I know I'm just a stupid kid..."

"Hey, no," Anita said, shaking her head. "You are the second person to say that to me today. You're not stupid, okay? And you're not really a kid either. You guys need to understand that us supposed grown-ups? We're still making the exact same mistakes you do. 'Kay?" She gave Lex's arm a squeeze.

Lex nodded slowly, meeting Anita's eyes. "Thanks. But I can't believe you've ever done anything so stupid..."

Anita chuckled, and shook her head. "Don't bet on it. Besides, anything so stupid as what? From what little I know it doesn't sound like you've done anything to deserve what you're going through right now, not to this extent."

"No, but I... I was kind of a bitch to Shay, and if I had just been nicer she wouldn't have turned everyone against me."

"That doesn't make what she did okay. You know she knows she did the wrong thing, right? I found her in just this state earlier today."

Lex's lips turned into a frown. "I don't really care if she feels bad - I've felt miserable for weeks and she didn't care at all! She just made it worse."

"That's totally understandable," Anita said with a shake of her head. "I wasn't defending her. I just mean... you can't blame yourself for this, okay? Being a bit mean to someone doesn't justify them visiting this sort of misery on you."

"What would you do?" Lex asked then, licking her lips and tasting salt. "If you were me."

"I don't know," Anita confessed. "I really don't know. I think I would be very upset, and very angry, just like you are now. And like anyone I tend to do stupid stuff when I'm angry. I guess I would take comfort where I could, and try to soldier on through. I'm here for you, okay?"

"Yeah... thanks. You're... you're like the best thing about this place, you know?"

"Me?" Anita tipped her head to the side, a tiny smile falling across her lips in spite of the otherwise unhappy circumstances. "I'm touched," she said. "And glad. That this place at least has a 'best thing' that is."

Lex gave a nod of acknowledgement, leaning in impulsively a moment later to lay her head on the other woman's shoulder again, her arms briefly tightening around her. Anita gave a slight intake of breath in her surprise, but returned the hug readily. Several seconds passed and then Lex surprised even herself by tipping her head in order to press her lips to the older woman's neck, her heart pounding in her throat.

"Hey, hey..." Anita's voice was still kind as she pulled back, and soft, though her expression was concerned once more, and she shook her head. "That's... I'm sorry, Lex." But Lex didn't miss the tutor's gaze flickering briefly - just for a moment - down to her lips and back.

"I'm sorry," Lex said, blinking rapidly as her eyes filled up with tears. "I just... you're so gorgeous, and nice, and smart, and I know I should be concentrating on soldiering on or whatever, but all I can think about is how nice you smell, and how ever since I met you how much I've wanted to kiss you, just once..."

"I, um. It's really flattering, Lex, and you're really pretty. But I'm sure you know I can't." Impulsively, Anita did lean forward to press a brief, light kiss to Lex's cheek. The younger girl was almost resigned to letting it pass when she was seized by some strange compulsion and turned, seeking out Anita's lips with her own in a clumsy but passionate kiss. Anita made a tiny sound of surprise, hands gripping Lex's upper arms as if to push her away, but her body seemed to respond anyway, her lips parting against Lex's, and it was a long moment before she did pull back, already shaking her head again.

"That's enough," she murmured. "Please, Lex..."

"Please," the girl echoed desperately, leaning in again to kiss the other woman once more, and she felt Anita's hands grip her arms and she knew that this time she was going to pull away, her resolve finally hardening.

But it was already too late.

 

"I guess Dan was doing late-night rounds, or whatever, and he walked in on us, and saw what he saw... it didn't take him long to get the dean in and report us."

"Right." Shay slumped back in her seat with a sigh. She felt... utterly drained. She'd spend years after the event wondering what had really happened - had the two young women been having an affair the whole summer? Had Anita made a move on Lex? In what state had they been caught? The truth was... well, it didn't exactly exonerate anyone, but... "I don't get it, though, I mean, didn't you tell them what had actually happened? When they spoke to me they'd obviously formed this whole picture of her as this predator - I mean, as much as it was a stupid thing to do and needed a response I guess, but the way they went on..."

"I... I told them about you and her - that you had been going to her room at night, that you had those drawings in your sketchpad..." Lex chewed her lip guiltily. "I wanted to get you back... I didn't think it through that it would make things worse for her. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut, I never meant for her to get fired."

Shay nodded slowly. "Right." A pause. "So you did fuck her over, then."

"Yeah," the other woman said, rather miserably. "Yeah, I did."

"Right." Shay's demeanour was still calm - it was as if she couldn't muster the energy to be really angry, as cold as her tone was. "I can't believe you thought that would come back on me rather than her."

"Yeah, I know, it was moronic, and stupid, and completely horrible. I was such an idiot."

"Do you know what happened to her? I mean, I assume there were no criminal proceedings..."

"No, no, I mean, my father was pissed but I convinced him not to do anything, I think she just... got let go and then dropped out of school. At least, she wasn't there when I tried to contact her a couple years later. I, um... I did manage to get hold of an email address but I've never been able to bring myself to use it."

"Really? How old is it? The address I mean. People change their emails..."

"A couple years, I guess? You're right that it might not even be current."

"How did you get it? D'you know where she lives now, or works?" A tiny chink of light began to appear. Maybe if she could speak to Anita, if she could see her again, maybe that would be some kind of resolution?

"I talked to a friend, someone who knew her from college. They said she moved... upstate, I think, and got a job at a newspaper or something."

"Huh. Weird that she's never come up when I've searched for her, did she change her name?"

"I think so? At least, her email's got another last name attached, so..."

"Huh. Could I have it?"

Lex chewed on her lip for a second before nodding. "Yeah, okay. Do you have something to write on?"

Shay lifted her arms in an 'I've got nothing' gesture - she hadn't even brought a bag with her, just grabbed her jacket, wallet and housekeys and left.

"Right, okay, one second..." Lex stood and went to the bar, returning a moment later with a cocktail napkin, upon which she had scribbled an email address. "Here. Um. If you do get in touch... no, nevermind."

"Okay." After a pause, Shay added a, "Thanks." Then she stood, smoothing her jeans in a rather deliberate fashion, her movements still a little on the careful side.

Lex watched her, her expression still tight, wary, as if she was expecting Shay to start yelling at any moment. "Well. Good bye, I guess."

"Yeh." Shay couldn't feel her face. She was pretty sure it was some sort of delayed shock, though it could've been the alcohol. She stuffed the napkin in her pocket. "See you." She stared at Lex for a long moment, and seemed to be about to say something else, but then she thought better of it and turned to leave.

"Shay?"

The other woman turned back with a weary look in Lex's direction. "Yep?"

"Tell her I'm sorry. Please."

Shay's expression hardened. "Tell her yourself," she said, turning away again.

 

"So? Have you written it yet?"

Shay made a face. "Not yet. I dunno. I feel like... what would I say, y'know? I know where she is now though, like, her paper came up with her new name and I dunno, I sort of want to go up and see her. Only... is that, like, super-creepy? Waiting for someone outside their work who you haven't seen in almost a decade? Especially someone who you think might've totally screwed you over."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess I'd probably preface it with an email... except that might be awkward, explaining how you found her and stuff. Shit," Dar said, shaking her head. "I dunno."

"Yep."

"Maybe you could like, go up there and just 'happen' to meet her? Like pretend you didn't know she was there?"

"I'm not gonna lie to her."

"Right, so... email it is, then."

"Yeah, but what if she just doesn't reply? What do I do?"

"Accept it and move on? Or try to, anyway."

"Mm. I guess."

 

The email popped up from 's.weller@gmail.com', and Anita clicked on it without a second thought - she often got emails from people she didn't know to her work address pitching stories or asking questions or for coverage of an event.

 

Dear Anita,

I know it's been a very long time, but I think you'll probably remember me from Summer School 2005.

I've often wondered how you were, but haven't been table to track you down before now.

I'll understand if you don't want to communicate with me, but if you were able, I'd really like to know how things are going for you. We obviously wouldn't need to talk about what happened unless you wanted to.

There's loads of stuff I want to say, but I'm going to end this email here because I don't want to push anything on you that you don't want to hear.

I hope you'll respond, even if it's just to say you don't want to talk to me. I'll totally understand and respect that.

-Shay

 

Shay was next to useless at work following the email to Anita - no matter how much she tried she could barely concentrate on remembering orders or helping with prep it seemed her thoughts were always elsewhere. Worse still, she'd given the other woman her phone number and address too, so every time her phone buzzed in her pocket, whether for an email or a text, her pulse began to race, and stayed that way 'til she'd had the chance to check it.

Three days after she had sent the email she woke to find a reply from Anita waiting in her inbox. Her hands shook slightly as she opened it.

 

Shay,

Of course I do remember you from Summer School. Ever since then I have been looking out for your graphic novels but haven't been lucky enough to find any yet.

I'm doing fine, thank you for asking. My job keeps me pretty busy most of the time and occasionally I get to travel, which is nice.

I'd like to hear how you are doing, when you have a chance to reply. Are you still writing and drawing? I hope you are. You had so much talent.

Sorry for the shortness of my reply - writing for a newspaper has ruined me for anything longform.

Best,

Anita

 

Shayla read the email over several times, trying to see any hidden meanings, anything between the lines regarding Anita's feelings about that time, her feelings toward Shay and any possible part she'd played in her firing. She couldn't find any. Still, she immediately typed up a reply.

 

Anita,

I'm glad you're doing well. If you're ever in [City] I'd love to meet and catch up.

I'm getting by okay. I didn't really go down the graphic novel road in the end; it's been a while since I've written or drawn anything.

Shay stared at the screen. What else could she say? Suddenly getting back in touch with Anita now, when she was scraping by as a waiter, a failure in almost every sense of the word, seemed like a terrible idea. Nobody wanted to hear about other people's misfortune - particularly not if their own lives haven't gone to plan. No one decent anyway.

It's good to be in touch. Are you on Facebook? We could hook up there if you were amenable. I'm the only one with my name in [City].

-Shay

 

And then, of course, came more waiting, and Shay couldn't decide if it was better or worse than before. On the one hand, Anita hadn't ignored her - but on the other, she hadn't exactly seemed excited to have heard from her. That wasn't very fair, of course, but the more Shay dwelled on it the more she couldn't shake the feeling that once again this was going to be a matter of her obsessing from afar over a woman who viewed her at best with a sort of detached and distant warmth.

 

Hi, Shay, is this you?

 

Shay stared at the message a moment in surprise. She almost wouldn't have seen it but for the fact she was already chatting with someone else - it had gone into the dreaded 'other' folder reserved for spammers and strangers. But it had just appeared right at that moment, and that meant that Anita was sitting right now at her computer, and had typed those words only a moment before.

 

Shay: Yep!
Shay: Hi! How's it going?
Anita: Hope I'm doing this right. Didn't have a Facebook account until about five minutes ago. Still learning the ropes.

 

Shay blinked at the screen. Had Anita signed up for Facebook just to talk to her?

 

Shay: You're doing well so far then! Hang on, I'll send you a friend request.
Anita: Okay, let's see how this goes.

 

A moment later Anita had apparently accepted her request and Shay was able to see her profile - indeed it was very bare bones, with just her city and place of work marked on it, not even a profile picture.

 

Shay: Victory!
Shay: So. Um. You a night owl these days then?
Anita: I try to use my evenings for non-work-related writing. With varying degrees of success. But I'm usually up late, yes.
Anita: How about you? I'm not keeping you up, am I?
Shay: Nah, I'm always up nights - I have an evening job.
Anita: I see. Well I was lucky to catch you, then.
Shay: Got in about half an hour ago. Which actually isn't bad for a Friday.
Anita: Cool.
Shay: So... is that what you're up to just now, writing?
Anita: Currently wrestling with Facebook, but before I was writing. Or trying to at least.
Shay: Oh, actually there are some good guides for starting privacy settings, lemme find you one.
Shay: [URL] Try just going through this. It'll help you lock down a bunch of stuff you didn't even know you were sharing. Facebook is basically the worst :-(
Anita: So I had heard, hence the avoidance. I'll try and lock down as tightly as I can.
Shay: There's a function to view it as different security levels - non-friend, acquaintance, whatever - somewhere. That should help.
Shay: So what're you working on? Writing-wise I mean.
Anita: Oh, just a... something. Story, novel, who knows. It'll most likely end up locked in a drawer like all the others anyhow.
Shay: :-(
Anita: I see you've found a way to combine graphics and text. Very clever.
Anita: But don't be sad. It's okay - I never intended to be an author, writing is just something I do because I enjoy it. Well, most of the time.

 

Shay stomach twisted with a sudden stab of sympathy. Anita had never wanted to be a journalist, either.

 

Shay: So what else do you do? Any other hobbies?
Anita: Sure, but you'll probably laugh.
Shay: I promise not to laugh.
Anita: Well, I referee for a local roller derby team.
Shay: I didn't laugh.
Shay: I might've smiled a little.
Shay: Okay, a lot.
Anita: How do I do it...
Anita: Oh yeah.
Anita: :-(
Shay: ?
Anita: You laughed. I know you did.
Shay: I definitely didn't laugh.
Shay: I've never been to a roller derby. Have a friend who keeps trying to make me go but I've never been able to make the nights it's on yet. Not many evenings off in the heady world of table-waiting.
Anita: Well, I might be biased, but you should definitely go. It's a great time, and everybody's really welcoming and nice.
Shay: I'll try to make a point of it. So referee-ing huh? Never wanted to get your skates on and join the fray?
Anita: Oh I wear skates. But I'm way too fragile to scrimmage, they'd break me in half.
Shay: Fair enough.
Shay: I'm afraid I have no such exciting passtimes. My hobbies are films and the internet.
Shay: Oh and booze.
Anita: Can booze really be a hobby?
Anita: Can the internet, for that matter?
Shay: Oh, how much you have to learn...
Anita: That sounds like a slippery slope. Where's that log out button...
Shay: Oh, you can't log out. You're jacked in now.
Anita: Okay, well in that case better hand over the red pill.
Shay: heh
Anita: Actually I really should get back to work. Need to finish this bit before a busy weekend starts.

 

Shay's heart sank a little.

 

Shay: Kk, no problem. Catch me any time.
Anita: We'll see. Don't want this to become a bad habit.
Anita: It's been good talking to you.
Anita: Have a good night, Shay.
Shay: night

 

Shay sat back with a sigh as she saw Anita's green dot turn off. Was she being let down gently again? 'We'll see' and 'Don't want this to become a bad habit' didn't exactly inspire confidence that they would have any sort of friendship, for all that Anita appeared to have joined Facebook just to talk to her.

 

The next day dragged; Dar quizzed Shay all about her contact with Anita, waxing enthusiastic over what had passed so far even as Shay tried to downplay it - more for her own benefit than anything else. It was with a heavy heart that she returned home late that evening, though it was soon lifted as she pulled up Facebook and saw the red notification flag waiting for her.

Anita: So you're going to have to catch me up on all this internet lingo. I know all the standards, but what in the world is smh?

Shay found herself grinning - and 'smh'-ing - at the screen, and after checking that Anita was appearing online she fetched herself a beer before settling down in bed with her laptop.

 

Shay: That would be either 'shake my head' or 'shaking my head' depending on your grammatical context.
Anita: I suppose is would be very 'old' of me to smh at the fact that people apparently are too lazy to type out an additional ten characters, wouldn't it?
Shay: ...
Shay: You are literally, what, three, four years older than me. I am smh so hard right now. Also omg.
Anita: See that one I know.
Anita: LOL
Anita: (Not really.)
Shay: Yeah, what you wanted there was *dry smirk*
Anita: Oh, we can use asterisks, can we? *raised eyebrow* *also shaking head*
Shay: Okay now you're getting carried away...
Anita: *head rotates 360 degrees* *spews pea soup*
Anita: I don't know what you're talking about.
Shay: Did you just mix up Carrie and The Exorcist?
Shay: Because that's adorable.
Shay: LOL
Shay: (yes really)
Anita: Let's not get bogged down in semantics here.
Anita: (I hear that can happen on the internet.)
Shay: You've done this before.
Shay: But seriously though, I mean, Facebook ignorance aside if you're a journalist you must've been on the net plenty, right? I mean you're messing with me a little, yeah?
Anita: Maybe a little. Don't hate me.
Shay: I could never hate you.

 

Shay stared at the screen, and though the 'seen' text had appeared, Anita hadn't said anything. Pulse picking up a little, she hesitated, then typed:

 

Shay: Honestly I half thought you might hate me. Before this I mean.
Anita: Oh, Shay. Of course I didn't hate you.
Shay: Okay. I mean. I didn't want to say anything, 'cause obvs it's not about me. I just don't know if you think I was involved in what happened.
Anita: I don't know. I mean, I never heard anything one way or another so I guess I assumed you weren't, not directly.
Shay: Right. I mean, okay. I guess I'm glad about that though obviously it doesn't really change anything for you.
Anita: The past is in the past.
Anita: That isn't to say that I absolve myself of responsibility.
Anita: I don't.
Anita: What I did was wrong. I know that.

 

Shay gave a long sigh, staring at the screen. Did she really want to talk about this? Would doing so without mentioning her meeting with Lex be dishonest?

 

Shay: I wasn't there. I really can't comment.
Shay: I know that I trusted you and for my own part just told the truth.
Anita: Right.
Anita: Shay, I don't know what to say. I feel like I owe you an explanation.
Shay: You don't owe me anything.
Shay: I just feel really bad because I know that my sketchbook and the story you gave me made it worse.
Shay: And because Lex being mad at me made her make it worse. And that was totally my fault.
Anita: Well, I can't speak for the other things, but the story was on me. And I can't say that what they read into it was completely wrong.

 

Shay's heart fluttered a little in spite of herself.

 

Shay: They were wrong that you would ever have taken advantage or behaved inappropriately. The stuff they said was totally bullshit. They talked like you were a danger to children, it was sick - way sicker than what you did.
Anita: So you heard about that?
Anita: Christ.
Anita: I guess word travels fast.
Shay: Fast? It was nine years ago.
Anita: I just meant at the time.
Anita: Unless people are still talking about it.
Anita: :-(
Shay: You're getting the hang of that whole emoticon thing I see.
Shay: Dan went to your room that night and found me outside waiting for you - you didn't know that?
Shay: They grilled me that night and they took my books, and when I said you'd never do the stuff they were insinuating they said you'd been caught.
Shay: You didn't know I knew?
Anita: They booted me out pretty fast. I waited for the hammer to fall but it never did.
Anita: You were at my room?
Shay: Lex hadn't come back so I went to look for her, and when I couldn't find her I went to look for you for help.
Shay: And when you weren't there I figured you guys were probably together so...
Shay: I waited.
Anita: Oh.
Anita: I'm sorry, Shay.
Anita: I didn't mean to disappoint you.
Shay: Hey, I mean.
Shay: You were with Lex, so... that's good at least, right?
Anita: Not really, in the end.
Shay: Yeah. Well.
Shay: It's no big deal.
Shay: I mean obviously I know it must've been for you, but you don't owe me anything - no explanations, no apologies. What happened was between you guys and I know that Lex was partly acting on her anger at me, and because of how I felt about you, but I guess it takes two. So. It is what it is.
Anita: Okay.
Anita: I mean I don't know what all this means.
Anita: Christ.
Anita: What's the thing when you need to go away from the computer?
Shay: Well, there's 'afk' for 'away from keyboard'. And 'brb' for 'be right back'. And 'biab' for 'back in a bit'.
Shay: If you will, I mean.
Shay: Be back.
Shay: Sorry, I fucked this up a bit. I didn't mean to get all serious.
Anita: It's okay.
Anita: biab
Shay: k

 

Shay sat back, lifting her hands to run them through her hair before reaching for her near-empty beer. "Fuck..."

It was nearly twenty minutes before she saw the 'typing' notification again.

 

Anita: Sorry, I'm back.
Anita: I didn't mean to run away. I just needed a moment to think.
Shay: That's totally cool.
Shay: We don't have to revisit all that, honestly. I'm really glad to be talking to you again after all this time and I don't want to do anything that makes that difficult for you.

Anita: It's okay, it was bound to come up.
Anita: I'm really glad to be talking to you again though, regardless.
Shay: I am too. I really have thought about you a lot - especially in the first few years but since then too.

 

Shay took a deep breath and exhaled again.

 

Shay: So I wasn't going to say but I feel like I'm basically lying by omission if I don't say that I saw Lex recently.
Anita: Oh. I mean, I did wonder.
Anita: That's cool.
Shay: She was in town and we ran into one another completely randomly. It was her that gave me your email. She also told me what happened. I mean, the bits I didn't know.
Anita: Okay.
Shay: She also asked me to tell you she was sorry. I told her to tell you herself. But if it means anything she did seem pretty genuinely cut-up.
Shay: Which, I mean. I'm not making excuses for her.
Anita: It's okay. We were young.
Shay: *nods* All of us.
Anita: Yeah.
Anita: I mean, not to excuse anything I did. I'm not trying to get out of stuff.
Anita: But you guys shouldn't feel bad. Especially you.
Shay: I do feel bad about what I did to Lex. I guess because I knew at the time it was the wrong thing to do. And I feel bad because when she told me what actually happened and what she told them, I just... I had meant to apologise to her. And I couldn't. I couldn't apologise to her after that, even though it was so long ago.
Shay: I mean. You would've been an amazing teacher.
Shay: You WERE an amazing teacher.
Shay: Sorry.
Anita: Thanks for saying that.
Anita: But it's okay. I've moved on.
Shay: Okay. And I guess that's good. I mean, that is good.
Shay: So did you know she's, like, semi-famous?
Anita: Yeah, I've seen the articles.
Anita: I work in media, remember?
Shay: Right, yeah. Of course.
Shay: Shit, sorry, I really didn't mean to bring any of this up.
Shay: I mean, I knew we'd need to talk about it eventually.
Shay: Or taht I would anyway.
Shay: *that
Shay: But I had meant to hold off 'til we got the chance to talk in person. Or at least on the phone.
Shay: I mean, assuming we ever did.
Anita: Maybe we should.
Anita: I mean, I had hoped we would.
Anita: But I guess we have some stuff to talk about first.
Shay: Or I mean. Maybe we should talk about that stuff in person. Is the other option.
Shay: But not if you don't want to.
Anita: It's not that I don't want to.
Anita: You're in [city], right?
Anita: I can come down if you want. I mean, in a few weeks.
Shay: That would be really nice.
Shay: Or I mean, I could probably come up to you. I have a friend with a car I could borrow.
Anita: It's okay. I can come down.
Shay: Now I feel like I'm bullying you into meeting...
Anita: Don't feel that way. It would be good to meet up.
Shay: K. If you're sure.
Shay: God, it feels like it's been no time at all but it's actually been ages, hasn't it?
Anita: Just about nine years.
Shay: I don't even know what you look like any more.
Shay: Do you still have hipster glasses and awesome hair?
Anita: Oh, I was debating whether to put up a profile picture.
Anita: They're not hipster glasses.
Anita: There weren't even hipsters back then!
Shay: Oooh, you had hipster glasses before they were cool, you mean?
Anita: That's not what I mean.
Shay: Mhm?
Shay: :-P
Shay: I forgot about profile pics. I guess actually you know exactly what I look like these days. Or at least you know exactly what I look like blind drunk with a drawn-on moustache, judging by most of my tagged pics on fb...
Anita: Yes, I had been admiring your facial hair. It's very fetching.
Anita: There, I've uploaded one for me. No moustache, I'm afraid.

 

Shay immediately clicked to Anita's profile to look at the new photo. The other woman was wearing striped referee's shirt and holding a whistle, looking away from the camera, presumably at the action on the track. She look virtually identical to the Anita Shay had known at the summer school, with the same 'hipster glasses and awesome hair', though it seemed to be streaked with grey now, in a very attractive way.

Of course, clicking back to their chat window she wasn't sure what to say.'You look nice'? 'You're still gorgeous'? Yeah, not that.

 

Shay: So in what way are those glasses different from hipster glasses then?
Anita: Hipster glasses are worn by hipsters. I'm not a hipster. Ergo, not hipster glasses.
Shay: Ahhhh. An... interesting defence.
Shay: You haven't changed much.
Anita: You mean in my argument style or my looks? :-P
Shay: I don't remember us arguing back then.
Anita: No, I guess not.
Shay: You were pretty down-the-line professional back then.
Anita: Not professional enough.
Anita: Sorry.
Anita: Guess I'm feeling a little maudlin tonight.
Shay: That's probably my fault.
Shay: *hugs*

 

There was a long pause then, and Shay wondered if she had overstepped the mark slightly and made the other woman uncomfortable. Well. More uncomfortable.

 

Anita: Are hugs a thing now too? I think I could definitely use one.
Shay: Oh, totally. Sorry, yeah. *hugs* are a thing.
Anita: You learn something new every day.
Shay: So are you writing tonight?
Anita: As always.
Shay: Anything good?
Anita: As always, no.
Shay: I'm sure that's not true.
Shay: You should let me see.
Anita: Ohhh no. I don't need to embarrass myself twice in one night.
Shay: 'Nother night then. Cool! :-)
Anita: Hah. What about you? Writing or drawing anything?
Shay: Nah.
Shay: Haven't done that in a long time.
Anita: That's a shame.
Shay: Eh. It's another life really. I sort of imagine somewhere in another dimension there's a Shay who actually went to college and made something out of herself.
Anita: What about a quid pro quo arrangement?
Anita: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Shay: But I don't have anything.
Anita: So make something!
Anita: And when you do, I'll show you (some of) what I've got.
Shay: ...that's pretty sneaky.
Anita: What can I say, I really want to see your work.
Shay: Well, don't hold your breath. But I'll see what I can do.
Anita: I'm blue with anticipation already. :-)

 

"And have you? Written or drawn anything?"

Shay chuckled dryly, shook her head. "Nah. I've sat down a few times, but I just can't make it come, y'know? I was, uh... I was actually going to ask if you'd sit for me. I think it might help to get some practice in. On the drawing front I mean."

"Oh, wow, totally! I've always wanted to be someone's muse..."

"Don't get ahead of yourself. But I'd appreciate it. You, uh, you don't have to take your clothes off or anything."

"Good - I haven't been hitting the gym as much as I should be."

Shay grinned. "That is not a problem," she said. "And besides, you look great and you know it."

Dar preened a bit, grinning back. "So, when do you wanna do this?"

"Whenever - after work some night. Or before if you prefer. Either way."

"After's good - that way you'll get that dishevelled, 'real life' wilt."

"You massively overestimate my skills, but okay, that works."

 

Anita: So I know this is late notice, but how is this weekend if I came down?

 

Shay blinked at the screen, her mind suddenly blank.

 

Shay: Sure!
Shay: That would be really nice. I'll need to see if I can swap my shifts but I'm pretty sure I can talk Dar into it.
Anita: Okay. I mean, if you can't then I can come down some other time.
Shay: I'm totally sure it'll be fine.
Shay: Actually speaking of Dar, I got her to sit for me a couple of times the past few days. If you wanted to see.
Anita: Of course I do.
Anita: Send it over.
Anita: :-)
Shay: Kk. I'll email it over - I don't have a scanner to it's a photo but it's not bad, I got some decent lighting.
Anita: I'm sure it's great.

 

Shay clicked away to her email and hit 'send' on the email that had been waiting since they'd begun chatting. There were a handful of sketches of various sizes, a couple with some rough colour added, of Dar lounging artfully around Shay's tiny studio apartment - in the chair by the window, on the bed, perched on the kitchen counter.

 

Anita: Wow, Shay, you haven't lost it at all. These are great.
Shay: D'you think? I feel like I've lost my, Idunno, lost my identity a little.
Anita: Well, you're just getting back into the swing of things, I'm sure it might take a little while to figure out what you want to do with it, but you'll manage.
Shay: I wasn't necessarily expecting to 'do' anything with it. But thanks though.
Shay: SO. Your turn.
Anita: So you remember that. Darn.
Anita: Okay, incoming.

 

Shay watched her email anxiously; before long a reply came from Anita, with an attached document. Clicking on it, she found what looked like a chapter of a novel in progress, several hundred words that stopped abruptly - it must have been literally what she was working on right as Shay asked. It was hard to see quite where it was going or what was going on - there were obviously plot references and descriptions that Shay didn't really understand. That being said the writing itself was excellent. Though Anita had of course never intended to be a writer, Shay felt sure that she could be if she wanted.

 

Shay: This is great - how far through are you? Anita. Oh Christ. Maybe halfway, but the goalpost can always change, so I don't know for sure.
Shay: How long have you been working on it?
Anita: You really don't want to know.
Shay: :-P
Shay: So Dar just texted me back, she's good to switch shifts. Just Saturday night though, so I'll be working Friday and back at work again Sunday afternoon. I dunno if you were going to be down overnight or..?
Anita: I'll work something out.
Anita: Don't worry about changing your schedule any more, though.
Anita: That's plenty.
Shay: I have a pull-out sofabed that you'll be very welcome to use. Though my place is a studio. But I'm okay with that if you are.
Anita: Oh, I was planning on getting a hotel.
Anita: I wouldn't want to inconvenience you.
Shay: No inconvenience. But I mean, whatever works for you is fine with me.
Anita: Thanks, that's very generous.
Shay: No problem. It'll be really nice to see you.
Anita: Yeah.
Anita: Is there anything I should bring?
Anita: I mean, sorry, that's a stupid question.
Anita: Don't mind me.
Shay: *Grin*
Shay: Just yourself. Well, if you're staying over a towel would be good; I think I only have one full-size one. But other than that I can't think of anything in particular.
Anita: Okay.
Shay: So, um. Now I feel like we shouldn't talk too much in case we run out of things to say to one another at the weekend!:-S
Anita: Oh dear, what's wrong with your mouth?
Shay: It turned into an S.
Anita: How sibilant.

 

Shay was grinning, she realised, Anita's gentle, dry, slightly stiff sense of humour utterly charming and a side of her Shay hadn't got to see much of the last time they'd know one another.

 

Shay: So is there anything in particular you'd like to do while you're in town?
Anita: I don't know, what would you recommend?
Shay: Depends what you like to do. I don't off-hand know of any roller derbies...
Anita: Hah. I'm not just a roller derby fiend.
Anita: Museums, galleries, good restaurants...
Anita: Anything like that would be great.
Shay: I think we could manage a museum or gallery or two - there are a few little places I like. Can't help so much on the restaurant front - the only one I ever spend time in is the one where I work.
Anita: That's okay. I'm sure we'll figure something out.
Shay: I'm looking forward to it either way.
Anita: Me too.
Anita: I should probably go now. Time to whip this chapter into submission.
Shay: Yeah, totally, sure, see you later xx

 

"So wow, she's coming to see you, just like that?"

Shay ran her hand through her hair, pulling her hairband out with it and then retying it back in its tiny ponytail. "Looks like," she said as she hunted for a clean apron.

"Wow, how exciting!" Dar grinned, leaning in to check her makeup in the tiny mirror. "Are you excited? You must be, seeing her again after all this time..."

"Yeah? I mean, I think so? I don't really know how to feel."

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno. Okay, so, it's like... okay, in another timeline, okay-"

"Shaa-aay..."

"No no, stick with me, in another timeline, Lex never ran into Anita that night, and Anita and me both stayed at the summer school. And we worked together, and then stayed in touch after, and she became a teacher and I went to college. And maybe we stayed friends, or maybe in like, one of the timelines, we even got together when Idunno, when we were both in our twenties. But either way we knew one another, y'know? Like maybe it's just in my head and not in hers but back then I really felt like I'd met someone I was going to know for the rest of my life, one way or another. And then..." Shay turned, having finished tying her apron, and snapped her fingers. "Just like that, that timeline is gone. But when we talk now, it feels like... I dunno, like it's seeping through the gaps. I feel so close to her. And so far away at the same time. I really don't know how to parse that. Like, I don't know how I'm going to want to behave around her. We're basically strangers. And then again, we're not, or at least, it feels like we weren't meant to be. Does that make any sense?"

"So basically you still like her."

"Jesus, have you been paying any attention? Of course I do."

Dar grinned sunnily. "Well, she's coming to see you. So you can work on not being strangers... and, y'know, not being strangers," she added, smirking.

Shay frowned. "I dunno about that," she said. "I mean isn't that kind of... weird? After everything that happened back then?"

"I dunno... I mean, not really."

Shay raised her eyebrows. "Well, she might think it's weird anyway."

"D'you think so? I guess you'll have to wait and see, then."

"Mm. I guess. C'mon, Paul will roast us if he finds us in here chatting."

 

Shay turned around to check her apartment for the hundredth time, though she already knew it was spotless. At least it kept her from anxiously looking out the window, which she had also been doing almost non-stop all morning.

Anita had opted to stay in a hotel in the end, but had said she would find her way to Shay's apartment when she got into town - by car, apparently, which at least meant she wouldn't have to navigate [city]'s temperamental public transport system. Shay was both disappointed and relieved the other woman wasn't going to be staying with her... she didn't really need that pressure on top of everything else.

Eventually the knock came at the door and she jumped up to open it, finding a smiling Anita on the other side, a bouquet of flowers in her hands. "Hey."

"Uh." Shay blinked, then grinned, and stepped back from the door to let Anita in. "Hey yourself."

"These are for you," the other woman said, somewhat unnecessarily, handing over the flowers. "I was going to get you a bottle of wine, but I didn't know what you liked, so I thought... I hope you're not allergic or anything."

"I'm not," Shay said with a grin. "And thanks, they're lovely! I'll just get these in some water, c'mon in..."

"I like your place," Anita said, glancing around. "And the location is great, right by the river. That must be nice."

"Mm, we'll see if you say that when there are drunks roaring past at two in the morning, but yeah, it's not bad," Shay said with a grin. "Go on and sit down, I'll be with you in a minute - can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? I have some diet coke..."

"Just water's fine, thanks."

Soon they were sitting down opposite one another, Anita perched on the couch and Shay in a chair, with glasses of water and coke respectively.

"So how was the drive down?"

"Oh, it wasn't bad. Traffic was pretty quiet so I pretty much flew most of the way."

"D'you like driving?"

Anita shrugged. "I don't mind it, though it's mainly, you know, just to get me where I'm going."

Shay nodded. "I can't stand it - I like being able to do stuff while I'm travelling. But I don't have a car anyway, so."

"Well. That solves that problem, then."

"Pretty much," Shay said with a shrug. "Means I don't get out of the city much though which is kind of a shame I guess."

"Well, you said you have a friend with a car. You could always borrow that."

"Yeah, in theory. Eh, it's no big deal; I'm always working anyway. So you said you get to travel some with work, right?"

"Oh, yeah, just for meetings and things... nothing fun."

"D'you ever get to do any sight-seeing?"

Anita nodded. "Sometimes. I try and get to places early so I'll have a bit of time to look around, you know, see the sights."

"Cool. And what about this weekend? Did you turn out to have work to do here?"

"Hm? Oh, no, my time is my own."

"'Kay. Well... I guess we have an hour or so before it's lunch time. There anything in particular you'd like to do? Have you checked into your hotel yet?"

"Mmhmm, I'm all set. Maybe we could just... go for a walk? You could show me around?"

"Sure, let's do that."

 

They left a few minutes later, heading out towards the river, since Anita had mentioned it and Shay wanted to impress her. The other woman was warm but polite, asking questions about Shay's life and the time she had spent in the city. Shay answered anything recent and avoided anything from more than a few years back - somehow, her first few years out of high school felt too strongly connected to what had happened in that last summer to talk about without talking about other stuff first - whatever that 'stuff' turned out to be.

As lunchtime rolled around Shay suggested they grab a bite before heading to the museum, so they stopped off at a sandwich place she knew that was at least a couple steps up from Subway - not that Anita seemed all that picky, constantly insisting that whatever Shay wanted to do was fine with her.

Over lunch they talked about what foods they liked, which was a safe enough topic and fortunately one about which Shay could talk extensively - though she couldn't afford to eat out very often, decent food now and then was one of the perks of working in a restaurant. It seemed Anita had done a very brief stint as a restaurant reviewer while at the paper, so the two women traded stories as they ate and on the way to the museum.

The museum itself again did an admirable job of filling any risk of silence between them - though it was not a large museum the collection was well-chosen and well-annotated, and they spent several happy hours wandering from hall to hall, sometimes silently surveying the exhibits, sometimes talking about what they saw or sharing stories a given item brought to mind. It was, quite frankly, a wonderful way to pass the afternoon and the ease with which they talked - or didn't talk - only served to reinforce the strange feeling Shay had that she and Anita knew each other. She wondered if the other woman felt the same way, for she caught her looking pensive from time to time, though she always smiled and changed the topic when Shay asked what was on her mind.

After the museum, they walked back through town toward Anita's hotel. She had insisted that she take them out for dinner somewhere - her treat - and Shay had after some deliberation settled on somewhere within an easy walk of the hotel that was affordable but of decent quality.

"So, this has been really nice," Anita remarked as they made their way towards the restaurant.

"Yeah," Shay said with a nod, smiling sidelong at the other woman. It been nice - periodically awkward, but nice nevertheless.

"[City] is really great - I don't get down here nearly enough."

"Well, maybe you'll make it down more often now," Shay ventured, eyes ahead now.

"Mmhmm. Oh hey, look, a busker - do you have a lot of those here?"

"Huh? Oh, a few around here, year - depends on the time of year and what part of town you're in."

"Right."

"D'you like live music, then? I mean, like, generally?"

"Mm, yeah, definitely. How about you?"

"I don't get to much. But, I mean, I like it in principle - I've enjoyed the gigs I've been to."

"Where I live there's a pretty good live music scene. Helps not to have to drive out to some big stadium just to hear a band you like."

"Yeah, I could see that - I think there are smaller venues around here too, but I'm not really on that 'scene', y'know?"

Anita glanced at Shay, looking as if she was going to say something, but just then they arrived at the restaurant and were distracted by the necessities of finding their table and taking off their coats and getting settled.

Once they were seated in their little nook and sipping their glasses of water, a silence fell. What now?

"So... Well. It's really good to see you, Shay."

Shay managed a bashful smile at this. "You too," she said with some feeling.

"I'm sorry I never got in touch. I never really knew what you knew, and what you thought about what happened, but I didn't want to intrude if you just wanted to forget me and move on."

Shay felt that pulse-skip again at Anita's phrasing. 'Forget me and move on'... Implying that she felt there was something to forget at least? Shay hesitated. "I did try to find you," she said. "But you basically disappeared. And, well, the web wasn't quite as helpful then as it is now, either."

"I know. But I'm glad you eventually succeeded." Anita smiled over her glass of water.

"Me too. Um." Shay felt a tiny blush rise in her cheeks, and another long silence stretched out in which a server came to their table to ask if they wanted drinks. At Shay's silent assent Anita ordered them a bottle of wine, and they were left alone again. Eventually, Shay broke the silence once more, her words tumbling out a little haphazardly. "This is weird, right? I mean, I feel like I... not like I know you, but like I was meant to know you and never got the chance, I dunno, do you feel that? It is weird? Or am I just making it weird by behaving weirdly..."

Anita gave a low chuckle, though it was warm, not mocking. "It's a bit weird, yeah," she agreed. "I think if stuff hadn't happened the way it did we might've kept in touch, and become friends. It's a shame we didn't get to do that back then, but at least we're getting a chance now."

Friends. Well, that's probably sensible anyway. Still, unbidden a fragment of earlier conversation came to her from when they'd first spoken. The story was on me. And I can't say that what they read into it was completely wrong. "Um, yeah," was all Shay said.

"If you want to, that is," Anita said after a moment. "Obviously if this is just a 'putting things behind us' meeting we can do that too and move on. Whatever works for you."

"No, no. I mean, I don't want to. Put things behind us. I do want to stay in touch," Shay said with a definitive nod.

"Okay, great. Then I guess signing up for Facebook wasn't a complete waste," the other woman said, grinning.

"Provided I don't turn out to be way too boring anyway," Shay said. "I don't exactly live the glamorous life of the journalist..."

"Hah. Local journalist, it's really not glamorous."

"Aw, but think of all those fairs and store openings and cats up trees you get to visit!"

"You're closer to the mark than you might think..."

"Well, you'll have to tell me all about it over dinner," Shay said, finally picking up and perusing her menu, though she'd already checked it out online and more or less knew what she wanted.

"All right, but don't order the soup, I don't want you drowning when you drop face-down in it out of boredom."

 

In actuality, Anita's job might not have been a jet-setting fabulous lifestyle, but it was interesting, and with Shay's questions about this and that the discussion took them all through their starter and part-way into their main course. Anita then asked about Shay's work, and though she was still slightly ashamed at how little she had achieved work-wise - and otherwise - she couldn't help but answer her genuine interest with increasingly more in depth responses, talking about the culture of restaurant work, about the people there, about the challenges, small though they were, and Anita seemed interested by it all.

"They're a great bunch of people, too," Shay said. "So I mean, there's that too. It'd be a lot harder going if I didn't like my coworkers."

"That does make a big difference," Anita agreed, nodding. "They sound really nice, I'm glad."

"Yeah - you should meet Dar, actually. I mean, I don't think we'll get a chance this time. But maybe another time."

"Right, she's the one that sat for those drawings, isn't she? She's very pretty."

"God, yes, she's gorgeous. She was all 'Oh, I haven't been to the gym in ages' and I was just..." Shay shook her head, grinning ruefully.

"Have you done any more sketching lately?" Anita asked quickly then, her expression somewhat funny.

"None," Shay said. "I just did that to give you your pound of flesh."

"Oh." Anita blinked. "Sorry, I didn't mean to force you into it. I'll quit bugging you."

"What, oh, no... no, that's not what I meant. It was really good to do it again. I'll definitely try to keep sketching. Honestly I owe you one."

"You don't owe me anything," Anita said, shaking her head.

"You know what I mean."

"Well, you know if you ever want anybody to bounce things off of, I'm here."

"Or there, as the case may be," Shay said with a grin.

"Sometimes there, yes. But with the wonders of the internet, that's not such a big divide any more."

"Oh, we're on board with the internet thing now are we?"

"Hey, I was never not on board with the internet, I just tried to keep my social media presence low."

"Fair enough, I guess," Shay said with a nod.

"And besides, it's not like I'm that far away..."

"No, no, I guess not."

Anita flashed her a nervous grin, ducking her head to look back down at her plate a moment later.

 

"Man," Shay said with a satisfied sigh as their main course plates were cleared. "I know the respectable thing to do is be too full for dessert... but I really want something off that cart. You?"

"I usually go for ice cream at moments like this - I like to think it melts in to fill what space there's left."

"It's a nice idea but I think my heart's set on that cheesecake."

"Hey, I won't stop you."

"Damn right you won't."

 

Dessert was pleasant - tasty, and filled with more casual chit-chat as Shay asked more about Anita's hobbies and they delved into the world of roller derby, which had a pretty interesting history, as it turned out, and Shay listened with considerable interest to the origins of the sport itself, and then the particular challenges faced by Anita's own team.

Eventually they finished up and headed back out onto the street; almost immediately they were faced with a dilemma. "Well... my hotel's that way," Anita said, tipping her head to one side. "Do you... want to come with me and we can grab a drink at the bar?"

"Sure," Shay said immediately, though she knew that if she was smart she'd be nursing a water to dilute her half-bottle of wine. She could hold her liquor - it went with the career - but still, anything impairing her judgement at the moment seemed like a bad idea.

"Great. I'll get the first round."

 

The hotel wasn't exactly the Sheraton, but it was nice enough to have a quiet, pleasant bar where they were able to find a comfortable couch to claim as their own with their drinks - a beer for Shary and a gin and tonic for Anita. The other woman seemed strangely more keyed up now than she had all day, fidgeting with the cuffs of her shirt and taking tiny sips of her drink as she grinned nervously at Shay. "So..."

"So," Shay said with a wry smile. "What'd I do?" she asked jokingly. "Have I got cheesecake on my face?"

"Hm? Oh, no, your face is fine. Uncheesecaked, as far as I can see."

"You're looking at my like I've grown a second head," Shay teased gently.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I'm just very aware that we haven't really talked about things properly, like you said you wanted to," Anita said, shaking her head. "And I'm a bit nervous about it, to be honest."

"Oh. Right. Well, I mean. If you don't want to we don't have to," Shay said, shaking her head. "Or not this time - or any time necessarily. Honestly I'm enjoying spending time with you and I don't want to ruin that if it's gonna stress you out."

"No, no. I mean, we've already touched on it, right?"

"Sure, I mean yeah, a bit, of course. But still... I don't even know what else I need to know, really. I just... I guess I feel like I know what I know, and Lex told me her side, and I haven't heard yours, y'know?"

"My side?"

Shay winced at this. "That's... that might've come out wrong. I guess I meant that I wondered what had gone on for you. But we really don't have to talk about it."

"Oh, right. I, um... you can pretty much imagine it, I'm sure."

Shay wasn't sure what this meant but she shrugged and nodded anyway. "Fair enough," she said, keen to get them back into a place where Anita didn't feel challenged or interrogated.

"I just... I felt so stupid, you know? I had been so principled, so good, all summer, and then I let it all fall through the cracks with a stupid mistake."

"You always came across as totally appropriate to me. I'm sorry that it fell apart the way it did."

Anita paused for a moment, then shook her head. "It's fine."

"Well, it's a long time ago, anyway."

"Yeah. Yeah, it was. We're hopefully a bit older and wiser now."

"I don't feel it, most days. But hopefully, yeah."

"Hm, well. Here's to hopefully learning from the past," Anita said, raising her glass.

Shay just smiled, a little weakly perhaps but genuinely nevertheless, and leaned to clink her bottle neck to the other woman's glass. Anita looked as if she was going to speak again when she was interrupted by the buzz of Shay's phone, signalling that a text had come in.

"Shit, sorry, hang on, lemme just check this..."

It was, perhaps unsurprisingly, from Dar.

So what happened?! Spill it all, girl!

Shay rolled her eyes, and turned her screen off, returning her phone to her pocket. "Sorry."

"Mm?"

"Just Dar harassing me."

"Oh." Anita blinked, and took a rather large gulp of her drink. "Listen, if I'm keeping you you don't have to stay... I've already monopolised you all day, after all."

"Nah, I'm good." Shay hesitated. "I mean, unless you want me to go..."

"No, not at all. It's nice spending time with you."

"'Kay. So you're not keeping me, and I'm not annoying you." Shay smiled a little, shifting to sit sideways a little and resting her head against the back of the sofa. Anita seemed to relax a little, smiling back at her from her spot leaning against the armrest of the sofa.

"So... what's in store for you in the week ahead?"

Shay lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. "Y'know. Work. Sleeping late, hanging out. Same as always. You?"

"Work. Getting up early. Derby. Same as always," Anita grinned.

"What exciting lives we lead."

"Exciting isn't always all it's cracked up to be."

"Sure, I can see that," Shay said. "Though they've been a bit more exciting recently, I guess."

"Oh yeah?"

"Well, seeing Lex again was its own particular weirdness. And then there's this..."

"Which is hopefully not too weird."

"Not too weird, no. Mostly really nice." Shay sighed, closing her eyes for a moment and opening them again to look at Anita as though amazed she was still there. "I still can't quite believe we're here," she said.

"I knew I should have suggested a different bar."

Shay just chuckled.

"So I, um, could probably find time to come down again in a couple weeks. Or you could come up to [town] - but it's not very interesting, I warn you in advance."

"I'm sure it'd be nice," Shay said. "Though I'd probably need to plan further ahead and save up a little."

"Well, you could stay with me," Anita offered. "And maybe you could get a bus partway and I could pick you up, or something?"

"Um... sure, I mean, that could definitely work," Shay said with a quick nod. "I'm sure the travel wouldn't be an issue if I didn't need to worry about a motel. Though are you sure that's okay?"

"Yeah, of course, I've got a spare room that doesn't get nearly enough use."

"Um, okay, then, cool."

"We can play it by ear - no need to rush anything," Anita said with a grin. "Just if you decide you'd like a taste of small-town life."

"It sounds nice, honestly. I could use the break - just have to make sure I can afford it."

"Sure, of course."

"For now, though, you're here. So... what would you like to do tomorrow? You have me 'til four."

"Oh, um, anything, really. Are the galleries open on Sunday?"

Shay made a face. "Not sure? Maybe some of them? If not there's a park we could go to if the weather's nice. Or we could see a movie or something. I mean, I guess you probably have a decent cinema where you are so that's probably a stupid suggestion..."

"No, that sounds great," Anita said, grinning. "Either the park or a movie. Or both."

"Well, why don't we grab a late breakfast together, then an early movie, then a late, light lunch in the park?" Shay suggested. "Understanding of course that you're on your own 'til ten."

"Wow, when you say late you mean late..."

"Hey, that's me getting up early for you."

"...you're not joking, are you?"

"I wish."

"Hah. Well, okay then. I'm sure I'll be able to amuse myself somehow."

Shay grinned. "I'm sure it'll be nice to get a break from my rambling."

"Don't be silly, I love listening to you talk."

"Yeah, you'll soon get over that."

"I'm sure I won't." Anita went to take a drink of her G&T only to find she had finished it; she looked surprised. "Oh, that went down far too easily."

Shay chuckled. "That's gin and tonics for you - I never drink those 'cause I end up spending way more money and never feeling drunk."

"I don't really like getting drunk anyway... though with that wine I'm starting to get there."

"Man, you are way too well-behaved - have you always been this way? I think I've hung around my coworkers too long; they're the worst."

"Oh I'm not that good," Anita said, smirking and shaking her head. "Just a lightweight."

"Oh yeah?" Shay raised her eyebrows, her interest piqued in spite of herself. "What does 'not that good' look like?"

"Oh... I don't know..."

"Come on, what do Anitas do when they feel like letting go?"

"Well... they sometimes go dancing."

"Yeah?" Shay raised her eyebrows. "I could totally have found somewhere for us to do that, you should've said."

"I guess I didn't know if I was going to be letting go this weekend or not," Anita said, meeting Shay's eyes with a questioning look. Shay could only blink back, her cheeks suddenly a little warm.

"I, uh... guess I don't either. Know."

"Well... maybe next time, then."

"Sure, maybe - hey, you can show me what people do for a good time up in [town]."

"Yeah, of course. That'd be great."

"So, um." Shay glanced at Anita's glass. "D'you want me to fetch us another drink? Or shall we call it a night?"

"Well, you might be a night owl but I'm still planning on getting up at my usual time, so we should probably call it a night now." At least Anita seemed less than pleased to voice these pragmatic words, and Shay had an inkling that if she pressed it she could easily convince the other woman to stay out. Still, on this occasion she just nodded, and knocked back the rest of her beer before shifting to stand. "Well, I owe you one," she said. "Not to mention dinner. Will I meet you here tomorrow? You're closer to the nice places to eat brunch than I am."

"Sure, sounds good."

"Great. So... see you at ten tomorrow?"

"Bright and early."

"Great." Shay ginned down at Anita, and seemed to hesitate for a moment. Then, making a decision, she turned to leave.

"Um, g'night," Anita said from behind her.

Shay turned, looking chastened, blinking nodding. "Yeah, yeah," she said. "G'night."

 

Shay was so busy dissecting every nuance of the day that she found it impossible to fall asleep even once her usual bedtime of late o'clock had come and gone.

Every word Anita had said, every look, every gesture. All those awkward moments when neither woman knew what to say and then also those perfect moments of utter comfort that made her feel warm inside. What did Anita think? Was she regretting having come? Surely not, if she was already talking about when they'd next see one another. But still, Shay felt very dull and very disappointing in the face of everything Anita had thought her capable of back then - she couldn't possibly have been what Anita expected.

Still, she had another day with which to impress her - or blow things completely. Though she knew she should get some sleep Shay couldn't help pulling out her sketchpad and a set of pencils, flipping open to the first blank page. Just one sketch before bedtime...

 

The next morning Shay was present and correct at ten am, though she looked like death warmed up. Anita couldn't help but look concerned. "Are you all right? If you're getting sick you should be in bed."

"Oh, no, no, I'm fine," Shay said with a weary grin. "Just got hit with the sketching bug at like two or something and couldn't seem to get away from it. Honestly I'm pretty happy, just, y'know. Tired. It's cool."

"Okay. Then we should definitely do something quiet today, like a movie."

"Oh, I'm fiiine," Shay said with a grin and a wave of her hand. "I'll just mainline some coffee over brunch. C'mon, I know where we should go..."

"Then lead the way."

 

Brunch was delicious, and by the end of it Shay had downed enough coffee to feel nearly human again. Anita was her usual quiet but cheerful self, inquiring after the sketching the other woman had done and asking more about her weekends and usual routine. Shay was open about her usual routines but a little vague about her sketches, reluctant given their good but potentially fragile rapport to reveal that all she had sketched the previous night was Anita after Anita after Anita.

They headed to the movie theatre afterwards - Shay had offered to look up showings on her phone but Anita insisted they just 'go and see what appealed', so off they went, none the wiser as to what they would end up seeing... and neither woman really caring either. It was just as well, for about twenty minutes in Anita felt a warm pressure come to rest on her shoulder and realised that Shay had fallen asleep.

 

"...Shay? Hey, wake up, the movie's over..."

Shay slid back into consciousness, various feelings stealing across her one after the other. First, the warmth against her face and neck from the shoulder where it lay. Second, the crick in said neck. Third, the slight skin-tightness that signified a streak of dried drool beside her mouth.

"Jesus..." She pushed upright, a little disoriented - it was the drool that had done it, her embarrassment shaking her back to the present moment in record time. "Oh, um..." She blinked, shook her head. "I'm sorry," she added, grinning sheepishly at Anita and wiping her mouth self-consciously. "So much for discussing the film over lunch I guess..."

"It's okay - it wasn't actually very good," Anita said with an answering grin. "So you had the right idea."

"Ah. Well. Good. So um... what would you like for lunch? There's just about anything around here, within reason - and you'll have to let me get it."

"Well, I liked your idea of a picnic in the park. Maybe we can grab something at a supermarket and take it with us?"

"Sure thing - there are a couple of places nearby - hey, I didn't drool on you did I?"

Anita glanced at her shoulder, then chuckled. "What's a little drool between friends?"

"Man, now I'm embarrassed..."

"Don't be. It's very endearing."

"Well, in that case..." Shay feinted toward Anita briefly as though about to lean back against her, but then converted this movement at the last moment into rising from her chair. "Shall we?"

Anita grinned and pushed herself up as well. "Sure. I'll tell you everything you missed while you were off in Dreamland."

 

Anita's recap of the movie's more painful moments soon had Shay in stitches as they made their way to the park with their food - the other woman had a dry but perfectly timed way with words that meant her description was very droll indeed. They had picked up sandwiches, fruit, and some bakery-fresh brownies which Anita apparently hadn't been able to resist, the smell of which had both women's stomachs growling as they found a spot beneath a shady tree and settled down. Propping her back against the tree, Shay was soon following Anita's suit and digging in, her movements only slightly sluggish from her lingering post-nap fatigue as they discussed 'good picnic food' while preparing their food.

"You know, I saw this ridiculous article the other day, about 'amazing ideas for recipes to make while camping', and it was just a load of things you either were supposed to make beforehand and take with you, or stuff you could throw on or in a fire," Anita said, shaking her head.

"Wow, someone pretty much found the definition of 'scraping the bottom of the barrel," Shay said with a chuckle.

"Bad journalism, if you ask me."

"No kidding... so d'you like camping? Or were you just reading for the purposes of journalistic analysis?"

"Oh, it was just for fun... but I do like camping. Do you?"

"Yeah, actually. Haven't been in a long time but I loved it as a kid - though I need to go for either just a day or two, or like a whole week or two for it to be worth it. Day three or four while I can't sleep past dawn but can't go to bed earlier either? Hell on earth."

"Unless you have a friendly shoulder to nap on," Anita said, grinning.

"Yeah, I guess that helps," Shay replied, her smile turning a little shy.

"You're always welcome to mine."

"Um, thanks. I'll... keep that in mind."

Anita smiled at her before ducking her head and proceeding to pick all the grapes off the stem, placing them one by one on her plate.

Shay fell silent too, enjoying their surroundings as she put her own lunch together and ate some before resting back against the tree trunk once more, shifting her shoulders to get comfortable.

"It's been a really nice weekend," Anita commented then, moving to sit closer to Shay so she could lean against the tree as well. "Thanks for letting me visit."

"I'm so glad you came," Shay said quietly, tipping her head back and closing her eyes. "I'm glad you replied to my email," she continued groggily, the slightly slurred murmurings of someone as they drift off to sleep. "And that you joined Facebook. I'm glad we get the chance to know each other after all."

"Mm, me too. I hope it continues."

"Me too."

 

The rest of the 'visit' was almost a disappointment - once again Shay fell asleep and Anita let her slumber until about forty-five minutes before her shift began. After waking the other woman up she insisted that she let her drop her off at work, so they headed back to the nearby hotel and then to the restaurant, where they said a warm but slightly awkward goodbye. Shay clearly wasn't sure whether they should hug, and Anita didn't seem to have much more of a plan, so they ended up with a brief half-armed embrace, each woman grinning nervously as they pulled away.

"I'll see you on Facebook, I guess," Anita said, sliding her hands into her pockets.

"And in a couple of weeks," Shay reminded her. "I'll talk to my boss tonight."

"Yeah? Great. Sounds great."

"Yeah? Okay - I mean, if you're still sure. I don't wanna impose..."

Anita shook her head. "I'd love to have you."

Shay felt a little twist in her stomach at Anita's choice of wording, but just nodded and grinned. "Well, um. Great," she said. "I'll see you on chat."

"Yeah. Have a good shift at work."

"Have a good drive home."

 

"That may have been one of the dorkiest scenes I have ever witnessed. I'd say I wished I could hear what you were saying but I'm sure it would only have made it worse."

Shay bent over the sink to splash water on her face before straightening and turning to fetch her apron. "God, this whole weekend has been... I don't even know," she said in almost comic anguish.

"You lesbians and your angst. Why didn't you just jump her, she's totally cute!"

"She's not into me."

"What? But she came all the way down just to see you!"

"It's not that far, and we never really got to know one another back then. It's a weird situation, okay? I mean, I don't even know how I'd feel about it if she did like me - I was a teenager last time we met, y'know? She was my mentor. My mentor who, let's not forget, made-out with a sixteen year old kid."

"Oh come on, they hardly made out, it sounded like just a peck," Dar said, rolling her eyes. "If that's making out then I make out with my grandmother."

"Well I can't exactly ask for details of duration and tongue location so I'm never really going to know what it was, am I?"

"Okaaaay, sorry for saying anything. So what, that's it?"

"What's what?"

"You're just going to... what, chat on Facebook and pine after her for the rest of your days?"

"Ohhh. Well she does want to hang out again. I'm gonna visit in a couple of weeks if I can get the time, she talked about wanting to see more of [city], so... y'know. We'll be friends. And I'll... get over it."

"Sounds great."

"It'll be fine. Nice, it'll be nice."

"Mmhmm."

"Can we just get to work already?"

"Sure, I'm gonna prep the bar, you can take tables," Dar said with a sunny smile.

"Ugh, okay."

 

Anita: Hey there. How was work?
Shay: Loooong. I'm dead. How're you?
Anita: Possibly less dead. Tell me about your day.
Shay: Well, it began with me waking up WAY too early to go see this girl who was in town to visit me...
Anita: Oh yeah? Sounds awful.
Shay: Eh, worth it. She let me nap on her most of the day, so.
Anita: I hope you drooled on her just to punish her.
Shay: You know, it's funny you should mention that...
Anita: Good, you showed her.
Anita: So besides the napping, things were otherwise okay?
Anita: She didn't overstay her welcome?
Shay: God, no.
Shay: If anything, I was sorry I slept through so much of it. Hopefully I'll do better when we see each other next.
Anita: I'm sure it was nice being with you even when you were asleep.
Shay: Yeah? You sure?
Anita: Well, you'd have to ask her... :-P
Shay: I guess I could do that... But I might live in paranoia instead, wondering what she thinks of me.
Anita: Sounds like fun.
Anita: But seriously, it was great to see you.
Anita: I had a really nice time.
Shay: :-) You too. I already spoke to Paul about getting the weekend after next off - would that work for you? I would have from the Saturday morning (in theory?) through 'til Monday...
Anita: Yeah, I'm sure that would work.
Anita: I'll put it in my calendar.
Shay: Awesome. Obviously I don't have to stay that long, though, I mean, I'm sure you have other stuff to do.
Anita: Well, there might be stuff on but you're welcome to come to it.
Anita: Unless you want to stay a derby virgin forever.
Shay: Oh, I think I could stand to have my derby cherry popped...
Anita: I forgot how much I hated that saying when I used it.
Shay: Muah ha ha.
Anita: :-(
Anita: I'll let you away with it this once.
Shay: Damn right, you started it.
Anita: Hey!
Anita: Sneaky.
Shay: Anyway... I should thank you actually. As much as it gave me a very long, tired day today I totally owe you for getting me sketching again.
Anita: No problem at all.
Anita: Do I get to see these sketches? I have plenty of writing I can trade.
Shay: I dunno.
Anita: You don't know?
Shay: Yeah.
Shay: I'll bring everything when I come see you.
Anita: Sounds like a plan. :-)

 

Shay sat back with a long exhalation. So. Two weeks. Then, well... you'll have other stuff by then if you chicken out.

 

"Hi! Shay, over here!" Shay turned to find Anita waving excitedly at her from the curb.

Adjusting her bag on her shoulder Shay broke into a trot, face splitting into a broad grin. "Hi yourself!" she said as she reached the older woman. "How's it going?"

"Pretty good," Anita said; when Shay was close enough she opened her arms to give her a quick - and slightly less awkward than before - hug.

"Good, great. You look good. Um." Shay made a face like this was a weird thing to say. "So... where to?"

"Home, James, to drop off your stuff, I thought." Anita gestured towards her car. "D'you want to put that in the trunk, or just the backseat?"

"Oh, um... I have no preference. It won't care."

"Okay, the backseat's less full, just stick it in there."

"'Kay." Shay did as instructed and jumped in beside Anta. "So what's the trunk full of?"

"My gear. Roller derby stuff," the other woman clarified as she pulled out into the street.

"Oh, right... how much gear do you need, as a ref?"

"Oh, not too much for myself, just my skates and uniforms and stuff, but I also have a lot of the team's stuff, and practice things, cones and stuff... it's not very interesting."

"Sounds it," Shay said, shooting a smile at Anita as the other woman glanced her way.

"Well, you'll get to see it all in action tonight... if you still want to go."

"Oh! Oh, yeah, totally, definitely."

"Great, great, good. It's going to be a good bout."

"Yeah? Cool, you can get me up to speed over dinner."

"You'll be happy to hear I finally picked a place for us to go. I hope you like Thai."

"I do!"

"Great."

 

Anita's apartment was a charming two-bedroom in an old brick building that she reported used to be a printing press - 'I thought it was too apt not to, you know?' It was decorated relatively sparsely, with plenty of black and white photographs and matching furniture that made Shay feel rather ashamed of her random assortment of cast-off and IKEA's finest.

"This is gorgeous," she said. "D'you own or rent?"

"Just rent. I always thought I'd wait to buy once I had settled down with someone, you know, but I guess that dream's becoming a little outdated now."

"Oh?" Shay tried to keep the open query from sounding too keen even as her ears pricked up.

"Mm. Besides, I like it here, and I hate moving."

"Guess that's as good a reason as any for staying in one place."

"Inertia? It's the best reason." Anita grinned and led Shay through to a small but tidy bedroom. "This is you. The bathroom's just down the hall on the left. I'm on the right."

"'Kay," Shay said, her stomach giving a little flutter at the information about Anita's room - though it was presumably just to help her orientate herself.

"I'll get us a drink if you want to put your stuff down, freshen up. Not that you need to," the other woman added. "You look great."

Shay shot her a shy smile. "I shouldn't dress up somehow for the game? Or down?"

"What you have on is fine. Or you can change. Either way it'll be perfect."

"Perfect, huh?"

"Mmhmm. What do you want to drink? I've got Diet Coke, orange juice, wine, coffee, water..."

"Just a Diet Coke would be great, actually," Shay said with a slightly too enthusiastic nod.

"Coming right up."

 

Shay took a few minutes to change her shirt, suddenly paranoid that the one she was wearing was too travel-soiled, and then visited the bathroom to splash water on her face, returning to the lounge to find Anita tidying the already immaculate room, two glasses of Diet Coke with ice sitting on the coffee table.

"Hey. Feeling refreshed?"

"So refreshed like you would not believe," Shay said with a smirk as she sat down in front of one of the glasses. "Thanks."

"No problem. The room okay for you?"

"Perfect. I mean, absolutely, it's great, thanks."

"Good." Anita smiled - a little nervously, Shay thought - and sat down, reaching for the other glass.

"So... when's the game... match? Bout? What d'you call it?"

"Bout, yeah. It starts at eight, so we'll grab an early dinner if that's okay."

"Oh, totally, I can eat whenever."

"Great. And until then, I thought we could walk around the town - there's no museums, but there are a couple places I'd like to show you."

"Cool. I mean, yeah, that sounds cool." Shay drank her coke a little too fast and it threatened to fizz up her nose, causing her to splutter a little. Anita frowned and leaned forward in concern, reaching out to place a hand lightly on the other woman's shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

Shay jumped a little. "Yeah, yeah, totally, I'm good, sure," she said, straightening. "Just uh... have a drinking problem," she joked weakly.

"So I see. Maybe I should get you some water instead."

"Nonono my bubbles," Shay said with a grin, shrinking away from Anita to cradle her coke possessively in her hands. The other woman grinned back fondly, and Shay's insides fluttered again. "Aaaanyway..."

"Yeah. Um, so how was the ride up, I didn't ask before."

"Oh, y'know, buses... It was fine though, actually. I got an empty seat next to me at least."

"That's good. And the scenery's nice, at least."

"Yeah, oh my God actually, I meant to say; it's gorgeous up here!" Shay seemed to remember now. "All the woodland? Beautiful."

"It's great, isn't it?" Anita said with a grin. "I just love it up here. Pretty much every season is gorgeous."

"Yeah, it really is. I grew up way nearer the country than I am now; I miss it a lot."

"Have you ever thought of moving out of the city?"

"Sure, but..." Shay shrugged. "I've gotta eat, y'know?"

"Yeah, of course. Sorry, I didn't mean... anyway."

"Oh, no, no, it's totally cool. I would move out of [City] in a second, but I just meant that I can't not work and when one job ends there it's a lot easier to search in the same place y'know? I don't have a cushion to let me move before finding something."

"Mm, of course. Switching jobs can be a real pain."

"And searching. Nothing more humiliating than job hunting."

"Christ, tell me about it. Especially when..." Anita trailed off, shook her head. "Anyway. If there's ever anything I can do, just tell me."

Shay raised her eyebrows but didn't try to backtrack, just nodding. "Well, you ever see some nice little smalltown restaurants or bars looking for staff just let me know," she said, only half joking.

"I'll keep you in mind."

I wish... "Thanks, heh."

"So, about ready to head out?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, totally."

"Great. I'll just get my coat."

 

The Thai place Anita had found was small and unassuming, but a delicious combination of smells filled their senses as they entered, bringing a grin to Shay's face. "Man, I'm actually starving," she realised.

"Yeah? Then we're in the right place. I know it's weird for a little town to have good Thai food, but I guess we lucked out."

"Awesome. I mean, great, good," Shay said, looking a little sheepish at her nervous babbling. At least they were occupied with finding a table and looking over the menu for the next few minutes, though Shay couldn't help obsessing over the fond smile Anita had shot her, or the way she had pulled out Shay's chair for her before taking her own.

"So um. D'you come here often?" she asked eventually. "I mean... I didn't mean that - well, I did mean that, but y'know. Literally. Not... oh JesusChrist."

Anita gave a slightly nervous laugh of her own. "I don't know, define 'often'."

"Like... I dunno, more than once a month? Or I mean, do they deliver?"

"Yeah, they do. And yeah, by that definition I eat here often. If you count take-out."

"I guess I do for the purposes of you being able to recommend me something good?"

"You have to give me a little more guidance, here... what's good? Do you like seafood?"

"Ummm mild stuff, yeah?"

"Hm, okay... maybe steer away from that, then. How about the khao mu krop? Or we could do a sharing curry, if you like."

"Oh, um, that might be nice, sure," Shay said with a nod, finding this idea oddly appealing.

"Okay, great. Chicken or beef?"

"Umm... what do you prefer? I like both, honestly."

"I think I'm in a chicken mood tonight."

"Cool, let's do that, then."

"Kay. And do you want any wine? I won't be drinking before the bout but that doesn't mean you shouldn't if you want a glass."

"Oh, um... I guess maybe... actually d'you know, I'll wait too. There's nothing worse than other people being tipsy when you're sober."

"Fair enough. We'll have drinks after, anyway."

"Cool, okay. Cool." Though if you have any sense, Shay reminded herself, you'll stick to your plan to keep it light.

 

Anita ordered for them, and the food came, and they shared, and it was wonderful. Not just the food - though that was great too, truly delicious - but the rapport they fell into over dinner, talking about their respective weeks and catching up even despite the fact they had chatted on Facebook just about every night. The periodic butterflies that had taken up residence in Shay's stomach were gradually joined by a spreading warmth that had nothing to do with the curry and everything to do with seeing Anita again, like this, with them slipping back into that rapport that they seemed to find in between bouts of awkwardness or confusion.

"So you brought them, right?" Anita asked after a mouthful of rice, raising her eyebrows expectantly. "Your sketches?"

"What? Oh... um, yeah, yeah, I did," Shay said with a quick smile. She had brought all of them, though some she'd torn out of her book and kept separate, still unsure whether she dared show them off and not about to be caught out with the same careless mistake twice.

"Great. I can't wait to see them."

"They're really nothing special. But I mean, it's nice to be drawing again. I definitely owe you one."

"Oh, don't say that. You don't owe me anything. I'm sure you would've gotten back to it soon enough."

"Yeah. I dunno. I think it took meeting someone who reminded me who I wanted to be once."

Anita smiled and shook her head. "Have you done any more life drawing?"

Shay tipped her head from side-to-side in a 'kinda' gesture. "Dar sat for me again, but mostly I've been back working from my head, trying to kick-start my imagination a little."

"Yeah? Great. You certainly never had a problem with that before, I'm sure you'll get it back in no time."

"Um, yeah..." Shay stammered a little, eyes casting shyly downward as she remembered Anita's discovery of just how little problem she had letting her imagination run away.

"I wish I could draw half as well as you can. I've always been envious of talented artists."

"You are a talented artist. Just, y'know, you write rather than draw."

"I don't know if I'd go that far."

"You're a good writer," Shay said with conviction. "Really good. And you do it for a living, which is more than I ever managed in any capacity."

"Most of what I do now is just administration... I don't get to do much writing," Anita said with a shake of her head. "At least, not that I get paid for."

Shay tipped her head to the side. "That's a shame," she said.

"Oh, it's okay. I never really wanted to be a writer, remember?"

The younger woman winced a little. "Yeah," she murmured, eyes dragged back to her food. "I remember."

"Hey," Anita said chidingly, "don't. You're going to make me feel ashamed next."

"Sorry, sorry." Shay shook her head, forced a weak smile onto her face. "So, um. Do they do desserts here, or..."

"Yeah they do, shall I get us a menu?"

"Only if you'd like some."

"I probably shouldn't before I skate - raincheck?"

"Sure, 'nother time."

"Kay. I'll just get the check and then we can get going."

 

It wasn't far from the restaurant to the rink, but with all Anita's gear in the car they had to drive anyway. On the way the other woman gave her a quick run-down of the rules of roller derby so that she could understand what she'd be watching, though Shay had already looked it up on the internet earlier in the week just to prepare.

The rink was in a rather run-down looking warehouse that the old signs suggested had once been for dried goods storage. Makeshift stands had been set up around three sides of the track, and Shay headed off to grab a seat as Anita disappeared to change and prep. It was already starting to fill up - apparently the bout was a popular place to spend a Saturday night. Shay did what all lone persons did in such situations these days and took out her phone, though she didn't check it immediately, instead taking in her surroundings for a while first - the rink, the crowd, the artfully distressed aesthetic of the building.

Eventually the 'girls' began to filter out onto the track, one group in bright green t-shirts, the other in pink. They may have been called girls but seemed to be comprised of all ages, from those that looked like they were barely out of high school to a handful of women who probably had kids watching in the stands.

The crowd whooped and stamped for the women on the rink, and after both teams came Anita in her black and white shirt, drawing her own round of applause. She should've looked comical in her black-and-white shirt and helmet, her bare legs skinny above her neon-coloured skates, but Shay found the whole look utterly adorable, even compared to the mostly strapping women skating round her who were, in truth, far more her usual 'type'.

It wasn't long before the bout began, with dozens of women whizzing round the track at breakneck speeds, ramming and shoving and passing one another in pursuit of... well, Shay was almost sure she understood the scoring. Either way it was a pretty exhilarating battle, though truthfully she spent as much of it watching Anita as the bout. As slight as she was, Anita could definitely skate, her smooth movements taking her wherever she needed to be to keep track of the action without ever endangering herself. She did her job well, and even what Shay could tell were contentious decisions were accepted with good grace by both teams thanks to the other woman's confidence and firm but kind manner.

She really would've been a good teacher, she found herself thinking wistfully as she watched Anita resolve another dispute on the rink, but the pensive thought was soon pushed aside as the action began once again.

Half-time came suddenly; half the crowd crawled down out of the bleachers to visit the restroom or grab a snack from the little vending area by the door. The other half stayed in their seats to watch the entertainment: a tug-of-war between some of the derby girls and what appeared to be the local high school football team. Everyone was yelling in support of the girls, of course, and it was a pretty even match - the boys were big, but the women were high on adrenaline and well-anchored, putting up a very good fight. Shay was glad of the distraction, not keen to make herself look too uncool by pestering Anita in the middle of her bout.

"Shay! Hey, Shay!" Blinking in surprise, Shay looked away in the direction of the call to see Anita hovering at the foot of the bleachers, waving enthusiastically. Her face split into a broad grin and she waved back, following the gesture with a big double thumbs-up. Rather than try to shout over the noises in the arena Anita merely mouthed 'having fun?' with a raise of her eyebrows, and Shay nodded enthusiastically, returning a carefully mouthed 'Amazing!' to go with it. The other woman returned the thumbs-up, hesitating a moment longer before she was called to 'officiate' by someone in the tug-of-war and she skated off, a bit reluctantly Shay thought.

When the bout got going again, Anita was all business once more, missing nothing in spite of the breakneck pace of the sport. Shay enjoyed the second half just as much as the first, though really she was most excited about being reunited with the other woman. Anita would be flushed from her skating and on an adrenaline high - who knew what might happen? As soon as she thought it Shay admonished herself for being foolish, knowing she should keep her expectations realistic and tame. And besides, did she really want Anita to compromise her better judgement and do something that might ruin their friendship?

Maybe, if it lead to something more... but Shay couldn't even contemplate that possibility it was so unbelievable.

Eventually the bout ended with the triumph of the green team, and after the requisite cheering and clapping (and victory laps) the crowd began to disperse. Only now did Shay descend from her spot on the bleachers to attemp to locate Anita in the sudden throng. Luckily the other woman was rather distinctive in her striped shirt, and Shay soon spotted her towards the middle of the rink and pushed in that direction.

"Shay! Hey, there you are! What did you think? Was that okay?"

"That was great - amazing," Shay said with a grin. "Totally awesome."

"Okay now I know you're just being nice."

"Not even a little bit."

Anita was already smiling, but it spread into a grin at this. "Okay. I'm just going to go get changed, I'll be right back, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, absolutely - where d'you want me to wait?"

"Just wherever - I'll find you."

"Fair enough. I'll just..." Shay backed up a little, gesturing behind herself.

"Kay." Anita skated off towards what was presumably the locker room; a moment later another woman braked to a halt next to Shay. She was wearing green - one of the winners, then - and had a colourful full-sleeve tattoo stretching down her left arm.

"Hey, you must be Shay, right?"

"Um, yeah, hi. Yeah I am." Shay said, still perma-grinning in spite of being slightly thrown by the other woman's sudden appearance.

"Called it! I'm Kate. Ani can't shut up about you."

Ani? I didn't think anyone... hey, can't shut up about me? "Um, hey, hi. Shay. Nope, wait, you knew that, sorry..."

Kate laughed, skating in a half-circle around the other woman and looking her up and down. "So you're up from the city, huh?"

"Um, yep, just for the weekend, yeah," Shay replied with a nod.

"Cool. You guys having a nice time?"

"Yeah, great. Lovely. Imean, I basically just got here and then we went to dinner and now we're here but yeah, it's great. Awesome."

"Yeah, Ani knows how to show a girl a good time all right."

"I, uh..." Shay didn't know what to say to this, and moreover began to feel her face burn. Katie didn't seem to notice her embarrassment, merely skating backwards a few feet.

"You gonna stay for drinks?"

"I, um, dunno," she said. "Whatever Anita's doing I guess?"

"Uh huh, cool. You totally should, we put music on and dance, it's pretty fun."

"Sounds really nice."

"It is! But I guess you guys might wanna get back, huh?" Was Kate wiggling her eyebrows under her helmet?

"Oh, uh... I dunno, I don't think so?" was all Shay could manage, trying her very best to ignore the implications of the other woman's words - and the little twinge of interest they kindled inside her.

"Huh. Well, okay then, you should definitely stay."

Shay nodded. "I guess I'll find out," she said with a somewhat nervous grin.

"Mmhmm - hey, speak of the devil!" Kate said as Anita hurried over, this time in her 'civvies' and regular shoes. The other woman glanced between Kate and Shay, looking slightly nervous.

"Hey, I see you're making friends," she said after a moment, smiling at Shay.

"Uh, yeah, I... yeah," Shay said with a quick smile. "Kate was... just saying how you guys all stick around and hang out after games - bouts."

"Oh, yeah, I guess it's to ride the adrenaline high or whatever. But we don't have to," the other woman said quickly. "If you'd rather head back or somewhere just the two of us."

"I, uh..." Shay suddenly really wished that Kate wasn't there looking between them like she was watching a particularly amusing tennis match. "I don't mind," she said eventually. "I don't wanna drag you away from your friends..."

"It's okay, I see them every week," Anita told her, drawing a 'heeeey!' from Katie - though she didn't look that upset.

Shay lifted her shoulders. "I'm really okay either way," she said. "I know you like dancing."

"Yeah. Maybe we'll just stay for a little bit, then head?"

"Sure."

"Kay."

 

Pretty soon the booze had been broken out and the music was playing - the party had begun. Anita stuck close by Shay's side - for the first twenty minutes all she did was introduce her around to the various derby girls and other guests, always calling her 'my friend Shay'. Most of the 'girls' were still chatting about the bout during this time, animated and giddy as they went over blow-by-blow accounts of their favourite moments, but even then it was surprisingly early in the night, Shay thought, that the first women took to the flat area in the centre of the rink that seemed to serve as their dancefloor.

"What d'you say, up for a spin on the dancefloor?" Anita asked - by now she had had a beer and seemed to be relaxing a little, though she was still more animated than Shay could remember her being during their limited time together.

"Um, sure," Shay said, bobbing her head in a nod and putting her own drink aside to rise to her feet. Anita grinned at her and headed into centre of the rink, making sure there was a space beside her for Shay before she began to dance. Shay generally liked to be a lot drunker and a lot more crowded before dancing, and though this was a welcoming enough group of people that she didn't feel embarrassed exactly it was still hard to ignore her twinge of self-consciousness, and she was pretty sure it showed as she bobbed along to the music. It helped a little that Anita was not a good dancer, per se - she clearly enjoyed it and had a decent sense of rhythm, but she wasn't any great shakes, and she made faces every time she glanced at Shay, which was often. Soon enough Shay's inhibitions were loosening in the face of Anita's good humour, and they both began to ham it up a little as they enjoyed the music.

There was a general roar of approval when 'Call Me Maybe' came on and Anita grinned, moving closer in order to lean in to speak to Shay over the opening strings. "Okay, there are totally moves, you have to do them with me. Watch me."

The 'moves' weren't exactly complex, and Shay was soon grinning and gesturing along with everyone else. When the song had finally ended Anita pointed to the side of the rink and then began to make her way off the dancefloor, glancing over her shoulder to see if Shay was following her - which she did, of course, though most of the dancers were now bouncing to the next track, the group on the floor much bigger now that people were warmed up.

"That was great," Anita said, scooping up another beer from what appeared to be a communal cooler by the stands and offering it to Shay. "You're great. I mean. You did great."

"You have very low standards," Shay countered with a chuckle as she took the beer, though her last one was only almost-finished, sitting abandoned near where they'd been sitting before.

"Well, you've seen my dancing now."

"Oh, that was dancing?" Shay teased.

"Hah. Exactly." Anita uncapped her own beer and took a swig.

"So they seem like a really great crowd - the derby girls."

"Oh, yeah, they are. I got really lucky."

"Hey, well I mean, so did they, obviously, getting such a dedicated referee..."

Anita just smiled and shook her head. "So how are you feeling? Do you want to stay or head off?"

"Oh, I'm fine, y'know, I'm good either way," Shay said. On the one hand she wanted nothing more than to have some time alone with Anita. On the other... if they left, what would they do? Head home and to bed? Then they wouldn't be together at all, in private or public. "Whatever you'd like, really, I'm easy."

"Okay. Why don't we finish our drinks and then we can go - we'll see what we feel like."

"Uh, sure, sure thing - great."

Anita settled down on one of the bottom bleachers, resting her forearms on her thighs. "So..." She didn't normally prevaricate very much, Shay had noticed, but she seemed a bit lost for words right then.

"Um." Shay sank down to sit beside her, a little closer than she'd originally intended, their thighs touching as she settled onto the bench. "So..."

"It's really great you came. To visit, I mean. I'm really glad you did."

"Yeah. I mean, me too. It's so nice to see where you live - this is a really great town."

"Yeah. I like it a lot here."

"I can see why; it's really, I dunno, chilled out. And everyone's really friendly."

Anita nodded a little. "It's not as exciting as the city, I know."

"Eh, I dunno about that. Can't remember the last time I watched someone break up a fist fight between two girls on rollerskates in the city..."

"Well you have been avoiding all derby bouts," the other woman pointed out, grinning.

"Did I say avoiding? I haven't been avoiding anything!"

"Avoiding, not going to, it's a fine line."

"I feel as though I'm being misrepresented here, is this what you've been telling Kate about me?" Shay teased.

Anita glanced over, blushing slightly. "I, ah... no, I didn't slander you, promise."

"I'll believe you. So what have you been telling her about me, then?"

"Oh, just... things about my visit, stuff like that," Anita said evasively.

"Fair enough."

"And I mentioned how much I was looking forward to your visit."

"Yeah?" Shay's smile widened a little. Anita had said this before of course, but it was still nice to hear.

"Mmhmm." Anita seemed to want to say something else, but instead just took a swig of her beer, looking back out over the dancefloor.

Eventually, Shay cleared her throat. "So, um, what d'you want to do after, then?" she asked. "Head back to yours, or find a bar, or... oh, hey, your car; are you, like, leaving it here, or..."

"Kate said she'd drop us off in it wherever. So home or bar, either is fine with me."

"Oh, Kate's... is that gonna put her out? Or I mean, is she coming, or..."

"Well, she lives in town so she's heading that way anyway. Saves her getting a ride with someone else."

"She won't be annoyed at having to leave early?"

"No, we never stay particularly late at these evenings anyway."

We... Shay's heart sank. Was that what Kate's innuendo had been for, staking a claim? Anita had always indicated she was alone, but maybe she and Kate were 'complicated'? Or maybe at the start of something? "Sure," she said, managing a weak smile. "That's great, then, cool."

"One advantage of living in a small town. Almost everything's in walking distance."

"Mm. I mean, right. Awesome."

"Is everything okay, Shay?"

"Mm? Oh, yeah, yeah, totally, it's all good," Shay said, shaking her head. "Sorry, bit of a fish out of water, that's all. Ignore me."

Anita made a face, taking a final sip of her beer and then setting the bottle down. "I'll get Kate so we can go."

"Hey, no, wait-" As Anita made to rise to her feet Shay surprised even herself by reaching for her hand. The other woman froze, blinking as she looked down at Shay.

"I just meant... it's all a lot to take in," Shay said. "It's been a really nice night. Seeing you, being here... it's all been really nice. Awesome in fact. 'Kay?" Her fingers curled around Anita's. The other woman's hand was warm and smooth and she suddenly realised she didn't think they'd ever touched, not like this, not skin-on-skin.

"It's been great having you here. I've been looking forward to your visit... ever since you said you'd make it," Anita admitted quietly. "I've wanted to show you around here forever. I thought you'd really fit in - I know that sounds stupid. I just mean I thought you'd like it."

"I do... I do." Realising she was still hanging onto Anita's hand, Shay released it with a sheepish smile. "I do like it," she said. "There's just... a lot. I guess in a way I'm kinda thrown by how much I like it - all of it; the scenery, the people, the town..."

"Good. I'm glad you like it. But we don't have to hang out here any more if it's too much. I've got a bottle of wine back at the apartment, we can just go and relax there..." Anita glanced over her shoulder briefly, then back to Shay. "If that sounds okay with you."

"It sounds really nice. Yeah," Shay said with a nod.

"Okay, cool. Be right back."

 

Anita's apartment seemed very small and very warm when they got back, compared to the big open warehouse. Shay excused herself to the bathroom again; when she returned Anita had brought the bottle of wine out along with two glasses. "Could I bother you to pour them, I'm going to go wash up..."

"Um, sure, no problem."

"Thanks." Anita flashed her a grin before hurrying away down the corridor towards the bathroom.

Shay poured them a small glass each of the dark, viscous liquid. She wasn't enormously fond of red wine, but this one smelled nice, soft and fruity rather than the woodier offerings that she found too dry to really enjoy. There was, of course, the fact that she was already feeling light-headed and didn't need more alcohol to compound the situation, but she would've felt rude in refusing.

Anita returned a few minutes later, obviously having splashed water on her face and run a brush through her hair. "So," she said, sinking down onto the couch next to Shay, "let's see them."

"What? Oh... sketches. I'll just... go get 'em. Hang on, sorry..."

"No, hey, it's okay, I was just kidding." Anita reached out and put a hand on Shay's knee. "You don't have to if you don't want to show me." The slight start on Shay's part at the contact was impossible to miss, and Anita flinched and withdrew her hand sheepishly. "Sorry."

"No, I... don't be. I... yeah. I do want to show you. I'll show you. Just... I'll be right back."

"Of course."

Shay definitely took longer to come back than was strictly necessary, but when she did it was with her sketchpad clutched in her hands. She hesitated before handing it to Anita, the paged flipped open to the last portrait of Dar Anita had seen, and the other woman took it from Shay as she sat back down beside her - carefully, so as to avoid releasing the loose pages that were stuck into the book further through. Shay's whole body was tense; Anita could feel it just sitting next to her.

"These are just as amazing as the last ones," Anita said as she flipped slowly through the pages. "Seriously, Shay, you have such a gift."

"They're really just studies," Shay said stiffly. "I've still really never done what I want to with them..."

"There's time for that."

"Mm."

Anita fell silent as she continued looking through the sketches and Shay's tension grew with each flip of the page. Eventually she reached one of the pages that had been torn out, the first sketch of Anita since they'd met again. This one wasn't a childish fantasy of an Anita half-dressed but a simple study of her face, each feature picked out as if Anita had been sitting in front of her as she'd drawn it.

"Oh wow, Shay." Anita's fingers trembled a little where they held the page. "You certainly have a knack for drawing me how I wish I looked."

Shay didn't even answer, her head bowed, her eyes trained on her knees, leaving Anita to leaf through the rest of the drawings in silence. They were more of the same - studies and fragments - another couple of faces, a perfectly remembered hand, right down to the way just just her thumbnail and none of the others was chewed a little at the edges. Eventually Anita finished and she set the sketchpad aside, turning to face the other woman slowly.

"Shay?"

Shay cleared her throat, already beginning to speak as she raised her her eyes with some effort to Anita's. "Look, I didn't come here with any expectations - I know the whole thing is probably totally fucked-up, what with that summer, and Lex, and I'm not who you thought I was then or now, and-"

Anita kissed her. Not just kissed her, but was kissing her, was still kissing her, even as Shay's brain caught up with her body and realised what was going on. Shay made a little noise of shock in her throat but found herself responding almost before she had time to think about it, her lips parting against Anita's as she sucked a long breath in through her nose. The other woman's tongue flickered out against hers tentatively, her hand sliding to her knee once again to give it a tight squeeze. Shay's kisses were hungry, almost desperate, not just the past few weeks but the past nine years of tension and unfulfilled desire flooding out of her in one feel swoop, and she pressed closer, hands cupping Anita's jaw, moving to tangle in her hair, sliding down her back, everywhere all at once in a clumsy flurry of determination to touch every part of Anita while she could, before this moment had a chance to end.

With a soft moan the other woman leaned back on the couch, drawing Shay with her. Her own kisses grew deeper, more seeking, and Shay realised with a shock that the other woman wanted this too, perhaps just as much as she herself did. She knew they should pause, should have that talk they'd never really got around to about what they meant to one another, what they'd meant then, but right now it didn't seem to matter; all that mattered was kissing Anita, holding Anita, everything else fading into the background. Eventually Anita shifted to slip her fingers under Shay's shirt, smoothing over her sides and back as she broke their kiss - only to immediately press her lips to the other woman's jaw, her breath hot on Shay's sensitive skin.

"Jesus..." Shay trembled, her own hands finally following suit, delving beneath Anita's shirt to roam across her warm skin as she tipped her head back. She could hear Anita's breathy moans in her ear, so unexpected but all the more delicious for it, and she realised that as close as she could get just wouldn't be close enough, pressing nearer, shifting to pull the other woman's shirt off.

As though spurred by the moment Anita pulled back suddenly, and Shay had a plunging moment of panic before the other woman met her eyes and murmured "Do you want to go to the bedroom?"

Only her surprise stopped Shay from answering immediately. "Yes. Yeah. Yeah, okay."

"Thank Christ." Anita leaned up to kiss her deeply once more before placing her hands on her shoulders and pushing her gently up and sliding out from underneath her. Once she was standing she took Shay's hand, leading her down the hallway.

There didn't seem to be any really graceful way to follow someone to bed, to Shay's mind. Sure, they could've shuffled there, embracing and kissing all the way, but it would've taken far longer and ended up feeling a little silly. In the end they practically strode there, though Shay held Anita's hand tightly as they walked as though she was afraid the other woman would disappear if she let go. Once they were back in the bedroom things got back on track - Anita turned to kiss her, and Shay kissed her back, and then somehow they were on the bed, once again tangled up in one another as they slowly undressed. Shay could feel her pulse hammering, her cheeks flushing, her hands trembling as these moments she had waited so long for all finally arrived, all at once.

Anita's underclothes were far from the sort of thing women wore when they planned to seduce someone, which made Shay wonder - in an abstract way, as most of her attention was taken up elsewhere. Had the other woman expected this at all, or merely taken advantage of a fortuitous moment? Still, she had hoped-but-not-expected this herself and she hadn't exactly dressed for the occasion, so it was hard to say one way or the other.

Soon they were both in their bras and underwear and shimmying under the covers before coming together once again for more deep, fevered kisses. Anita was skinny but not unhealthily so, her skin hot under Shay's fingers, and Shay marvelled at the feel of her, so utterly new and unexpected and yet somehow so comfortable, as if all those sketches had somehow made it familiar. The other woman sighed as she drew her fingers over Shay's body, up her sides and over her stomach and then across her breasts, finding her nipple through the fabric of her bra and stroking it to a peak. Shay moaned quietly and ran her own hands up the other woman's body, not across the front but the back, immediately going for the catch to her bra. Anita made an impatient noise, shimmying out of the garment as soon as Shay had undone the clasp and then reaching around behind her to repeat the act. Shay pulled back to wrestle her own bra off and onto the floor, and then kept her distance a moment to stare across at the other woman, eyes drinking her in.

"You're gorgeous," she said, her voice sounding strange to her as she realised it was the first time either of them had spoken in some time.

Anita gave a quick and bashful grin, shaking her head as she reached out to pull Shay closer. "I'm just glad I'm not a disappointment."

"You're amazing," Shay said, letting Anita draw her closer and leaning to kiss her deeply. The other woman returned the kiss with a moan, freeing one hand to slide it once more to Shay's breast, and Shay was soon returning the favour, her hand slipping up to gently roll Anita's small, hard nipple beneath her palm. From there their kisses grew more intent, their breathing more laboured, their hands and fingers more curious, and it wasn't long before Shay's hand slid down between Anita's legs, pressing insistently against her over her underwear.

"Christ," Anita groaned, her hips rising against Shay's hand.

"Just me," Shay muttered, finding Anita's lips with hers again and removing her hand only to slip it smoothly inside the other woman's underwear, moaning again against her mouth and almost drowning out the soft whimper she gave at the contact. Anita's hands slid around Shay, pulling her close as she began to circle her fingers. Shay's kisses were clumsy, now, deep but uncoordinated as her attention shifted away to her hand, eyes closed tightly. She wasn't sure how long this continued for but at some point she felt Anita's hand grip her wrist, pulling it away as she gave her another passionate kiss.

"Let me have a turn, yeah?" she murmured, nuzzling Shay's cheek before beginning to kiss her way down her neck and over her collarbone, her fingers running lightly over the other woman's stomach and breasts.

Shay shivered in delight, though she was a little reluctant to pull back at first. She hasn't... but there's plenty time for that, I guess?

Soon her distraction had all but disappeared as Anita settled between her legs, her slim fingers grasping Shay's thighs, and Shay cried out as the other woman's head dipped down and her mouth found her.

"Oh Fuck..."

It was beyond surreal to be here, with Anita, doing... this, but she just couldn't find it within herself to care, so consumed was she by excitement - and her growing pleasure. She came sooner than she'd expected, the sensation rushing over her suddenly, hard and overwhelming, her hips lifting off the mattress to grind shamelessly against the other woman's mouth. Anita moaned against her, clutching at Shay's hips until her climax had run through her, tongue still pulsing against her until Shay reached down to draw her back up.

As soon as she reached her once more Shay planted kisses all over Anita's face, her neck, and her damp mouth, hands cupping her jaw as their tongues met.

"God, Shay, you taste incredible, that was amazing, you're... mmph." Anita chuckled as Shay found her lips again, though it soon drew off into a low moan, and Shay lost no time in beginning to trail a hand down the other woman's body, her destination clear. Anita wriggled beneath her touch eagerly, and when Shay slipped her hand between her legs once more she found her more than ready, and she lost no time in picking up her pace from before, eager to return the favour Anita had paid her.

Anita's climax, when it came, was sudden and strong; she stiffened, pressing her face to Shay's neck and gasping as her limbs ran over with tremors. Shay clung to her with her free arm, and when Anita pushed her hand away she wrapped that arm around her too, holding her tightly as her shivers died down.

"Christ, Shay, that was... you're incredible," Anita murmured.

Shay chuckled. "I can't be incredible both for receiving and giving," she said huskily. "You've got to take some credit for one or the other."

"Credit where credit's due. That was all you, both ways."

"Mm, agree to disagree," Shay murmured, her voice a little muffled in the crook of Anita's neck. "God, I can't believe we're really here..."

"Me neither. I though I was crazy to even hope..."

"I just couldn't believe that - I mean, especially after everything that happened..."

"Yeah..." Anita trailed off, then shook her head. "I'd really like to put that behind us. I mean, if you do."

"Sure, yeah, I mean definitely."

"Unless... I mean, do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't... I mean, I don't think so? There's stuff I wonder, questions, but... I don't even know if I want to hear the answers, y'know? Or what answer I would want to hear if I did."

"Well. If you want to ask, I'll answer," Anita said quietly.

"I just... I dunno. I suppose I wonder what would've happened if... I dunno. If back then, stuff had... mm." Shay shook her head. "No, I don't even know where to start."

"I liked you, Shay. Really liked you. Seeing you was the high point of my day."

"I was a kid." Shay made a face. "Though I guess you were too, really."

"Yeah, I mean. I had never even had a girlfriend at that point."

"Huh. I mean, well. Me neither, obviously. But..." Shay chuckled, shaking her head. "You just seemed so cool. Like, dorky, shy, sure, but... sort of unselfconscious about it?"

"I guess," Anita said, sounding embarrassed. "I didn't see the point in posturing. But I mean it, Shay. I did like you. I'm sorry that I fucked it up."

"In fairness back then I'm not sure how you could've got it right per se. I mean... I dunno. I guess in my fantasies I always saw us writing letters, y'know? Like, getting to know each other while you started your PhD and I was a Freshman, and, I dunno, like, over the years... is that what you thought?"

"Yeah, that's what I meant. I just... you know, not getting fired and running away and changing my name. Would've been a good start."

Shay gave a long sigh. "Yeah..."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be..." Shay nuzzled the other woman's cheek. "We're here now."

"Yeah," Anita agreed, smiling a bit. "Yeah, we are."