Chapter 38

I don't think I'd ever been subjected to such a complicated mix of emotions. I was nervous - almost anxious - to be sharing this space with Kathryn and her son, to be spending time with them almost as though (and this was thought I'd been trying and failed to dismiss all day) we were a family. I was excited - excited to be out on such a big craft, to be working as part of a bigger crew, learning new things on the hop, being out in such open water. I was happy to be spending time with this woman who had come to mean so much to me, who seemed to enjoy my company as much as I did hers, who made my heart take a proverbial running jump when she smiled at me.

And I was in pain. Not to sound too melodramatic - I mean, I wasn't wailing and tearing at my hair or anything like that. But there was this constant twisting to my stomach that wouldn't go away, a roiling pit of snakes to accompany every little flutter of pleasure or happiness. Because I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that this 'crush' wasn't just a crush, and I wasn't going to get over it, and what's more I didn't want to.

I found everything about her perfect - the 'rabbit food' lunches she packed, the adorable face she made as I flaunted my roast beef sandwiches, the way she teased Jonas and the easy, unaffected banter between them that showed that regardless of what had happened between her and Keith she and her son were still close. Even when I closed my eyes I could see her slim, tan arms, her blue, sparkling eyes, the fine wrinkles that creased her cheeks when she smiled.

The day wore on and we made it round the coast to the next port, mooring at a buoy in the bay before stopping to eat again. Jonas moaned about the healthy food Kathryn brought until she surprised him - well, both of us, really - with delicious-looking chocolate cupcakes that she produced out of a cooler bag she had snuck on board.

"Are these home-made?" I asked as we tucked in. "Because if I can get cupcakes on tap without having to go to a knitting group..."

"Mum can't bake!" Jonas declared with a grin, frosting already in residence on several spots on his face. "Once, she tried to make a cake and she almost burned the house down."

"Jonas, please, that's a bit over-exaggerated..."

"So should I be keeping you away from the stove down here?" I asked (for we'd taken shelter from the wind to eat in the little cabin).

"I know my limitations," Kathryn said, making a face at me. "Hence the purchased cupcakes. For which you're welcome..."

"Thank you, Mum," Jonas said in a sing-song voice, reaching for another cupcake.

I smirked a little. "What a polite little boy," I teased.

"Hey, you didn't say thank you either," he pointed out, rolling his eyes in exactly the same way I had seen Kathryn do a hundred times before.

I glanced over at Kathryn to find that she was already looking at me, and my stomach gave that familiar flutter. "Thank you," I said. And no, I didn't just mean for the cupcakes.

She smiled warmly, inclining her head. "Any time."

 

I'd never stayed overnight on water before. In fact, I'd never been on a sailing boat in the dark, and the experience was quite unique - I found myself sitting out on deck while Kathryn and Jonas played cards and bickered inside, my limbs slowly going numb from the cold as I stared not out to sea but back toward port, the little town's lights twinkling, the occasional movement from a car passing along a street, house lights going on and off again. I remembered a scene from one of my favourite childhood books, The Wind in the Willows, when Rat and Mole wander through a town in winter, staring in through the windows at the people living their lives inside. It had resonanted deeply with me at the time - it felt intimate, like sharing a secret. But right now, sitting out on the water with those little lights winking away across the bay, I felt as though I was the one with the secret. The thought made me smile, although at the same time I felt that hotness behind my eyes that meant tears weren't far away. I did have a secret, of course, one that I'd been nursing close to my chest all day. But not one I would be sharing with onlookers or eavesdroppers, or anyone.

After a while I realized that I hadn't heard any noise from inside the cabin in some time, and moments later there was the sound of footsteps behind me. "Thought you might be cold out here," came Kathryn's voice out of the darkness. "I brought you some tea."

Wiping my face hastily, I turned and shot her a smile, suddenly very glad of the darkness. "Thanks," I said, reaching up for the mug. "Sorry, I'm being antisocial..."

"No, no, it's fine... it really was a little cruel of me, shutting you up on a boat with a teenager and his mum for an entire weekend. I'm sorry."

"It's been wonderful," I said with feeling, hoping that she couldn't hear the slight wobble to my voice. "Perfect. Really."

I could see her smile in the faint light from the cabin, and she glanced down at the space beside me on the bench. "Mind if I sit?"

"Please."

Kathryn settled down close to me, ostensibly because of the cold, though she had brought a gilet and had turned up the collar after giving me my tea. "You've done very well today," she told me then, her voice low. "We'll make a pirate out of you in no time."

"I felt a bit out of my depth at first, if you'll pardon the expression," I said, drawing a slightly chuckle from my friend. "But thanks. Seemed to get the hang of it eventually. Not like you and Jo, but..."

"Well, in fairness, we've both been doing it a lot longer than you've had the opportunity. Come out with us a bit more and you'll be an old hand in no time."

"You're planning to make a habit of commandeering this vessel, are you?" I joked weakly, largely to cover how touched I was that not only did Kathryn not mind my butting in on her time with her son, but she actually wanted to repeat the exercise.

"Oh, well, probably not," she said with a shrug. "I imagine Keith won't care too much when he hears about this weekend but he probably won't want a repeat. Still, no reason why I won't have a boat of my own one day."

I nodded in reply, hunching my shoulders as a shiver ran through me - my hands were slowly warming, wrapped round my mug of tea, with the effect that the rest of my body was starting to notice how cold it was.

Kathryn noticed this - unsurprising, as she was sitting quite near - and frowned, shifting to put an arm across my shoulders. "If you're cold we can go inside - Jonas is probably asleep by now."

I meant to say, "Jonas has gone to bed?" What actually happened is that I opened my mouth and a long sigh escaped as the combination of the warmth of Kathryn's arm and thrill of her sudden proximity sent a fresh shiver through me. I swallowed, hard, glad that at least I had been so tensed up to start with that she wouldn't have felt me start.

At this Kathryn tutted, obviously taking my full-body frissons as something more innocent than they were. "Look at you... you must be freezing. Come on, let's get inside."

 

[ 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 ]