Chapter 39

Sure enough Jonas was safely tucked into bed, just as I had predicted he would be. Alex let me lead her over to the padded bench that ran along one side of the little galley and took the blanket I offered her with a wordless smile of thanks, moving a little stiffly to wrap it around her shoulders.

I considered putting on more water to boil - I had only made the one mug of tea, but Alex looked as if she could use a whole kettle's worth. I felt guilty; I had lingered out on deck far longer than I should have, taking advantage of the cold night air as an excuse to sit near her and, in a moment of pure cheek, put an arm around her. Now she looked as if her teeth might start chattering at any moment. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She looked up quickly when I spoke, looking almost guilty although I couldn't fathom why... and were her eyes a little bright. "Sorry, I'm fine," she managed eventually, sounding anything but. "Just... thinking. Got preoccupied." She shot me a weak smile. "I'm fine."

I felt my stomach lurch at her expression, and though I couldn't think what I could have done to cause it I knew it must've been my fault. "I'm sorry," I said in a rush, "I've been so rude. You haven't gotten to speak to Debbie all day; you must miss her. Why don't you call her now? You should still have reception, or I can lend you my phone..."

At this Alex's face looked like it might actually crumple altogether, and I could see her fighting against bursting into tears. She shook her head silently, casting her eyes back down toward her mug of tea. "I..." - she cleared her throat - "...don't think I could talk to Debbie right now. Thanks. Sorry."

"No, no, it's fine..." I cursed myself silently for making things worse. "Do you... want to talk about anything? I'll just listen, I won't say anything, I promise."

At this, Alex brought her hand to her face, covering her eyes tightly. I could see her mouth tighten, her shoulders tense, and I could tell this was to prevent them from trembling. My instincts warred with one another for a long moment - the urge to go over to her, wrap her tightly in my arms, this new fear of contact that kept me frozen on the spot... before either instinct could win over she had drawn in a ragged breath and regained her composure, pulling her hand away from her face, eyes bright but cheeks dry, her shoulders slumping.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "Sorry. I think I... let myself think too hard about some stuff."

"It's okay. Really." Terrified that I had suddenly, unknowingly, contributed to Alex's upset made my heart beat faster in distress, and I had to turn away, fussing with a few napkins that had been left out from dinnertime. "Maybe we should head to our beds. Sleeping on a boat is very soothing - I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning."

"Mm. Maybe." Alex cleared her throat again, and I heard her get up from the bench, feeling her closer to me in the small space of the cabin before she touched her hand to my arm, so lightly it should barely have registered, although somehow it was more like all the sensation in my body had spontaneously centred on one spot. "Kathryn, today really has been perfect," she said. Her voice was slightly hoarse from her brief bout of almost-tears, and she was speaking quietly, obviously fearful of waking Jonas. "I can never thank you enough for letting me share this."

I hesitated; it would be rude not to turn, but somehow I knew I would give myself away somehow if I were to face her completely. In the end I shifted my shoulders, looking over at her with what I hoped was an innocent, open expression. "It's been my pleasure, Alex. Having you here has been wonderful. It really has."

Maybe Alex could tell that I was hiding something, or maybe not. It was hard to say, and, I reasoned, it wasn't as though she didn't clearly have her own preoccupations right now. I cursed myself for being so full of my own problems of late - obviously I'd missed something big for it to be bothering her like this.

Anyway, if she knew that my expression was somewhat forced she didn't show any sign of it, only giving me another watery smile and dropping her hand by her side. "It's been a long day," she said eventually, presumably in assent to my suggestion of bed.

"Mm. Well, I'm made up the berth in the bow for you - it's oddly shaped, but very comfortable." With Jonas asleep in the quarter berth it left one of the pull-out couches for me, though I knew I wasn't going to be getting much sleep tonight regardless.

"Thanks," came the reply in that same hoarse murmur. "Do you need any help out here? Putting anything away, washing up?" She frowned slightly then, a thought striking her. "Are you sharing with Jonas?"

"No, there's a couch that pulls out - I'll sleep there," I reassured her, still all too aware of her proximity despite the fact that we were no longer touching. "And it's fine, really - you just get yourself to bed."

Alex nodded slowly, though I think more in her preoccupation than out of any lingering confusion. "All right. Well, good night." She hovered, and it took a moment for me to realise that she was waiting for me to let her past - I was standing in between her and her destination.

"Oh, um, sorry..." I stepped to one side - this section of the galley wasn't the most spacious of constructions, but you could just manage two people passing if they were both skinny. "Good night."

She moved past me, carefully, since even on a boat of this size quick movements could cause a lurch that might wake Jonas, our thighs and fronts brushing past one another as we came face to face in the narrow channel and I immediately wished that I'd just moved out of the way entirely. "Good night," she replied before making her way to her berth, retrieving her bag on the way, leaving me standing, leaning against the bench behind me, still tingling from head to foot.

 

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