Chapter 43

I had to put my heels back on in the end - regrettable, but I wasn't about to embarrass Alex by showing up at the bar in grubby old trainers. I had said 'a drink' but I was hoping to keep her out for more, selfish as that might be.

Alex herself was 'full of beans' as the expression goes, still riding the high from her successful day, and although she talked extensively about how good the staff were - both the venue staff and her volunteer assistants, there was no hiding that she was proud of herself - and quite rightly - for having pulled this off.

It was nice to see; Alex had always been competent but at the beginning of her time with me it was clear that she had doubts about her abilities. It was extremely gratifying to know that she was coming into her own, gaining confidence and motivation and enjoying what she was doing. And knowing that I had had a hand in that, however small, made me feel good as well.

"I just can't believe it was all so... easy," Alex was saying now, taking another long sip of her whisky, which was disappearing fast in her excitement. "I mean, not easy, but... I mean, I pulled everything together, covered all the bases, prepared for emergencies and it just...happened. You know? I've really never done anything quite like this before."

"It's not easy running a huge event like that - especially if you haven't had experience doing it before. Clearly you're good at it," I said, grinning at her.

"I... guess so," she admitted, starting to blush a little again.

"And that is something to be proud of. Not everyone can do that."

"Well, in fairness, not everyone can analyse and sequence biological samples either," Alex said with a slight smirk, "but no one was ever that impressed by that..."

"Well, are you doing this to impress people?" I asked, cocking my head to one side. "Because if so, there are probably better careers to pursue..."

"Mm, fair point," came the answer.

"But if you're doing it to do something, to make a difference... well, then, that you can be proud of."

My assistant shot that shy smile in my direction again. "Should have said you brought me out for a pep-talk - I would've brought my notebook."

"I'll send you the notes tomorrow," I said, grinning. "But this isn't a pep-talk, I just... I wanted to tell you what a good job you're doing, and how glad I am that we're working together."

"I am too," Alex said with a smile. "I sometimes think about how unsure I was about, well, everything, when I started here. Feels like another planet."

"Well, welcome to it," I said, raising my glass. "I'm glad you're here now."

 

Time wore on, and one drink turned into another, Alex apparently by no means keen to get to bed despite another long day tomorrow. She also apparently wasn't that keen to get home to Debbie, though of course I didn't bring that up.

I know it wasn't right. It was, in fact, pretty much the opposite of what I should have been doing. But after the idyllic weekend we had spent together, as well as the way the evening had been going, I couldn't help but fantasize a little bit about her shy smile meaning a bit more than 'thanks for the compliment', and I found myself 'turning on the charm' in a way I hadn't since... well, it had been a very long time. Certainly in my recent internet dates since my divorce I had never found myself thinking about how my hips and legs would look from behind as I walked over to the bar, or leant forward to touch my fingertips lightly to my companion's on the table as I emphasised some point in the conversation.

And it wasn't as if I wasn't encouraged, at least in my mind. Alex laughed at all my jokes, asked all the right questions and seemed, if not proactive enough to make her own moves, then at least appreciative of the times when I made mine. I cursed myself for reading into her glances and those little smiles that she seemed to save for our quieter moments - although I had come to the conclusion that she must not be as content with Debbie as she had been the fact remained that she was not free, and even if she had been I was her boss, fifteen years her senior, and by no means certain what I wanted for myself. Except that, for now at least, I was reasonably sure that, somehow, she factored into it.

All of this confusing jumble of wants and don'ts culminated at the end of the evening, as we were getting ready to leave (both a little reluctantly). We had put on our jackets and headed for the door and somehow in my drunken mind I had thought it was a good idea to sling an arm around Alex's waist as we walked. Suddenly all the muddle in my head was replaced by a full-body awareness of her next to me, and when we stopped to say goodbye I couldn't quite bring myself to step away as fully as I should have.

"Well..." she murmured. We hovered at the corner where she would turn off to walk home and I'd continue along the main road looking for a taxi, still just inches apart, my arm now hanging by my side, tingling like the rest of me. I realised she was still speaking and I pulled myself back to the present.

"...bright and early."

"Hm? Oh, yes, of course... bright and early," I repeated, nodding. "Another big day ahead."

"Will I see you? I know you have seminars in the morning..." She was still standing so close - close enough that she had to tip her head back a little to look me in the eye.

"Mm, well, I'll certainly stop in and see you when I can - if you want me to."

"Always happy to see you," Alex said, her eyes then dropping away a little, that shy smile appearing again. "I mean..."

I couldn't help it; something about that smile propelled me forward, pulling her into a hug. "So am I," I murmured.

I felt rather than hear her slight gasp, and for a split second she froze and I thought I'd done something terribly wrong, but a moment later she seemed to catch herself and was hugging me back, her hands coming to rest on my back.

We stood that way for longer than we should have, savoring (at least in my case) the feeling of being so near, the smell of her hair, the sensation of her hands pressed to my back. Eventually I pulled away slightly to look down at her, my stomach flipping over and over as I realized what I wanted to do, more than anything...

Alex disentangled herself from the hug so quickly that it almost made me stagger a little. She was still staring up at me, and I could tell even in the streetlamp light that she was blushing furiously. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said, actually stepping back a little before turning and walking - almost jogging - back off down the sidestreet toward her flat.

Shit. Shitshitshit. With my own cheeks now burning I watched her go, half-considering calling out to her, calling her back to explain myself... except what would I say? Alex, I never thought this would happen, but it has. I'm incredibly attracted to you, and what's more, I think I might be falling for you? No. I couldn't. So I walked home, alone.

 

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