Chapter 51

I let Alex sleep until Tim started spooning dinner onto our respective plates; he had been slightly less successful than Alex in getting Jonas to help out but we had still managed to get things done in good time.

Now that she was asleep, Alex was apparently out for the count, and didn't wake even when I re-entered our little alcove without making any attempts to be quiet. Approaching her cot, I stood over it for a moment, just looking down at her. Her expression was peaceful and relaxed, and I felt reluctant to wake her up. It was important we all stayed on relatively the same schedule, however, and so I leaned over and placed a hand on her arm, giving it a light squeeze. "Alex, dinner's on..."

She stirred, smiling, and she lifted the hand that had lain beside her head to rest over mine, and my knees almost melted away, leaving me in a puddle on the floor. I cleared my throat. "Um. Alex... time to wake up."

Her fingers curled around mine, and her eyelids fluttered, and then she was looking up at me, eyes dark, face flushed from sleep and the warmth of the tent. She didn't move for a long moment, her expression a mixture of confusion, and something else that I couldn't quite pin down. Then she released my hand, shifting away to sit up. "Thanks," she murmured, attempting no explanation for what had just occurred.

"That's... fine. Just, ah... when you're ready." And with that I turned, hurrying out of the tent back to the small table which held our dinner.

By the time she followed me out I had regained my composure, although it was still hard to keep from watching her as she retrieved her plate and went to take a seat on one of the logs around the (currently unlit) campfire. She was still slightly sluggish from sleep (it always took longer to clear your head in this humidity), her movements slow and deliberate, her hair touseled and her cheeks rosy. Jonas joined her not long after, coming to slouch on the log beside her. It made me smile to see them, shoulder to shoulder, spooning up their pasta and tuna in companionable silence.

Georgie sat down next to me over our meal, nearly talking my ear off about the various samples she'd found that day, despite the fact that, obviously, I'd reviewed everything already. I found myself getting more and more annoyed by her presence, which wasn't fair - she was enthusiastic, which was usually something I was glad of in my expedition companions. The more I thought about it, the more I realized my annoyance wasn't anything to do with Georgie personally (or Tim, or his guitar), but the fact that they were intruding on what I wanted this expedition to be. Which was namely, time alone with Alex.

I tried to shake off the sentiment, reminding myself that that wasn't why we were here - indeed, when I had first applied for the funding to come here I hadn't even met Alex yet never mind fallen for her.

After dinner we were serenaded yet again by Tim; I retired to my cot to read, wondering if it would be impolitic to stuff my ears with cotton wool. Shortly I heard the tent zipper and I wasn't sure whether I wanted it to be Alex or Jonas, but I heard some rustling of paper on the work surface we'd set up and realised it had to be the former.

Instead of striking up a conversation I stayed quiet; there wasn't much to say, really - at least, nothing that wouldn't muddy the waters further. I pretended to be absorbed in my book, though at least half my attention went to listening to Alex's movements and trying to figure out what she was doing at any given moment.

Eventually, she reappeared in our little alcove, stepping through the hanging mosquito net (the third of three between the outside of the tent and our sleeping quarters) and stooping to recover her diary from the floor before sitting back on her bed. She didn't say anything either.

Light faded quickly in the rainforest and before long it grew too dim to read or write inside the tent without a little illumination. I stood, crossing to where the small but powerful battery-operated lantern was hung and switching it on. Alex shifted, lifting her head from her book (she'd now finished with her diary it seemed) to smile up at me.

"Any good?" I asked then, feeling like I should fill the silence somehow.

"Hm? Oh..." Alex glanced at the front of her book as though she wasn't even sure what she was reading. "Not terrible, I suppose," she said. "Airport trash."

"Well, whatever passes the time," I said with a grin. "Maybe when you're finished we can swap."

"Why, what are you reading?" Alex asked with eyebrows raised.

My grin turned into a smirk as I motioned toward the biodiversity textbook for which I had written a chapter. They had sent me a proof version just before leaving. "Tempting, I know..."

Alex chuckled. "Oh God, hold me back..."

"Hey, finish your 'trash' first. No edification for you until you do."

"Hah, is that an attempt to mother me? If so, I can understand why Jonas loves you so much..."

"Or at least tolerates me," I said with a chuckle, sitting back on my cot.

"Oh, no," Alex said, shaking her head and turning onto her side on her own bed to continue to face me as I sat down. "I've watched him - for all his teenaged grumping he obviously thinks you're the best mum in the world ever. And with good reason."

"You mean your parents never took you to Brazil on your summer holidays?" I asked, slightly embarrassed and yet glowing from Alex's praise.

"No. And particularly not to a rainforest. We never stole a yacht, either."

"Well, to be fair, neither did we..."

Alex's eyes narrowed at this, pushing up onto an elbow. "You got Keith's permission, didn't you? I knew it!"

"Yes, well, however much water is under the bridge between us I didn't want to give him any chance to gather incriminating evidence against me," I said, spreading my hands innocently.

My assistant laughed, and my stomach fluttered. "Well, fair enough, I suppose. No point giving him ammunition."

"Exactly. Besides, it wasn't only the thought of doing something illegal that made it fun, was it?"

"Mm, no," Alex said, and perhaps it was my imagination in the dim light of the tent but it seemed as though her smile turned a little wistful. "It wasn't."

I had to admit that I felt a little wistful myself, thinking back on the weekend. I couldn't help but remember Alex's emotional distress, however and for some reason (I blame the heat) this made me blurt out "So what does Debbie think of you being here?"

Alex blinked, and I could tell that were she not in such a relaxed position she would have started. She shifted to lie on her back, silent for a long moment, before she said, in a tone that was carefully free of modulation. "We... don't really spend much time together right at the moment. We've actually broken up."

"Oh, I'm... sorry," I replied, feeling anything but. "I didn't know. I didn't mean to... I'm sorry I brought it up." Except I had no idea not to, because she hadn't told me. How long ago had they broken up? And why hadn't she mentioned it?

"No, no, it's fine..." Alex waved a hand to dismiss my apology. "It was inevitable really."

"But I thought you two..." What? Were meant to be? Were going to last forever? Let's face it, Alex never exactly gushed about her... "...were getting on really well," I finished lamely.

"Oh, we did. But..." She shrugged, although the main effect of this, with her lying on her back, was a slight shift of her chest. "We were only ever content," she finished eventually. "Just... treading water 'til something better came along, you know?"

"And something did, did it?" For some reason my chest tightened as I spoke, and I had to fight to swallow past a sudden lump in my throat.

"What? Oh..." Still Alex didn't look over at me. "Well, that's not really what I meant," she said in that carefully expressionless tone. "That's just... not really the sort of relationship I want to be in. You know?"

"It's not the kind that Keith wanted, certainly," I managed, looking down at my hands.

"Hm?" Alex turned her head, now, to look at me. "What d'you mean?"

"Well. His 'something better' came along, and he was out of there as quickly as he could be."

"Ah. And you?"

I shrugged, not sure I really wanted to follow this avenue of conversation any further. "I don't have better. I just have nothing."

At this, Alex looked away again, rolling back onto her back. There was a slight tapping on the roof of the tent - it was beginning to rain again.

I very nearly didn't speak again; this wasn't a good idea, especially when I knew Jonas was bound to come back at any moment, but I couldn't help but feel I had given her the wrong impression. "I don't mean - I'm sure you did the right thing. With Debbie. And anyway, it's your business. I'm sorry I pried."

"No, no, it's fine. I don't know why I didn't tell you before, really - it just didn't seem... important."

"That's... fine. Really." I glanced up and tried to give a reassuring smile in Alex's direction; it probably looked more like a death grin. I was glad she still wasn't looking.

 

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