Chapter 55

I was in Hell. Granted, I had never expected to find Hell in a tent in the Amazon jungle, but there it was. Being trapped with Alex in a popup not much bigger than the cab of a Toyota Hilux was excruciatingly difficult, made moreso by my incredibly idiotic ideas of changing clothes and searching for ticks. Just touching the bare skin of her back had been nearly enough to turn me into a gibbering mess, and frankly I was surprised that I hadn't made a fool of myself yet in our halting attempts at time-filling conversation. Eventually I suggested an afternoon 'siesta' - at least I couldn't put my foot in my mouth if we were sleeping. If I could sleep.

Alex shifted a lot trying to get comfortable, pulling a jacket out of her pack and rolling it up for a pillow, shifting the pack itself out of the way, which of course meant us lying that much closer together. I didn't bother with any adjustments - I've spent enough time in the field to be able to sleep almost anywhere - merely lying back and closing my eyes and concentrating on the sound of the rain around us. Eventually Alex seemed to find a comfortable position and I heard her still. I could guess from having seen her asleep that she would no doubt be curled up on her side, head resting on her arm, and on feeling a light, warm breath on my arm I surmised that she was facing toward me.

This of course didn't help me feel any less keyed up, but I was glad that Alex at least was relaxed. I could tell I had made her uncomfortable earlier and was still kicking myself over that. Opening my eyes and glancing down, however, I found that my assumption had been incorrect - Alex was indeed curled up on the groundsheet beside me, eyes closed but far from being relaxed her face was a picture of concentration, brows drawn together, hands in fists. Either she was having a particularly stressful dream, or she wasn't asleep at all.

"Alex?" I murmured, turning over onto my side to face her.

At first she didn't stir, and I thought she was going to maintain her facade, but a moment later she did open her eyes to look up at me. "Mm?"

"Are you okay? I know the ground's not very comfortable, I could try and find something in my pack for you to lie on..."

"Oh... no, I'm fine," she said after a hesitation. "I mean, I'm not uncomfortable. I was just... concentrating," she said, then frowned again, as though she wasn't entirely happy with her own word choice.

"Concentrating on what?" I asked, a few seconds before realizing perhaps it was none of my business, a thought that was confirmed by the long, uncomfortable silence that followed it.

Alex shifted a little, cleared her throat. "Kathryn, I..." She trailed off, and a look passed across her features that I'd seen on her face only once before, back on the Queen Malacite, right before she'd given in to those heart-wrenching silent tears.

My stomach dipped and I closed my eyes for a second, resisting the urge to spill everything just for the sake of clearing the air. "Alex, it's okay, you don't have to tell me," I said, my hand snaking across the divide to clasp hers tightly. "I'm sorry."

"This isn't your fault." Alex's fingers wrapped around mine. "I'm just... such an idiot."

"Why?" I found myself asking, frowning despite the amazing sensation of our fingers winding together, but Alex was already shaking her head.

"I've fucked up," she said, surprising me slightly as she wasn't prone to strong language of any kind - when we were sailing together I swore a lot more than she did. "The first job I've had that I've really cared about, where I could actually see myself, and I've messed it up for myself."

"But how? Alex, you're amazing, you're the best assistant I've ever had, you've done everything wonderfully," I stumbled over myself to tell her. "You haven't messed anything up."

"I have, I have, you have no idea," Alex countered, finally looking up at me, her eyes as big and dark as I'd ever seen them. "I..." She lost the thread of her conversation again now, instead just gazing silently across the short distance between us as though looking for, I don't know, support, or an answer, her grip on my hand almost hurting me now.

I don't like to see people hurting. I may not be the most personable human being but I certainly do my best to minimize suffering when I see it. That being said, I had absolutely no idea what to do at that exact moment but desperately wanted to do something, which is probably why I leaned closer, squeezing my eyes shut and pressing my lips to hers, hoping to accomplish... well, I don't know.

She froze, a little sound escaping her throat, muffled against my mouth, and pulled back almost immediately, and for a moment I thought I'd made a terrible mistake, but she drew in a deep, ragged gasp of air and then her lips were back on mine, and I don't think anyone had ever kissed me like that before, desperately, as though we were about to go into battle, or be separated forever - whatever the reason her hand had escaped mine and was gripping my upper-arm, fingers biting into my flesh, and her mouth was somehow hard and soft at the same time, and opening my eyes I saw that hers were tightly closed, brow furrowed again, her whole body tense as if ready to spring back or be pulled away.

Everything I had tried to ignore for those long months was now awake and insistent, pulsing through me as I kissed her back. I felt as if I had jumped off a cliff and plunged into a deep, dark pool, sensations washing over me, my heart pounding and my ears ringing, and Alex seemed no less lost, though the tension was slowly leaving her muscles, her brow smoothing over, grip relaxing a little, hand shifting to my back, running down my spine and back up again, another tiny whimper escaping her throat as her tongue touched to mine.

I squirmed closer, those few inches between us suddenly too much, my own free hand sliding to her waist and bunching the fabric of her shirt as I clung to it, and she responded in kind, moaning quietly, her fingers reaching the hem of my teeshirt and slipping up beneath it across the bare skin of my back. The sensation was enough to make me shudder with pleasure, and my back arched of its own accord as she drew her fingers over my skin. Tipping my head I deepened the kiss, each tiny gasp and moan she gave driving me onwards without thought or hesitation. She was shifting, now, moving to prop herself up on the arm trapped by her side, lifting herself over me, her lips never leaving mine she eased my knees apart with hers, winding our legs together.

I couldn't remember the last time anyone had made me feel this way - wanted, needed. I arched against her, my fingers pressed to her back, drawing her ever nearer as I spiraled in a whirlpool of desire, and now her thigh was pressed between mine, insistently, her fingers moving to the button of my shorts and though I could feel her tembling she nonetheless began to fumble one-handed with my fly.

I knew I should stop her - should stop this, but I had no more ability to do that than I did resist the delicious plunging sensation I felt as she shifted her leg between mine, and after what seemed like forever she managed to unbutton and unzip my shorts and immediately slid her hand down inside both layers of clothing, cupping her fingers against me, moaning again against my mouth, her thigh pressing up against her own hand and I let out a strangled gasp of my own, my hips rising up against hers.

I closed my eyes so tightly all I could see was white; the sound of the rain echoed in my head. We stayed like that for what felt like eternity but was probably only moments before I could hold back no longer and began to move against her almost frantically, her fingers slipping against me in the rhythm she quickly joined, her mouth drawing away from mine to kiss my face and jawline, her teeth catching my ear and then at the soft skin of my neck, and the moaning I could hear grew louder and I realised that it was mine.

When I tipped over the edge it was like being swept along over a waterfall - the roaring in my ears, the plunging sensation, the loss of all control and the exhilaration of falling. I heard Alex gasp in my ear, shifting the arm supporting her to wrap it around me, and her hand slowed but didn't still completely, her fingers still shifting slightly as I bucked against them, and eventually I had to grab her wrist and pull it away.

We lay pressed together for some minutes, arms wound tightly as if we are all that were keeping one another tethered to the earth. Alex pressed her cheek to my chest and I was sure she could hear the pounding of my heart. Eventually she moved, lifting her head to press her lips first to my jawline, and then back against mine as I turned my head. I'll admit to nerves as I pushed myself up, shifting until it was I who leaned over her, though there was also the exciting and not-unwelcome sensation as she twined her legs with mine.

"You don't have to..." she murmured, sliding her hand to cover mine as I smoothed it across her side.

"Shh," I told her, turning my hand to grasp hers for a moment before leaning to kiss her again.

With a whimper, Alex returned the kiss, moving her hands to my sides and squirming a little beneath me. This was all the encouragement I needed, and soon I was sliding a hand beneath her shirt and smoothing it over her taut stomach and then up, over a breast, causing Alex to arch against me, gasping as my palm moved across one firm nipple.

I let out a low moan of my own and a moment later dipped my head to follow where my fingers had been with my lips. She tasted like sweat and rain, filling my senses until I was dizzy with desire.

It was as though every new movement on my part was a fresh surprise for Alex and she cried out again. Flicking my tongue over her nipple I trailed my fingers lower, dipping under the waistband of her cargo pants as it had not so very long ago, and Alex buried her head in the crook of my neck, her breath hot and damp against my skin. Moving only on instinct now I tugged at the button that held them closed, delving my hand underneath as soon as it loosened and gasping at the sensations that met me - warm, slick, so familiar and yet strange and new, and I realised with an internal smile that Joyce, back thousands of miles and what seemed years ago, had been right - I needn't have been nervous.

I crushed my lips against Alex's, circling my fingers as slowly as I could manage, which, given the tiny whimpers she was making next to my ear, was not very slowly at all. It wasn't very long before she came, clinging to me, crying out over and over again, her whole body trembling.

It was as we lay there afterwards wrapped in each other's arms that I realized that I hadn't noticed the rain stopping. Alex didn't seem to have noticed yet either, just curling against me, burying her head back against the crook of my neck. Though we could have packed up and headed back to camp I felt no desire to do so, closing my eyes and settling more closely next to her, and she wrapped an arm around me and sighed quietly, closing her eyes. I knew what we couldn't just ignore what we had done, but it felt like a shame to sully the moment with uncomfortable questions and explanations. Better to let the inevitable wait and enjoy this peace for now - who knew if we'd ever get it again?

 

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