Chapter 58

I didn't know it was possible to experience so much happiness and so much pain simultaneously as I did those few weeks, but it was never going to last. With every step closer to home my feet felt a little heavier, until I was sure even Georgie and Tim had noticed it, never mind Kathryn. As we stepped out of our heavily loaded rented jeep and onto the airstrip I felt like crying then and there, having a childish tantrum, refusing to leave, begging Kathryn to just stay here with me, come back to the forest where we could pretend the rest of the world didn't exist.

I thought for a moment I saw Kathryn hesitate as well, though it was probably only wishful thinking on my part. She had plenty to get back to, a department to run, a son to see. It was only me who had nothing.

The trip home went without incident. Although we flew (albeit reluctantly given our professions) the rest of our gear and our samples would all be shipped, so it would be some time before we saw them again. It was a strange mixture of relief and letdown when we finally arrived back in [city] - the idea of regular showers and food that didn't come from a tin was tempting, but spending my nights alone in my tiny flat was not. Kathryn was greeted at the airport by Jonas, Keith and Keira, who apparently were all going out to dinner, and to my slight surprise they invited me as well, but I just couldn't face sitting there with a family that I so much wanted to be a part of and pretend that I didn't feel as though everything was crumbling away under my feet, and so I declined, citing fatigue. This time I was sure Kathryn's expression fell, just for a moment, but she soon rallied and gave me a hug goodbye, telling me she would see me in a week's time after my much-deserved holiday. The idea of a week apart from her after the past month and a half was less than palatable, but I resigned myself to the idea that this was just the way things were going to be.

The first thing I did upon getting home was take an extremely long, extremely hot shower. A bath would have been better, but unfortunately I lacked the capacity. The person who had been staying in my flat for the past two months (a friend of Lynn's) had taken pretty good care of it, and I was reasonably sure nothing was missing, save for the entire contents of my pantry. Following that I found myself taking my duvet to the couch, sitting myself down in front of the television, switching on and ignoring it completely while I indulged in that most private of passtimes: the good long cry.

It wasn't that I wasn't resigned to the way things had to be; I was well aware that they couldn't last and that I was fooling myself to think otherwise. It was just that... for the first time in my life I had realized what it might be to be happy. And giving that all up, even for the sake of my job and my continued sanity, felt like a waste.

I spent most of the next week signed into the university intranet, catching up on administration and emails. The part I didn't spend either doing that or catching up on rubbish television, I spent composing and recomposing my resignation letter. I didn't actually send it, however. I wanted to see Kathryn one more time before I did.

 

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