Chapter 60

Perhaps it was cowardly of me to write it in a letter. The fact was, I didn't think I could say it to her face without breaking down. As it was I spent most of the morning sitting in my office full of dread, waiting for a sign that Kathryn had read my resignation letter and accepted it. As it was, I didn't have to wait too long. She appeared in my doorway just before lunch, her face pale and set. "Alex. We need to talk."

I really didn't want to talk. By the same token, she was my boss, this was our workplace, and I'd tendered my resignation, so there was really no way I could refuse her. I nodded toward the chair at the other side of my little desk.

She hesitated, but eventually stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She didn't bother to take the proffered seat. "What... why did you write this?" she asked, holding up a crumpled sheet of paper I realized was my resignation.

I frowned. Unable to keep my eyes on her face I looked down toward my desk, to where I had been consolodating notes, beginning to pull together the documentation that woud let someone new pick up easily where I'd left off. "I can work an extra month's notice if needs be," I said. "I don't think it will be necessary, but-"

"Is this about what happened between us in Brazil?" Kathryn interrupted in a strangled voice, "Because I swear, Alex, I didn't mean for it to and it won't continue, but I don't want you to leave just because of that. Please. Stay."

What could I say to that? Of course it was because of Brazil - she had to know that. My insides, roiling like they were filled with snakes as was now usual in Kathryn's presence, couldn't seem to decide quite what they should be reacting to - the borderline desperation in her tone that sparked that cruel shred of hope, or the regret she expressed that it had ever happened. Her words lit another tiny flame, too, one that I'd never felt until now: anger. How could she be so complicit - so instrumental in what had happened between us and then presume to brush it away as less important than our working relationship, as something not worth resigning over? "I'll be happy to interview for replacements on your behalf," I managed coolly. "I'd very much like to minimise your inconvenience."

She let out a short sob, as if I had hit her, stopping behind the chair and looking down at me with a haunted expression. "If... If that's what you really want," she managed eventually.

All my concentration was on keeping my voice steady, now, on holding it together long enough to get through the conversation. "I think it's best."

"Okay. I'll... Send Sarah with your paperwork later." And with that, Kathryn turned and fled from the office, leaving me to sit there in silence for a long few minutes, scared to move, never mind speak, for fear that I would commit the worst of embarrassing crimes in the office by bursting into tears at my desk.

 

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